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Dont know where to start but please read

(28 Posts)
troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 17:05:42

Hi all, thank you for taking the time to read this. I am a 41 year old married woman, married for 4 years. I have one grown up child not living at home so just my husband and I together at home. We have been together 6 years, married for 4. During our time together we had as many up's as we have had downs. Just recently its been getting worse. We argue over the smallest thing. I feel he picks me up on things at every opportunity whereas I try not do this as I know its helpful to us getting on. We are no longer intimate, he hasn't touched me, kissed me, held my hands for months and we haven't had sex since December 2015. I feel totally alone, all our friends and family see us as a couple who get on and enjoying life - we can put on a great act when we need to. I am embarrassed to talk to anyone about the state of our marriage. My husband wont go to Relate etc. and he blames me for our marriage problems. We can't talk without him trying to put the blame on me. I don't know which way to turn at the moment, he mentioned divorce today and that isn't something I want, I want to fight to make my marriage work. I am not sure what I want from being on this forum, I guess I just wanted to say all of this to someone, anyone as in 'real life' I can't ever imagine being able to do so. The one person I should be able to talk to, my husband, couldn't me any more distant... Thanks for reading.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 03-Jul-16 17:18:37

Why do you want to carry on with him when he obviously doesn't want to? He won't talk and everything is your fault? Do you agree with this?

My ex was one of those who thought everyone else was in the wrong apart from him.

YabuDabbaDoo Sun 03-Jul-16 17:20:34

Could you take a break for a bit to clear your head? Have a weekend away somewhere?

YabuDabbaDoo Sun 03-Jul-16 17:20:48

On your own, I mean.

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 17:29:10

Loveyoutothemoon - I think it's a mixture of things, one is that I know how good it was in the early days and I want that back so badly and two I've so ashamed and embarrassed that my marriage is a failure. My first marriage failed too.

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 17:30:32

Yabudabbadoo - not really, we have time apart and it makes no different. I am away frequently with work and I've always got high hopes for when I'm home but it slips right back to where it was. I do think he's a desperately unhappy man....

fattyfattytoadgirl Sun 03-Jul-16 17:34:20

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Can you think of a triggering time/event when all this started?

Is your husband depressed, do you think?

Would you be willing to provide a few examples of the kind of things he says when he blames you? Or perhaps a short conversation you've had? It would help me get a better idea of what you mean.

FreeFromHarm Sun 03-Jul-16 17:34:29

Hi, truly sorry you are going through this, would you mind me asking in what way if he has said ... That he blames you for the state of the marriage ? And how did the subject of divorce arise ?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism Sun 03-Jul-16 17:38:35

If he won't discuss it calmly and won't go to Relate - it's over. Sorry.

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 17:39:31

We've had so many arguments over the years it's hard to pick one! He says I'm moody and doesn't like the way I talk to him. He has called me names over the years like bitch etc. This week he said 'You (me) fucking everything'. And all because i asked him to stop saying what in an aggressive tone every time he doesn't hear me or I ask something he doesn't like

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 17:42:06

Freefromharm - he has mentioned divorce before. He said we can't get on so it'll end in divorce. He says that most times I try and tell him how he makes me feel. So I'll say you make me feel like this and he'll say well then let's get divorced. It's so frustrating.

fattyfattytoadgirl Sun 03-Jul-16 17:51:14

Sounds like he's stonewalling you. He's not giving you much to work with, I'm afraid.

I think you need to mentally set a deadline where, if he hasn't agreed to go to Relate with you, it's time to start moving on.

I understand how you want to save your marriage, but it takes two to do that. There is no shame in moving on if you've given it your best shot.

Footle Sun 03-Jul-16 18:16:03

You shouldn't think of going to counselling with him. Go on your own.

PsychedelicSheep Sun 03-Jul-16 18:23:55

It seems from reading your posts that he doesn't love you anymore and wants out, but doesn't want to look like a cunt so wants you to be the one to end things. Sorry, but that's just how it seems to me.

Why wouldn't you want to get rid of him, this sounds like a shit marriage and you could have a much happier life alone. Counselling for you could be good. Sounds like you're just trying to flog a dead horse here. Don't mean to sound harsh but life really is too short.

PsychedelicSheep Sun 03-Jul-16 18:25:07

If he keeps mentioning divorce rather than agreeing to work on the marriage, I think that's very telling

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:25:11

I do feel like he's given I up. I want him to fight for our marriage but he doesn't seem to want to. He has fallen out with most of his family and hates his job, he is so unhappy, grumpy and moody - I find it hard to cope with that. I would go to relate on my own but I worry about the costsad

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:26:49

I know your right sheep. I feel so tired and alone of this whole situation. Why hasn't he just left - it would make things so much easier. This feels like torture.....

fattyfattytoadgirl Sun 03-Jul-16 18:35:31

Any chance you could get him to the doctor, in case it's depression talking? The falling out with family and hating his job isn't an issue of interaction between you two. His problems go beyond the marriage.

If that fails (and it sounds like he probably won't go to doctor) there is really nothing else you can do.

The only outside chance may be if you do leave and it suddenly turns his head around and he sees you are serious and he wants to save the marriage.

newname99 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:41:29

You can't change him. However you seem to be in a negative downward cycle which is likely to end in divorce as no one can tolerate a loveless relationship.What happens if you try to be affectionate?

The way he speaks to you feels unacceptable, are you both disrespectful to each other? Is there some basis of truth in his complaints about you?

Buzzardbird Sun 03-Jul-16 19:05:44

It sounds, to me, as though he has already checked out of this marriage. He is trying to break it to you gently by detaching a little at a time.

It's up to you how you want to be in this situation. Head held high or make him fight for seperation...which could get ugly.

AyeAmarok Sun 03-Jul-16 19:12:14

I'm sorry, but you can't save a relationship when the other person has completely checked out of it and wants out.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it might be time to start thinking about separating and taking steps to protect yourself as much as possible.

Footle Sun 03-Jul-16 19:28:06

You don't have to go to Relate. CBT via your doctor may help a lot.

troubleatmill2011 Sun 03-Jul-16 20:05:14

I'm scared to separate I don't know why. I've been married before and I left him so why am I finding it so tough now?! I just can't say the words.....

fattyfattytoadgirl Tue 05-Jul-16 21:49:39


How are you feeling today? Have there been any developments or plans?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Jul-16 09:24:59

What's the housing situation?
Mortgage together?
He sounds awful.
He calls you names.
He mentions divorce when things aren't going his way.
He has you well trained and you haven't even realised.
You KNOW what you need to do.
You are still young enough to start again so go for it.
Leave this miserable life behind and get out there and enjoy life.
You get one shot at this life and you are putting up with a horrible man who calls you names and who you argue with on a regular basis.
I met my current OH at 42.
He's fab.
I can't say we've had one single argument since we've been together.
It's not normal to argue all the time you know!?
It's not normal for the person who supposedly loves you to call you horrible names!
Not at all.

Sorry but it's a LTB from me
And do it soon and find yourself and your happiness.

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