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Being lonely and without intimacy when you're young

(6 Posts)
lauren42 Sun 03-Jul-16 11:08:18

I'm 29. I'm so lonely. I have lots of friends and I do lots of things, I have hobbies. I'm rarely physically on my own when I don't want to be.

I bought a house in January, and had a promotion at work in March. From the outside, my life looks pretty good. I'm just so lonely.

I'm going on holiday with a friend in a couple of weeks, and it will be nice, but I know I will still feel lonely, even when we are there. I want the closeness that comes with a relationship, I desperately miss intimacy.

I ended my last relationship over a year ago (it had lasted 3 years, lived together in rental). I'm glad I did, but I've become so picky! I haven't dated for about two months now, following a few dates where they were quickly really keen and calling me, and I just wasn't feeling the same. It kind of made me more lonely.

I feel as if this is it for me. I have a nice home and I like my job. But I don't know if I can face a life of loneliness like this. And compromising to be with someone I'm not 100% into isn't an option because it wouldn't stop the loneliness. It would probably make it worse.

Feeling bleak today. Any advice would be nice.

LillyMom Sun 03-Jul-16 12:09:17

Don't really know how to help. But about the dating thing... I had a boyfriend for six years in my twenties and when it was over I did not want to see any man... I did not date for two years and didn't feel like doing it.
Maybe you are just too much into it, and when we get desperate to find someone it gets harder to find them.
Try to take it easy and be open for men who approach you, without expecting too much from them. Take them as good friends first and see if you develop feelings with time.
I always think we find the one when we stopping looking for them.

VioletVaccine Sun 03-Jul-16 12:20:21

Hi OP, i totally understand what you mean, but I don't think you should see 'being picky' as a bad thing. You have a set idea on what would fill the intimacy void you feel, and you really shouldn't compromise on that.

I think more people would be happier if they set the bar higher and didn't 'settle' for someone. I have a couple of friends that seem to rather want to date anybody than be alone, and it doesn't work in the long term.
You are right that it wouldn't stop the loneliness- physical intimacy is only one thing, having emotional closeness with that person too makes it all the more complete.

It sounds like you are in a good place in your life right now, so obviously you'll want to be with someone who'll add something to your already full life and compliment it.

I do understand though, I was single for 2 years after my first marriage broke down, and while I loved the freedom at first, after a year or so it got me down too.
I ate crap because I couldn't see the point of making the effort to make a nice meal if only I could eat it, hated the fact I sat on my own watching a film in the evening, and ended up falling asleep on the sofa a lot, because I'd delay going to bed because it was crap sleeping on my own all the time.

I'm not sure what advice I could give, I just wanted you to know I've also been in the same situation, and also wondered like you have if that was my life for good, but it wasn't! smile

DH was a friend first and it developed from there, and I'm happier now than I've ever been with anybody else before.
It sounds like you're a hardworking, secure and sensitive person, so would be an attractive prospective partner to a decent man, don't lose hope OP flowers

lauren42 Sun 03-Jul-16 12:41:08

Thank you so much for these replies!!

I'm at home today on my own, and a friend is coming over later, and then tonight I'm supposed to be meeting someone for a drink...I just don't feel like it.

It's nice to hear that others haven't felt like dating for a while...I quite like dating but I'm never bothered about it being anything more. I also have to try really hard to eat well because I hate cooking for just me! I just want to meet someone I click with, and maybe I'm not trying hard enough to get to know people.

Thanks so much for replying, it's so nice to hear other experiences and not feel so alone in this!

LillyMom Sun 03-Jul-16 12:49:07

Great to hear you are going out for a drink. It doesn't have to be a perfect man or anything if you just have fun and get to meet someone... Good enough! 😊
And no, you are not alone in this. I guess most of us has been there once before.

bonjournono Sun 03-Jul-16 12:55:16

I feel the same and am a similar age to you. I was very close to my ex and thought we would marry so it was a shock when it ended. I didn't feel like dating anyone for 2 years afterwards because they weren't him and I didn't feel like I'd find anyone else I'd gel with that much. I am still single but starting to date again, although I still have wobbles. I'm now at the point where I'm so used to being on my own, it will feel weird if I have a relationship again. I do want to find someone though because it would be nice to have that connection again. Also it's hard to see all my friends in happy relationships when I'm a bit like the odd one out.

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