My first post: I'm insecure and he doesn't understand

[flowerpotfairy]

Think this may be a long post so thank you for reading. I'll try give all the info.

DH and I have been together 6 years, married for 2 with 2dc (2.5yrs and 6mnths). Generally things are really good, dh works ridiculously hard, is truly a brilliant dad and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh together etc. The problem is mostly with me, I am really insecure and think I come across as needy and controlling. Thinking about it I think this started after our first dc was born, hence we weren't going out together anymore and I rarely went out but dh still wanted to have a life (understandable obviously). He doesn't go out very often (maybe once or twice a month) but even though he's asked me in advance I feel myself tensing up as he's getting ready to go, I ask him to give me a time he will be home and tell him not to drink too much. This usually means he leaves after an argument so I sit at home stressing the entire time he's gone. The minute it gets to the time he says he will be home I ring him asking where he is and he is usually on his way home. I then quiz him about where he went, what he drank, who he saw etc and usually find something to get upset about. Everything I've written so far makes me sound like such a fucking idiot. Here's the thing though: I do not for one second think he's cheated however he has lied (in order to stop me starting an argument), I only had two beers (when it's obvious he's had much more), I'll be home at 11pm (doesn't get home til midnight), I didn't go to a strip club on my stag do (later found out he had, I do believe it's a one off) etc etc. The thing is we're in a total catch 22 now, he goes out, I have a meltdown, he goes out again and doesn't want to talk about it as he knows I'll pick it apart and find an issue, I don't want him to go out, he wants to go out more. I've admitted I've got a problem but he doesn't understand and thinks I'm just being a weirdo! I want to relax and as I know he's not up to no good (just drinking too much and staying out later than I'd like) I wish I could just chill out but I also need him to appreciate (even if I'm being irrational) that I need him to help me with this and stop with the little lies, come home by the time we agreed etc. He just doesn't get this and sees it as my problem. Do you think couples counselling would help? Or should i go to counselling alone? Or has anyone got any advice as to how i can get him to understand? Thanks for reading if you've got this far!!

[flowerpotfairy]

But lies cause mistrust and make me more anxious. Hence the catch 22. I know and have admitted I need help.

[gamerchick]

I think when one half of a couple has a smaller world than the other they do find things to stress about. Do you do anything outside of the home? Work? Hobbies? Go see a friend or have friends over?

You know you can't go on like this or he'll end up leaving you. I go out once or twice a week with my husbands blessing. I couldn't live with being interrogated when I came in.

[OnionKnight]

You need help, that's no way for you or your husband to live and frankly I don't blame him for lying.

[mylovegoesdown]

Controlling behaviour is awful and destroys relationships regardless of whether it stems from insecurity.

Refer yourself for some counselling.

[Isetan]

Basically, you want your DH to accept responsibility for your controlling and manipulative behaviour. However, you haven't mentioned what your plans are, for dealing with your anxieties.

Get some help before you poison your relationship further.

[MollyTwo]

You need counselling but on your own. He lies because he has no choice due to your controlling behaviour. It sounds like he is actually in an abusive relationship, it must be awful for him living like this. This is not his problem but you want him to take responsibility for it. No you need to sort this out.

[category12]

Sounds to me like you need to go out more and have more of a life yourself. When he's out, fill your evening with enjoyable things, limit yourself to asking if he enjoyed himself when he comes back and leaving it there.

You'll create the very thing you're afraid of by your current behaviour.

[HelloConfidenceAreYouThere]

You are trying to get your DH to change his behaviour to keep you happy. I understand this - I was very similar in a past relationship. To me it seemed like I wasn't asking much and if he could just come home on time / message me to let me know he was thinking of me, it would all be ok.
But it doesn't work that way. The relationship I had after that one (because I absolutely drove that man away), it was the other way around. He wanted me to placate him because he was insecure. And it was suffocating! And it really opened my eyes to my issues.

Practically - when your DH tells you he's going out, smile, kiss him, tell him to have a good time. Put your hand over your mouth and keep your negative thought in. Do something in the evening to keep you busy - watch something you enjoy but he doesn't / a hobby / go out with friends. When he comes home, say nothing, just smile at him.
It's hard but you'll see that once going out isn't an issue for either of you, the relationship will feel more stable. And then you genuinely will be ok with him going out.
Basically, fake it until you make it because what you're doing now isn't fair.

PS with DH, we've both had our moments but neither of us are remotely bothered by the other going out I sometimes kick him out to the pub when there's a new episode of Greys Anatomy or Criminal minds that I want to watch and it's lovely

[junebirthdaygirl]

Did you dad come in drunk or have you some bad memories from your childhood as this is a total over reaction. Presuming your dh is not a heavy drinker rolling in out of his mind. Go to counselling. You need to get to the bottom of this fear or you will lose your marriage.

[flowerpotfairy]

Thanks everyone. Some harsh comments but think I needed to hear. It's not an abusive relationship, seems terms like that get thrown around on here. It's my problem, I've said that. 99.9% of the time we are happy and easy going with each other. And no my dad didn't roll in drunk but yes, sometimes dh does roll in really drunk when he says he's just going for a pint or two.

[Sallystyle]

I understand. I was this way when I was younger in my first marriage. Part insecurity due to dad issues, part having too much time on my hands and no life outside the home myself.

It's a nasty evil feeling. I feel for you because I will never forget those feelings. It's no way for you to live and no way for your husband to live. It will destroy your marriage. Go get help for both your sakes.

BTW I am still more insecure than most people but I have learnt to deal with it and now I'm in my 30s with a social life of my own and working it's hardly ever a problem for me now. It can be overcome

[Sallystyle]

OP it can turn abusive. With hindsight I can see that my behaviour back then was controlling and abusive.

I didn't intend it to be, I never set out to be that way but the result on my ex was still the same. The fact that he couldn't go out without me turning it into a massive issue, hounding him, calling him.. it was abusive, even if my behaviour was borne out of fear and depression.

[FairySouth]

I know how you feel as I am an anxious and insecure person. You definitely need to find a way to make yourself ask less questions as the control can rip relationships apart.

My situation is a bit different in that almost a decade ago dh (was dp of 18months at the time) almost cheated on me, then 12 months ago he shared a bed with a female colleague who was attracted to him after a night out and lied about it all. For me his behaviour is part of the reason I'm so insecure but I still let him see friends once a week and don't think I ask too many questions (just if he has fun and any news). Although his meet ups are at someone's house with the same 4 people each week so there's not much to ask. I am controlling in other ways though and expect I make life tough for him a lot of the time.
All I ask is that he checks with me if he is ok to go out if it's extra to his normal night. I don't think I've ever said no but we have a 2.5yr old so I think it's only fair that he checks I'm ok to be on my own that night with her as I would do the same with him if I went out (although I don't really have many friends so it doesn't often happen)

[something2say]

What on earth is wrong with your partner going out every now and then?!
What is wrong with coming home at midnight a little squiffy?
I couldn't bear a man who tried to tie me down this way. I'd feel guilty around him.

The tone of your response.....it's not that bad.......proves that you are not hearing this. You are the problem here. I would not talk to him about it anymore, but tomorrow get help for yourself. Don't shame yourself in front of him, don't drop the problem at his feet, just quietly resolve it. Being a party pooper is not cool at all.

[something2say]

You 'let him' go out do you fairy?

My word......!!!!

I think I'd better get off this thread.

[ElspethFlashman]

Yeah you're not getting it. People with controlling partners HAVE to lie. You are literally making him lie.

he knows I'll pick it apart and find an issue

You bet he knows it. We all know it too. At this stage I'm confused as to what you want him to behave like.

You clearly don't really want him to go out. And it appears that if he does, it's 2 drinks and key in the door by 11. And by 11.05 you're ringing him. Like he's 17 years old going to a school disco and you're his mum!

It's awful awful behaviour. Truly.

[flowerpotfairy]

Where did I say that something????
Yes, he asks me (we have two children) but I always say yes.

[something2say]

Someone else said she lets her partner go out, not you.

[FairySouth]

something sorry if my phrasing was poor. I guess "let him" was not necessarily right but I don't know how I'd phrase it.
I think if you are in a relationship you should always check with the other person that there are no plans that clash or you've forgotten about. That to me is just manners.
And I guess what I mean is that after his previous betrayals I still feel it's important for him to have his freedom with friends regularly. Although he doesn't check with me each week as it's part of our routine that he is out a certain night a week.

[branofthemist]

It is controlling Relationship. You are trying to control him and look for things to be pissed off about.

The fact that he lies about mundane things to avoid an argument, proves its a controlling relationships

He doesn't need to do anything. You need to tackle the issue, it's your issue.

[BlackVelvet1]

Do you go out too flowerpotfairy? Sounds like you don't go out and that might be a contributing factor (re staying in with the DCs while husband is out enjoying himself). Everyone needs a bit of free time without the children now and then. Another idea, could you get a baby sitter so you can go out together?

[sammyjayneex]

Have you ever been cheated on in past relationships? I'm just asking because if you have it could explain why your insecure. I'm the same, I hate my his me going out but only because he's cheated on me and texted random girls behind my back so I get anxious and argue with him when he's due to go out. Also when you have kids, the mothers life stands still, maybe because your at home and he's out your feeling a little resentful? I dunno, that's how I feel too.
Men don't realise just how much a woman gives up for kids, and they go out without a thought for their wives.

[MollyTwo]

I disagree with you that it isn't an abusive relationship. You are controlling, he has had to change his behaviour to please or pacify you. There are arguments before he leaves and you have a 'meltdown'. This sounds like a very toxic atmosphere. He doesn't need to do anything more to be understanding, it's you who needs to get help.