All just one big horrible mess ......!

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Hello

I've been lurking in this forum for some time now just trying to get some reassurance that I'm not the only one going through such a horrible time at home.

To cut a long story short DP is a complete arse. We are so incompatible in every way and even strangers comment on it. I won't even go into how horrid he is as I know everyone will tell me to run a mile. The worse thing is, is that now 11 year old DS is replicating his dad's behaviour and has been verbally abusive and disrespectful towards me lately and his behaviour seems to be getting worse.

I know I need to leave but I just feel I've been pushed down so low I just don't have the strength to do it. Anybody else feel like they've just given up and it would be easier to stay miserable as the energy required to end it all just seems too much to summon?

I've put on weight, probably drink more than I should and have given up on doing more than basic housework. The only thing that is going well in life is work and my DD is a little ray of sunshine.

I haven't spoken to anybody about this but I do think my mum is aware although I can't talk to her about it as she is very judgemental and I know she would disapprove - I can hear her now saying, you've got a lovely house, DP works hard and the children are happy - stop being so selfish blah blah blah.

It's probably coming across that I am really sensitive to other peoples opinions of me and this is why I haven't left yet!

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Sorry pressed enter too soon.

We have a big mortgage which neither of us could afford on our own so will have to sell the house and this is what upset's me so much. How will I cope when it is for sale and where will we go and will it be a really horrible time

Is there anyone else that is going through a really crappy time or perhaps someone who has been through it all and can offer any reassurance that I will get out of this hole and be fine one day

[Goingtobeawesome]

You will only get out of the hole if you take a step and you will only be happy once you've left him and ignore your mother. She doesn't get to dictate your life anymore.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Yes you do need to leave, he has abused you likely for many years and perhaps even from the early days of your relationship with him too.

Would you be able to contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Re your comment:-
"The worse thing is, is that now 11 year old DS is replicating his dad's behaviour and has been verbally abusive and disrespectful towards me lately and his behaviour seems to be getting worse".

That should be the prime reason now for you and your children to leave this man. You have shown your son to date that his dad's treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level, that is what he has learnt here. You have a DD as well, do you really want to show her that this should become acceptable to her as well.

Its not easy to leave but really you cannot go on like this, your son is already affected by what is happening at home (akin to a warzone) and your DD will become more aware as she gets older.

If your mother would state such things anyway then her counsel should be ignored because it is simply wrong. Its partly her behaviour also that has got you here in the first place; what relationship example did she show you as a child?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The house is not a home and likely holds a lot of bad memories for you (and in turn your children who are seeing his treatment of you) in it. Its bricks and mortar, its no sanctuary for them or you.

There is help out there for you to leave this man, you need to be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps, to leave.

[PetraStrorm]

You can and will get through it. It will be difficult and at times may seem unbearable but it will get better and eventually (sooner than you fear) you'll feel so so so much better than you do now. Don't let the fear of the possible temporary pain to come keep you sitting in the misery and pain you're currently experiencing.

I don't like trite quotes, but I read this one recently and I think it's pithy and very very good (I shall be quoting this on every thread, you have been warned, Mumsnet!):

"Don't cling on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it".

[PetraStrorm]

I know you're not responsible for your situation btw, OP, sorry if it seemed to come across like that. I meant that you can take control and move on

[FreeFromHarm]

Attilla is right, very sound advice, I have left, yes the house is a bugbear... but it is just bricks and mortar, your safety/ sons behaviour are paramount.

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Thank you for this.

You're right ATM, the relationship has never been the best and has been positively dreadful for the past few years.

I will look at the WA website but am not being physically abused, just probably emotionally abused. Would it be self-indulgent to ring them when really I just need to make my decision, man-up and walk. I'd worry I'd be taking resources away from people who are being physically abused.

I know this must be awful for my son to witness and I'm so ashamed at how he is behaving I just think he is so sensitive and emotional this break up will be horrific for him and he is starting high school - I just don't want to crush his world. Perhaps I'm being dramatic I just don't know anymore. I feel like I've just stepped out of life as a self-preservation measure. Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm in such a mess.

Thank you for your responses - they really make me feel I'm not alone in this nightmare.

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

I love that phrase Petra - yes I've been making this mistake for an extremely long time!

Thank you Atilla - you're right, my house is lovely but it is not somewhere I feel safe or happy so I shouldn't be so worried about selling it.

Thank you; you are all so lovely

[ladyballs]

There's no such thing as 'just' emotionally abused. WA will take you seriously, please contact them.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I will look at the WA website but am not being physically abused, just probably emotionally abused. Would it be self-indulgent to ring them when really I just need to make my decision, man-up and walk".

You are stymied by indecision due to his behaviour, you have not been able to make the decision to leave to date. You have been abused for many years and this is typical behaviour from people on the receiving end of abuse.

Womens Aid can and will help you here. It is not at all self indulgent to call them and you are being emotionally abused (and likely also other types of abuse at his hands too). Its for women who have and are suffering all types of abuse. People do not just have to hit you to hurt you.

Look at your son. What has your son learnt to date about relationships here?. You have a daughter too, you must not ever show her that a person must remain in an abusive relationship at all costs. Your son is now actively copying his dad's behaviours; he could all too easily go onto to behave the same as his abusive dad in his own adult relationships. Its not a legacy you want to be leaving either of your children.

There is never the "right" time to leave; there are always occasions like starting new school, Christmas, birthdays etc but this is no life for them either. Both you and your eldest child have and are being abused by this man. Your DD will soon become all too aware of the abuse that is happening at home too; she will learn to modify her behaviours around her dad and her older brother (as have you).

Please call them, you alone have to take that first step out but you can have your hand held.

[MadameJosephine]

Lady balls beat me too it but I agree no such thing as 'just' emotionally abused. I used to wish my ex husband would punch me in the face so I'd have a black eye to show to people to justify me leaving him . In reality, the emotional marks he left were worse and have stayed with me for a long time. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing for yourself and your children

[smilingeyes11]

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. You know you need to leave - if not for yourself do it for your children

[RipeningApples]

1. Make an apt to see a solicitor (it's worth the fee) so you have all the practical facts before you.
2. Get counselling I place for your ds asap.
3. Get house valued and check out market. Your DH doesn't need to know.
4. Work out your rough equity, small mortgage and see what you could get where.
5. Tell him what you are doing when your plans are laid to minimise the ranting and the ridicule.
6. Tell your children
7. Tell your mother
8. Start living again even though you will have to compromise over your accommodation but better to do it in control and with your eyes open than when you are desperate and not calling the tune.
9. Good luck.

[gettingtherequickly]

Please leave him, I have a friend who has an emotionally abusive husband. He's an alcoholic and treats her with no respect.

He does provide well, they have a beautiful house, great holidays and his kids adore him.

She now lives with a husband, and two sons (16 & 18), who all treat her like crap, ignore her opinions, ignore any requests for help, or to not smoke in the house, or do drugs, or to come home at night or at least call to say where they are.

It's a living nightmare and she can see no way out. Please leave before his son turns into him.

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Atilla - that makes perfect sense. I'm a shell of a person due to years of emotional abuse. It's laughable that I'd be horrified if a friend told me they'd been subjected to what I have been and would be so worried for them, yet I can't extend the same care to myself. Again, I think when you have been made to feel worthless for years it is hard to make rational decisions about your wellbeing.

I'm just trying to think I need to do this for the kids, even if I'm wavering.

I will check the WA website as I don't know a lot about what they do and what I need from them but I clearly need to speak to somebody.

It's just all so bloody messy and such a shame for the kids

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

MadameJosephine - I have thought exactly the same on so many occasions. He was close one when he kicked my dryer in (because I'd turned it on!) but he's never actually hit me!

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Thank you RipeningApples. Your practical advice is really helpful as I have nowhere to start. You are right about counselling for DS even though his dad would kill me if he knew about it. He's such an angry volatile young man atm unsurprisingly.

[TheWindInThePillows]

You wouldn't be crushing your son's world, you would be giving him the chance to be a better person.

Good luck with it, and there's a lot of support to be found in these boards.

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Thanks TWITP - I have found so much strength on MN in the past couple of years

[elfies]

A miserable house is just a house .
An emotionally abusive partner is no loss .
Money means NOTHING unless you can enjoy it .
Please leave or throw your husband out and start living again while you're of an age to be able to work and provide for your lovely kids .
One day you may be really pleased you got your children out of this sad situation and can see them growing into lovely thoughtful and loving people .

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Thanks elfies - that really makes sense. I'm lucky we are not married (been together for about 15 years) so I suppose that makes it easier on some levels. I can't imagine how hard it must be for couples who have to go through a divorce as well as everything else a separation entails

[RipeningApples]

Actually it's a shame you aren't married, it confers legal rights over the assets in a marriage. Is the house I joint names.

I hope you mean "he would kill me figuratively". The fact you even say it I concerning and suggests you should pack now. Do you have enough money to tide you over? Would your mother take you in temporarily.

[YouAreMySweetestDownfall]

Agree with pp that it's not 'just' emotional abuse. The trouble is its so hard to define, even to yourself!

My ex never actually hit me and I think that's because he knew that would be my breaking point (I'd like to think). He would however shout at both me and our son to the point that my ds 3 wouldn't bat an eyelid and would even say to me, 'look Mummy, you're crying, I'm laughing' once ex had said his piece and fucked off for a smoke.

Find the strength to leave for both of you.

[ThisTooShallPassOneDay]

Yes RA - house is in both names. So I think it would just mean we would split the equity 50/50. We both earn roughly the same and would have to set up separate homes so I wouldn't really expect any money from him, just obviously help with school trips, uniforms as I presume the kids would live with me but would still want to spend plenty of time with their dad.

YAMSD - sounds exactly like me. DP clearly hates me so much but I just don't know why he doesn't leave. I cry almost every day and DS just rolls his eyes at me and doesn't even flinch when dad is ranting and raving. It's actually really sad. I'm so glad you got away from your ex. Was it really hard to leave?