Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dispute at pickup: restraining order or mediation?

(43 Posts)
torontonian Sun 03-Jul-16 05:29:12

DS is spending the weekend with STBXH. DS vomited three times during the night (STBXH only told me because I had what I thought was food poisoning and was vomiting too). I asked STBXH to take DS to the doctor - or DS could come with me to the GP.
At pickup time (for DD, different schedule) DS was hot. STBXH then disclosed he had a fever but he was not taking DS to the doctor today. There is a lot of backstory to doctors but in short, STBXH cant be bothered waiting to see a doctor (unless it is for himself). So we had an argument about the doctor, it got heated and he started fu**ing recording me again and I took his phone away. I was holding DS (3 y.o) in my arms and DD (1 y.o) in the strolller. STBXH struggled and then grabbed my arm and hurt me. There was bleeding and a bruise. As this hapenned I ask for help to a man across the street who intervened and called the police. So nothing further hapenned.
We were waiting for 4h and then police said they could not send a unit tonight. They will probably come home in a few hours to write a report.

This was not the first time that conflict arised at pickup/dropoff. I already asked to meet in a public place because I didn't feel safe. But today this hapenned in the street (very public).
Now, I need to drop DD tomorrow again and I sad. I would like to request an access centre for exchanges.
We do not have a court order yet and I still can't change the locks in the house. I stacked a bunch of furniture behind the front door for tonight. He is not agressive per se but he reacts violentlt in certain situations. Tonight I remembered he threaten his previous fiancee with a knife. So I am thinking of a restraining order. Do you think I should ask for one? Will I get it with a simple scratch and bruise in my arm? Or should I calm thing down and let it go (requesting the access centre)?

RolandaHooch Sun 03-Jul-16 06:11:13

I have no idea about the police/court perspective but you shouldn't have taken his phone. Yes, he was wrong to have grabbed you but he is within his rights to record handovers just as you are.

Unfortunately, I think you provoked him through your actions and he will argue that he was using reasonable force to retrieve his property.

If someone in the street grabbed your phone out of your hand how would you react?

If it is his contact time then it is his decision on whether to take your DC to the doctor or not. Both of you were wrong to conduct yourselves as you did in front of the DC.

mylovegoesdown Sun 03-Jul-16 06:15:20

What was being said that he wanted to record? And why didn't you want him to?

Oblomov16 Sun 03-Jul-16 06:47:26

All of this is not good.
But you lost your all your brownie points and your 'higher moral position' when he caught you on his phone. Now he has evidence. And he can make it look even worse by adding whatever he wants to the before and after, to paint you in an even worse light.
You need to be more careful and controlled.

JessicaRabbit3 Sun 03-Jul-16 06:52:56

Your as bad as each other. Disgraceful behaviour to act that way I front of two small children. Sounds like your out to punish him by a contact centre. Could a third party not be involved in pick ups?

Mycraneisfixed Sun 03-Jul-16 08:06:01

Some sanctimonious people on this thread!
He sounds like a controlling bully who knows just how to wind you up and as you're probably extremely stressed bringing up two small children and having to deal with STBXH I'm not surprised at how you reacted. Talk to a social worker or solicitor. You need a lot of support to get you through this. Could your STBXH have a lot less contact with the DC?

Pooka Sun 03-Jul-16 08:10:42

Leaving aside the argument and where that leaves you with regards to contact, if your ds has a vomiting bug he probably doesn't need to see a doctor unless it goes on for some days and he is showing signs of dehydration. Paracetamol for the fever and lots of fluids at home may help.

YouSay Sun 03-Jul-16 08:11:39

You should not take a child with a vomiting bug to a doctor. It is highly contagious and you cannot get antibiotics for it.

amistillsexy Sun 03-Jul-16 08:17:00

Your 3 yo ds was ill. He had spent the night vomiting and had a temperature. He needed to be wrapped up and looked after. Instead, you had an argument in the street about whether or not he should have been taken to the doctor (why? He'll be better in 24 hrs if you look after him ). How does your son feel now? Is he feeling any better?

VelvetSpoon Sun 03-Jul-16 09:08:00

There's no need to take a child with a bug to the GP, indeed most GPs advise against it because of the risks of passing it on to others. So you were wrong there, and in any event you have to understand you can't control what goes on during his access time. Just like he can't control what you do with the DC during yours.

He's entitled to record you. You can record him. The whole thing sounds like 6 of one abd half a dozen of the other. Maybe you should try to involve a 3rd party (one of your parents/ sibling/ friend) where DC can be dropped off/ collected from to avoid you both rowing in front of your children.

JessicaRabbit3 Sun 03-Jul-16 09:10:26

Op could of easily disengaged by closing the door instead of grabbing the phone. By the sounds of it she started the arguement. That discussion could of easily done via txt or phone call when the DC were not present.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 03-Jul-16 09:15:59

So you had the bug and quickly recovered. Now your DS has it too. And you got into a physical fight in the street about taking him to the doctors on the weekend when your DS needed a hug, some fluid and some peace.
You are both behaving appallingly.

CrazyDuchess Sun 03-Jul-16 09:16:44

How is your sonumber now op?

Bambamrubblesmum Sun 03-Jul-16 09:20:57

I've read a lot of your threads and it's clear you are hurt and angry, but you are just as bad as each other in terms of playing games. For those saying he's a bully, there's a massive back story here where it's been tit for tat.

You had no right to grab his phone and he is the one with all the evidence if the Police get further involved. It could all spectacularly backfire in your face.

FFS start thinking of your children and stop trying to score points off of him.

MrsBertBibby Sun 03-Jul-16 09:36:05

He shouldn't be recording you, here's the Court of Appeal on the subject. Recording contact handovers can amount to intimidation, and it's hard to see how it's in the children's interests to know their parents are doing this. He isn't breaking the law in recording, but it isn't likely to endear him to

You shouldn't have grabbed the phone
He shouldn't have grabbed you
Nobody should be going to the GP with vomiting, call 111, ffs!

A non mol might help, but be prepared to accept some responsibility, especially as you have suddenly remembered this knife issue. Did that not seem important when you decided to have his children?

MrsBertBibby Sun 03-Jul-16 09:37:59

Oops, 'endear him to the court'

RadicalPessimist Sun 03-Jul-16 09:38:14

Unless a child is dehydrated they do not need to see a doctor for a vomiting bug. You were not correct to start berating him about that.

Your ex can film you if he wants. It's not nice and I wouldn't like it but it's not illegal.

You shouldn't have grabbed his phone. Why did you do that? It only escalated the situation. Your priority should have been getting your poorly child home and into bed not engaging with this twat when he's trying to wind you up.

He of course should not have bruised you or caused you to bleed. Was he doing that to get his phone back or was his intention to hurt you?

Regardless, I don't think seeing him again so soon afterwards is a good idea. I think the idea of a contact centre is a good one but in the meantime could a neutral party (a friend? Your mum?) do drop offs and pick ups?

TheCrumpettyTree Sun 03-Jul-16 09:40:13

I can't work out why your ds needed to see a doctor after vomiting 3 times. It's a bug, unless he's dehydrated what do you think a GP would be able to do?

torontonian Sun 03-Jul-16 13:33:45

Thank you all for your answers. Yes, there is a lot built up. And yes, I like kids checked by a doctor when they are not feeling well, apparently more than most moms here.

Anyway, he was recording the argument about taking DS to the doctor. That's it. Me saying DS was sick and he couldn't be bothered to take him. I don't think he can blame for that. I took the phone because I feel violated when he plants it in my face. I didnt make any contact with his hand or body. The use of force was not "necessary" or "appropiate" (his phone was not even in my hand when he grabbed me).

About the ex. He never told me anything about his past, not even that he was enganged before. These are things I learnt way into our relationship (and not from him).
I was in an abusive relationship (assault, broken bones) and I would not step into another with someone I know is violent.

AndNowItsSeven Sun 03-Jul-16 13:38:21

You are irresponsible to take your ds to the dicots with a committing bug. You are putting other patients at risk and wasting Nhs time.

AndNowItsSeven Sun 03-Jul-16 13:38:33

* doctors

Isetan Sun 03-Jul-16 13:44:29

You can not control his behaviour but you sure as hell, are responsible for controlling yours. If you can not control your behaviour around this man, then you need to stop being around him. For your children's sake you need to detach from him before someone gets seriously hurt.

Accept him for who he is and that you can not change him.

something2say Sun 03-Jul-16 14:09:48

I have seen many DV victims be torn to shreds in court. The man is the abuser, but suddenly their own texts and emails are being read by old white men to old white judges.

No matter what they do, do not respond. Do not argue, berate, tell off, try to get to change...nothing. Simply collect the children and get away.

You could apply for a non mol, but would need time to show that you are not respoding, otherwise it cannot be shown to be him alone.

VimFuego101 Sun 03-Jul-16 14:20:15

A child doesn't need to see a doctor for a vomiting bug that's lasted a couple of days, you'll just infect everyone else in the waiting room. Just let them sleep and make sure they drink lots of water and nibble on bland food. Obviously if it doesn't go away or they get dehydrated that's different. You should not have grabbed his phone, and in his time with the children he makes the decisions on whether they need to see a doctor or not. You need to stay calm during handovers; your children should not have to witness you fighting. I would have a think about whether you can find someone else to do handovers.

TheCrumpettyTree Sun 03-Jul-16 14:28:24

His behaviour is unacceptable. However maybe he's fed up of you taking the DC to the GP every time they have so much as a sniffle.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now