Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm a fool...(61 Posts)
but a heartbroken one and could use a place to offload.
I have been separated from my husband for 9 months.
Now for the cliche. I met up with an old boyfriend (one that got away, romantic bullshit) late last year and although I was separated, he was not and had a partner, no kids. We started an affair. He told me he would leave his girlfriend. He didn't. He went cold and told me he'd decided to try to make things work with his GF. This was a couple of months ago. I have flip flopped from no contact, to breaking my heart over him to contacting him. Latest was last night when we spoke at length for the first time in weeks. He says he loves me and always will but his 'gut' is telling him he needs to try to try again with his GF. I told him I will give him the space he needs and I understand.
I don't understand. I'm gutted. It's no more than I deserve, I know that's what a lot of you will think. It's what I think myself. I'm still devestated though. I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest, I'm sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a mess. I would never, ever have gotten in so deep if I didn't believe we were going to be together. It would never have been the best or most honest start to a relationship, but I really believed he loved me enough to want to be with me and would follow through with his promises. Stupid, stupid me.
I know what I have to do. Go no contact and stay away from men who are not free. It doesn't take away the pain though. I'm in bits. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's like it's all internalised and I'm screaming on the inside. I think my heart is breaking. I thought I'd experienced heartbreak before, but this is horrific.
It's not so much advice I need as a place to vent and let it out. I am too ashamed to confide in anyone IRL. Can anyone emphasise if not with the cheating part at least with the hearbreak and give me some pointers in how to get through this?
My only advice is that "i love you but i can't be with you" is complete and utter bullshit.
You're reaping what you've sown. I'll save my sympathy for his gf and kids if he has any.
I agree Rebel.
Apparantly, she has been through so much in her life he "can't do that to her". It'd kill her he said. No fucking problem doing it to me though, eh? God, I'm a twat. You'd think I'd have more sense in my 40s than I did in my 20s. Evidently not. I fell for the absolute twaddle hook, line and sinker.
No kids as per my OP Tigger. But yeah, I'm reaping it alright. In spades. When do the men in these scenarios reap theirs though?
Yes, you have been very foolish
So soon out of your marriage and falling for the oldest tricks in the book
Did you see yourself as that woman ? I reckon not. So see yourself as the strong woman who learns a lesson from playing with fire
You can move on. If you want to.
Yup once again total bullshit. Been there,done that,got the tshirt. Thankfully i was young and got a lot more tshirts after that.
Step 1. Realise he doesn't love you and he never did.stop all what if's scenarios and let go of all hope no matter how small
Step 2. Cut all contact. Block his number,delete it,block him on fb etc. Not only it makes it easier for you to move on ,but you're safe if he decides on a drink/coffee/chat/whatever for old times sake
Step 3. Go out,have fun,enjoy yourself.the more you wallow and isolate yourself the harder it will be. The world didn't start and won't end with him and to be honest you deserve better.
It's nice when people actually read a post before responding, isn't it.
Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. I agree that what he's said is bullshite, it's a common line used by cheaters (she's too unstable, I can't leave her). Few ppl esp. men are that self sacrificing (!)
Time will heal, get out and try as much new stuff as you can, try to distract yourself every time your thoughts go to it. You'll meet someone sooner or later and you'll be glad you were free to do so, and not with this cheater who has no integrity and would probably be doing the same to you.
Nothing guarantees a relationship will work out but not getting into this kind of situation raises the likelihood a lot higher. Learn from it to start "clean" or not at all.
I honestly never saw myself as that woman. A stupid, lonely, gullible, selfish fool. God almightly, how the hell did I even do this to myself?
You see, they are so fucking credible. You believe the bullshit. I saw me and him growing old together. I really did. Otherwise I would never have done it. I felt guilt towards his partner, of course I did. However, I rationalised it all in ways that are too shameful to even go into.
I want to move on. I have to move on. What's the alternative? I need to take a break from men for a long time. From a shitty marriage to what turned out to be a seedy affair with a liar. I'm just so fucking hurt.
Thank you all. There could be tears before bedtime at this rate! I think I need a good cry. I haven't cried properly in so long I think I have a lot of crying in me that needs to come out. Thank you again.
Crying helps..let it all out. Cry rant rave and deal with the emotions as they come to you. I suspect you were vulnerable,in need of companionship,a connection,feeling loved and wanted etc and he was there ready to pretend to give you all that. It's easy to believe the lies when you are vulnerable..especially if you want to believe them,because it's what you think you need.
Just because you've been a twat doesn't mean you deserve no sympathy or it's hurting you any less.
I think it's worse when we walk into these situations we know we should avoid when they blow up as we think well I should have bloody known better.
Give yourself some time, you're allowed to feel awful.
Don't talk to him though you don't want to be his plan B & to be honest waiting to see if he's going to come to you is torturing yourself.
Write him off & if he surfaces remind yourself how bad you feel now & that you don't want to put yourself in this position again.
Eventually you'll realise you're better off without him & feel for the poor woman that is stuck with him.
Have that cry. I will join you in a
We've all been fooled by men. You walked right into it though. He knew you were ripe for the picking and you've been played like a fiddle.
You are mainly embarassed and shocked at your manpleasing barrel scraping. That's gotta sting and so it bloody should.
Give yourself another 24 hours to wallow and then pull your Big Girl Pants up. This can never happen again and if you think you are still vulnerable to any ole shit from some sweet talking ponce you might want to get yourself some help with that.
You poor thing. You got played when you were vulnerable. A broken heart is a terrible thing no matter the circumstances. Cry. Get angry. Meet someone else.
I'm so glad I posted. It's helping so much you have no idea. I expected an absolute hammering, but really, your replies have been so understanding and kinder than I deserve.
Will pass on the for a while I think though. I don't trust myself right now.
It's fucking mindblowing how they can just trot this shite out though. I can't believe he was such a good actor, I really can't. Maybe that's me still trying to cling on to some crumbs of something though. Maybe he really is an undiscovered fat, bald Leonardo Di Caprio.
I'm sorry that you're so hurt. Everyone makes mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself. I think you need to take a break from men and work on yourself. Learn to love yourself and forgive yourself. Men can be charming sods and you were obviously in a vulnerable place. Just try to learn from what's happened and try not to repeat the same mistake. I'm guessing it was a rebound relationship (at least to start) and, from experience, that's usually not a good idea. I think you need to cut all contact with him in order to move on. You're obviously remorseful about what happened and the hurt it could've caused his dp. I think a good cry is a good idea . Good luck.
Isn't Leonardo DiCaprio actually fat and bald ?
You are very likely still vulnerable from your marriage break-up. How long were you married? Why are you separated?
It's probably in great part because you have hardly begun the process of unravelling all the emotion surrounding the end of your marriage, that you have got sucked into the "one that got away" scenario and rose-coloured glasses syndrome.
I am just surmising, but I am betting that your grief is not just over this man but about your marriage ending too.
You need to recover and be kind to yourself. Give yourself plenty time. I don't understand men and never will, but I do know that you need time to be alone. I made a big mistake when I left my violent first DH. I got involved with another man far too soon. He was more damaging to me than my DH had been. I wasn't thinking straight at the time. Big mess.
You WILL get through this. You really, really WILL. Just take it one day at a time and share how you feel with people who can help. Think about counselling if you think you need it.
I wish you all the best.
Ha, AF! This twats fatter and balder though! I really loved the fat, bald twat though. NO! I thought I did. I loved the illusion of the fat, bald twat. Jesus Christ. Sorry, kind of just talking out loud now.
You know, I think I'm gonna pop a slice of toast in for myself. My eating and sleeping has been all over the shop these last few weeks. I bet fat, bald Leo is sleeping and eating just fucking fine though. Prick.
Thank God for women in the world. Even though I've just shit on one of my own from the greatest height in the world and I don't deserve the solidarity. I really feel for her. She has no idea what he's like, no idea.
These fuckers just seem to get away with it though. I hope he ends up sad and alone (and fatter and balder).
Will night follow day ?
Will there always be women that suck up this shit? Of course there will.
Just make sure it isn't you
OP, you might find the following website useful. It's done with humour too, which I like.
See what you think.
You can get through this and emerge the stronger for it!
I was with my ex for 10 years, fatty (feel weird calling you that!). Marriage ended because we were like siblings in the end. No passion, no sex, just generally incompatible. He is a lovely man, just wasn't the man for me and in the end we barely spoke. It was soul destroying and I felt very unwanted and unattractive. And enter Fat Bald Leo from stage left with his declarations of lust and love and all that jazz.
And yes, you are probably very correct. I haven't had time to properly grieve the end of my marriage because I jumped from it to contacting FBL and, well, here I am. In bits over a man who never gave a flying fuck about me it seems. Oh I'm sure he liked me alright. And I've no doubt he liked the sex and the ego stroking. He just didn't actually love me at all. That's hard to take.
Join the discussion
Please login first.