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Relate couples counselling

(5 Posts)
NoOne2016 Sat 02-Jul-16 21:22:30

Has anyone ever done couples counselling and found it had a positive impact on their marriage?

I love my husband with all my heart but lately I find myself having thoughts like "is he really THE ONE for me" I have these thoughts because I feel like right now we have different priorities. He's a brilliant dad and does a lot for us as a family but as a husband I just feel like it's one of those situations where because he's comfortable he's stopped trying to make an effort with me. He goes out to see his friends most evenings lately and the other night he did admit he had been going out a lot lately and he was sorry and it would stop, but this is something I've heard time and time again. He's addicted to smoking weed and i feel this has a lot to do with him seeing his friends because he goes where the weed is. Always says he's going to stop but never makes it more than 2-3 days and his mood is horrible in this time so to be honest I'm glad when he goes back on it because it means he will be nice to me again (how bad does that sound) were on a weekend away at the moment with our kids and I've had to step out and go for a walk because he's just been on his phone all night, I would rather us all be sociable and have fun but it's like he would just rather be on his phone.

I feel in an impossible situation because I do love this man and I know he loves me, he tells me every day but I can't go on like this. I'm not happy and I want to suggest counselling but I just don't think he will agree to it.

Sorry for the rant I think I just needed to vent.

CalleighDoodle Sun 03-Jul-16 09:37:03

Youre not happy. He is out most nights doing drugs. He has an addiction and is making no effort to deal with it.

Try counselling. Keep leaving him in mind too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 03-Jul-16 09:46:49

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You know he loves you? Well he has a strange way of showing it. And no he does not love you. Words are cheap OP, look at his actions. He cannot seem to be without this for more than 3 days. He is just paying lip service to his addiction and is telling you what you want to hear.

He loves weed more than you, his primary relationship is with that particular substance. Its not with you or your children. He does not want to give it up either, he is now basically dragging you and these children down with him.

You can only help your own self ultimately here.

Is he really such a brilliant dad as well; women in rubbish relationships tend to write such denial when they can themselves write nothing else positive about their man. You have done the same. I'm sure your children wonder why you and he are together at all now, they see your unhappiness all too clearly.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you? This is not the model that they should be seeing.

Relate will be of no use whatsoever in these circumstances but counselling for you alone however, is a must. I am wondering if you are confusing love with co-dependency. I would suggest you contact someone like BACP to help you.

NoOne2016 Sun 03-Jul-16 22:38:23

Thank you for your honest opinions. I do agree with the fact k would benefit hugely from counselling on my own, I have huge self esteem issues.

That's an interesting theory that I may be confusing love with co dependency, I had never even thought of that, but how do I know the difference? I'm just very confused right now.

PastoralCare Thu 07-Jul-16 09:33:58

Before you go into councelling, ask yourself the following questions:

-what are you looking to obtain from the therapy and in how much time?
-is there a chance the councelling might make things worse because you will be asked some intimate details and things may spiral out of control?
-how much are you willing to pay and how long for?
-what if you are nonplussed by the therapist? Are you going to drag him out again to find a new one?

Unlike with a broken car where you know exactly what needs to be fixed and how, concepts such as "being the one" or "smoking too much weed" are highly subjective, they may have many causes, they may be temporary, they may even be the usual challenge that healthy couples experience.

The weed may not be related to you. He may like it in a different way that he likes/loves you the same way he might like vanilla ice cream while still loving you. If it's not really the weed, but more the fact that he spends more time with his friends, then you should try to understand, what he does with them that he can't do with you. Does he have to do everything with you? Can you come to terms with the idea that some activities are shared and some are common ( you might enjoy playing tennis and he might not).

For what it's worth, I think it may be the stress of "is he the one?" that makes you question other kinds of behaviours from his part. If you didn't feel uncertain, the weed part might not bother you at all.

Rest assured, there is not "a one". There are many people we could have a great life with, in different ways, but still great.

I am not saying either that you have to stay with him, but you need to focus on the right fundamentals.

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