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Dead Bedroom

(14 Posts)
HelpMeTalkToHim Sat 02-Jul-16 19:33:48

I think my husband would quite happily never have sex again if it were up to him and it's making me miserable. Whenever I try to talk to him he gets defensive and antsy so the subject just isn't ever discussed.

It was my birthday last month and he treated us to a night away at a swish hotel with dinner, I thought my luck was in but no. We had dinner headed back to the room and he promptly fell asleep.

This feels like a marriage ender for me but I want to give it one last shot before I call it a day but I don't know how to discuss it with him. How do I say "I want to end our marriage because we never have sex. Buck your ideas up or we are over" it seems very much the opposite of what we say to women on here who don't have a sex drive for whatever reason.

I don't know what to do. I feel so unwanted unattractive and unloved right now.

SandyY2K Sat 02-Jul-16 19:40:20

Why isn't he interested?

His body or confidence?
Weight gain?
Depression Or stress?
Low testosterone? Has he had a check up?

Is it tiredness from work?

How frequent is it?

Is he otherwise affectionate?

Could he be cheating?

Lots of question to try and understand the why, before you end it.
I'll send you some similar links to your problem via PM.

Flacidunicorn Sat 02-Jul-16 19:42:48

Sit him down away from the bedroom, tell him straight to his face,
"I want to end our marriage because we never have sex. Buck your ideas up or we are over"

Sex is, in my opinion, important in most relationships. If you both are happy with none, that's fine, of you both enjoy semi regular, that's fine, of there's a difference then it becomes less fine.
Unfortunately the conversation needs to be had and it need to be honest and direct. He may sulk, he may cry etc etc. But you need to have the conversation.

Remember, he is your partner, if you can't have a grown up conversation bout important matters that effect both of you then maybe he isn't the partner for you after all.

HelpMeTalkToHim Sat 02-Jul-16 19:43:50

He just says it's not important to him and he can't see the point of it. It wouldn't be such a sticking point if he was affectionate toward me in bed, but he isn't. He seems to think because he's not interested in sex Im not allowed to be. He's not a selfish person other than on this one thing.

He does this thing where if we are having a good day or out for a meal where he sets up for it. So he'll get a "headache" on the drive home or his body will "ache" and he'll be "tired" and start faking yawning.

He's otherwise lovely. But this is a huge huge thing.

Joysmum Sat 02-Jul-16 19:48:08

I would tell him that you appreciate his feelings but for you a sexless marriage is a deal breaker and say you don't want to pressure him but could he ever foresee wanting to have sex again and is there any particular reason why he doesn't.

Flacidunicorn Sat 02-Jul-16 19:51:54

You need to get it all out with him then OP.
To me, and only going on you posts, it sounds like more is going on.
It could be there is an issue he doesn't want to tell you about, it may be he feels he's saving your feelings by not telling you what it is. Has anything in the relationship changed recently? Children? New jobs?
Has anything changed in you or him? Weight gain? Mental health issues?

What ever it is, it can't be solved without him telling you the absolute truth.
"I'm just not interested" isn't really a reason if he was interested previously, unless he's always been a bit of a once a monther?

NapQueen Sat 02-Jul-16 19:51:59

Could he be gay?

HandyWoman Sat 02-Jul-16 20:08:02

He is going to great lengths to avoid intimacy with you.. This is a massive issue. Is this really the only issue in your marriage? Would counselling be an option?

WorzelsCornyBrows Sat 02-Jul-16 20:36:32

If he's completely unwilling to address the problem and you have tried and failed, I would tell him "I'm xx years old and I'm not able to accept that I'll never have sex again and it's selfish of you to expect me to. This is a deal breaker so we need to split."

EverythingWillBeFine Sat 02-Jul-16 21:03:17

I've said it numerous times before.

A relationship wo sex can be very happy.
A relationship wo any intimacy is dead.

Concentrating on the sex us concentrating on the wrong thing.
Now if he felt he could be affectionate/intimate with you (eg cuddles in bed) wo you expecting sex, would he do it??

EverythingWillBeFine Sat 02-Jul-16 21:04:54

And yes of course there is a red to have a discussion about why no intimacy and in kart ocular if he ever feels pressured into sex, so much so that he avoids any situation that could be leading to sex.

SandyY2K Sat 02-Jul-16 22:08:55

Can I ask your ages and if you have or want kids?

Was he always low drive?
Looking back can you think of any signs this was going to be an issue?

Quite often we overlook issues because we think it's not a big deal or because we're so in love.

If you read those links I sent you'll find most advise that it won't get better and you should leave.

IveGotCheese Sat 02-Jul-16 22:22:59

How old is he?

Perhaps his equipment isn't working and he's embarrassed?

LellyMcKelly Sun 03-Jul-16 07:30:29

He could be gay. He may not even be admitting it to himself, but he could be gay. This happened to me - big night's out, weekends away, affectionate, but no actual sex. He was gay.

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