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narcissist bingo anyone?

(22 Posts)
GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 14:04:28

So far Today we've had

Randomly and blatantly changing the past to 'prove' how I have never helped him

Flat out stating that something didn't happen - despite me having a witness present!

Constantly telling me he can't go for a nap cos there's no way I can cope with 2 DC alone. But he's so tired cos he had to be up early with DS (who cried endlessly for me but I was with Dd who is struggling with a broken leg and then I ended up with both kids in my bed)

Fucking wanker

ThisIsTheRightTime Sat 02-Jul-16 15:19:56

GettingScared, my future ex, in mediation, the other day stated that his lawyer, my lawyer and the judge had all been lying but he was telling the truth. But of course! shock

So much lying and with such a convincing manner.

GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 15:42:57

It does regularly leave me shock when he screws up his face and changes history to his version.

I am really struggling living with him but have no choice u til divorce is done.
Flat is mine (I am the named tenant) so he does have to leave. He is just refusing to do so until he absolutely has to.
But he's so awful. I find myself just going out and sitting in the car sometimes simply to escape him.

ThisIsTheRightTime Sat 02-Jul-16 15:46:02

GettingScared, I feel for you. The months before mine moved out were hellish. I was scared and intimidated by him. I learned not to engage. It saved me. If you need to offload, I'm here.

GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 16:55:37

Thank you.

I sat in my car and cried in Tesco car park.
He brings out the worst in me too and j hate myself when he's around.

It's also as if he doesn't seem bothered by people being around. For example, my mum is here helping with my DC (Dd broke her leg) and he is still being nasty in front of her. As if he doesn't see her.
It's so weird.
His mask has totally fallen off.

It could be months and months until he has to go. Who knows how he will react to the divorce papers when he is served confused

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 18:31:51

You said it, when the mask slips..... I have suffered more since we escaped with his behavior, the lies he has told are mind boggling, pure fantasy

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 18:37:33

There is no communicating with a Narc, I used to lie in bed after he hurt me, numb and cold, like the air in the room was poison and I couldnt breath...the next day..'sorry, but you made me do it and say those things to you , so sorry' then the tears, the acting, the fake 'I love you' still have flashbacks

ThisIsTheRightTime Sat 02-Jul-16 19:05:45

FreeFromHarm, snap! My husband left over a year ago and the pain and havoc he has stirred up since leaving is mind boggling. It's particularly the lies he tells to his lawyer which then become legally binding which are the most horrendous.

They have no shame and are, in their minds, above the law.

GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 19:05:46

Oh yes! The way I physically controlled his mouth and forced him to spew venom and vitriol at me and about me.

'You ruined my life. Your cancer inside me'
Then 'well why did u make me say that if you knew it would hurt?'

But if, and there were occasions mostly in the last year that I said something nasty then that was entirely my fault as well.

What the actual fuck?
I find myself spending far far too long considering if he knows he is doing it or if he genuinely believes what he says.

When he re-writes history to suit his current need does he actually think he right in the moment?
When he says I 'made' him say nasty things... Maybe he genuinely believes I did?
Does that make sense?
I'm not excusing it, I'm maybe trying to find some rational in the abuse that I can hold onto as a way to deal with it.

Perhaps if I can believe that he didn't purposefully mean to destroy my life then I can forgive and be rid of this hatred and baggage.
But a little part of me thinks that it was all done consciously and win purpose.
Whether that purpose was to destroy me or a different purpose makes no difference.

ThisIsTheRightTime Sat 02-Jul-16 19:06:42

Everything was my fault. I stopped him from living, from making decisions. I was the cause of all his misery.

Really? He doesn't look any happier now he's without me.

GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 19:11:02

I've come out the fog a little I think.

Last night I was watching something on the iPad and he was furious with me about something unrelated to the iPad. Anyway, he tried goading me several times but I was ignoring him.
Then he stormed into the room and snarled 'don't use MY iPad'
Me: 'seriously?'
Him 'don't fucking touch MY stuff'
Me laughs 'whatever. But there'll be quid pro quo... Stop using my flat'
Him: flounces out in a fury

It made me laugh cos it was such a sad and desperate attempt to control me and 'make me pay' for my actions. And instead of getting upset and thinking how I can put out the fire I just thought it was so pathetic.

GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 19:15:04

Sad and sorry that anyone else has had to deal with this but it is reassuring to read your story. Gives me hope.

STBXH's life is the one that will be destroyed by this divorce.
His right to stay in this country is contingent upon our marriage.
And he has nothing really in his life.
He claims to have 'many friends' and that I stopped him from seeing them which is why none of them ever call him or invite us anywhere.
Except through out our relationship I realised when it came to his friends he is a taker.

Wen we moved into this flat they all dropped their plans and came to help clean and decorate (it was horrendous and Dd was 6 weeks old). They worked their jobs during the day and painted and sanded etc all night for 2 weeks, during Ramadan (all Muslims) so we could move in.

One of those friends got a flat in similar condition about a year later and he didn't once go round to help out. Not once.
I was so embarrassed.

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 19:16:59

The lack of emotion, the lack of any concern even on diagnosis of stds one so serious I have life limiting illness { wasnt me !!! he said ) , the lack of any feelings, , it all makes sense now, there is no trying to understand the rationale behind their behaviour , they are wired up differently, for control, humiliation and thier egos. They are the most dangerous of men.

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 19:17:37

oops their... sorry for typo

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 19:25:58

my exh is on partner number 8 in 2 years since we escaped, all single mothers vulnerable, and needing a good man, present ow has no idea , stays in marital home which is on the market , he emailed me.... I am not happy....
he is on dating sites, ow thinks she is the only one..... but there is never only one, he is always on the look for his next victim
I have nothing but I know I will never have to be hurt by him again, punched, kicked , spat at , assaulted , because I am now in control
Have my bad days to, but I know we can all get through this

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 19:29:08

Right time, its all a facade, the lies, the mask slips, it cannot be kept up for ever, that is our saving grace , actors fluff their lines don't they :O)

GettingScaredNow Sat 02-Jul-16 19:33:50

Sorry to hear you had to endure physical abuse aswell. STBXH has not stooped to that level. Perhaps as he knows I was beaten within an inch of my life when I was younger (first boyfriend). Perhaps he just doesn't have that in him. Who knows.

But the sheer volume and depth of his emotional abuse has left me feeling. Not by the actual insults and accusations. I'm coming to terms with those and washing them away slowly as the bullshit they really are. But, the fact that he can do it, with no issues. He can be so cruel and think it is justified cos he's 'upset'.

Fucking wankers.

I'm genuinely looking forward to being single and enjoying my little people while they are little!! I can't wait for him to move out but I'm also happy not to meet anyone for a while!! Just want to be me and be left alone really.
I need to breathe.
Sit where i want on the couch.
Control the to remote.

Have a gas hob kettle that I love instead of that horrible electric thing!!
Leave my tea bag on the little plate thing to cool for hours and hours without being berated for it!!

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 20:17:52

I know exactly how you feel, I just want it all to be over

ThisIsTheRightTime Sat 02-Jul-16 20:27:21

GettingScaredNow, mine left early May last year. I thought when he was gone that I could put together my life with my DC but, no, he put us all through HELL. But, I quickly felt the hugest relief at being single, without him, and free to be myself.

A year on he isn't doing everything to crush me. He's moved onto other preoccupations, than God. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please hold onto that. And really and truly when you disconnect from them (a chap who flirted with me sufficed to turn my attention away) then they lose their power over you. I can look him in the eye during mediation and show him that I am not impressed, let alone fearful anymore.

I NEVER imagined being able to write that this time last year when I was going through the brunt of the struggle against his lies and accusations.

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 21:59:38

RightTime, it is the lies I have found hardest to stomach and the way he has treated our children ( he try's and convinces himself and others as they all do he is the best dad in the world !!! ), I do not have to mediate due to DV, but cannot wait for all it to be over, I feel so much stronger than a year ago, wish you well

Aussiebean Sun 03-Jul-16 00:41:21

If it is just your name on the tenancy, don't you have the right to kick him out and change the locks?

GettingScaredNow Sun 03-Jul-16 08:26:40

Yes. And also No.

I am a social housing tenant so the council say I do have that right and I can get the police involved to remove him.

The police said the council don't supersede the law which states that as we are married he has right to stay in the marital home.

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