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advice please re friendship - I will get this deleted shortly

(20 Posts)
pollylollyfolly Fri 01-Jul-16 19:20:22

I have name changed and I will get this deleted once I have had some advise!

Myself and my friend (I will call her lily) have been friends for 18 years since we were 18, from our very early 20 I would say we were pretty much best friends, both got married and had our children around the same time etc, through this time lily was very very depressed and unhappy, had issues with weight and very bad anxiety and struggled a lot with worrying about health issues she didn't have and was petrified of chocking/not being able to breathe through allergies etc (none of which she had was just part of her anxiety) she also suffered with PND, through this whole time I have supported her, pretty much seen her everyday etc.

Around 5 years ago she confided in me that she had started a affair with her boss, while I didn't agree with her and told her I didn't agree with what she was doing I remained very close and supported her, the only good thing that came out of that affair was that she was finally able to get the strength to leave her unhappy marriage and she appeared to get better in herself, lost weight, got her confidence back a little and started to get over her anxiety and panic attacks. Her affair continued for a year after her marriage ended until her boss admitted he would never leave his wife, she hit rock bottom and again I supported her 100%

Now don't get me wrong over the years she has also been a great friend to me and supported me through a very. Bad patch for 3 months earlier this year when I was very very down.

Now the next bit, I used to work for a lady (I will call her polly) I worked for her for around 2 years doing her cleaning/ironing and to be honest her and her husband are total pain in the arse types, very overpowering, controlling, demanding etc, I got this job though this lady (polly) SIL who I am very good friends with and also agrees that polly is a pain in the arse! While working for her I saw a few times for myself how she would get a friend, be very controlling, demanding of them etc and make constant demands of them until something happens usual the person refused to do something try wanted and they would fall out with them, prolly is the type who can't have more than one friend at a time.

Now Lilly started to become friends with polly at the beginning of this year due to there children being at the same school, lily knew I used to work for polly and knew what a pain he is and also has been told this by pollys SIL and mutual friends and to begin with he just said she was keeping her distance and just being polite, as usual as time has gone on prolly has wormed her way in to lolly life and been firing money in (lily struggles with money) has been giving her cleaning jobs, buying her kids clothes, paying for gym membership for her etc

Now for the last few months I have known about lilly and pollys friendship and that's fine I don't try and stop it or interfere, I was pretty secure in my own very good long friend ship with lily. Lily has been having a rough time last few months, string of date with men who promise the earth never to contact her again and again I have been there for her in person and on the end of the phone when she is down.

So I noticed a bit of change in lolly attitude recently almost angry and jealous of everyone else and everything they have and very hard done by I also noticed how demanding/possessive polly was of her

Do about a month ago I noticed lilly basically stopped contacting me/responding to my calls/texts and constantly cancelling last minute whenever we had plans, this went on for s few week and I mentioned it to a very good friend of both of ours who said she had noticed the same, 2 weeks ago this friend managed to meet up with Lilly for a coffee while j was working and Lilly basically admitted if friend hadn't of pined her down and asked her she wouldn't of bothered to contact us and that she was just busy doing exercise class everyday, friend said that's fine but you don't go from seeing someone sometimes 4/5 Times a week to not even answering there texts, friend also mentioned she got the feeling it was all to do with polly and while she was having coffee with Lilly she overheard a phone call between Lilly and polly where prolly said "yes well your life has changed now and you haven't got time for them have you" when Lilly explained where she was and who with.

So I have continually tried to maintain contact with Lilly inviting her to meet for coffee/lunch etc only to every time get either a vague yeah will let you know or no reply at all.

So the question is what if anything do I do from here? I'm very hurt and upset that one of my very best friends has vanished, I know that pilly is behind this and I know it will one day all end in tears when lily doesn't do what pilly wants..... But I honestly not sure our friendship will recover from this

Redglitter Fri 01-Jul-16 19:24:32

Personally I'd give up. She's obviously decided your friendship isn't important to her, let her go on with it. You shouldn't have to work that hard at a friendship. She's made her choice just don't be there if she suddenly decides she's changed her mind

Chupachupslips Fri 01-Jul-16 19:29:43

Wow you changed names so much! Lilly,lolly,polly, pilly!

If this was my long term best friend, I'd send a text message or deliver a card saying 'are you ok? I miss you. Let's have a talk x"

Then I'd leave it. If she doesn't contact you, you have to just leave it in afraid.

A very close relative of mine is just gone threw a breakup, 20 years she was with him. She is in one serious angry place and has fallen out with most of her family. I'm one of them. I miss her but feel she is in too much of a bad place if I contacted her she would tell me to fuck off. If you think there is a chance your friend is open to you reaching out do it.

3littlebadgers Fri 01-Jul-16 19:31:04

I have no advice really just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this, there will be someone sling soon with good advice flowers

Thisisnow16 Fri 01-Jul-16 19:46:07

Move on confused

sansXsouci Fri 01-Jul-16 19:48:05

I think you have no choice but to leave it, she is phasing you out, hurtful as it is you can't make her be friends with you if she doesn't want to be. From what you say she and polly will likely have a falling out sooner or later and then the chances are she'll get back in contact, you will then have do decide if you want to be friends again or not.

TheCrumpettyTree Fri 01-Jul-16 20:04:34

Stop making an effort. She will come crawling back once Polly has tired of her. It's whether she deserves your friendship after that. Do you want a friend who plays games like that?

autumnleaves123 Fri 01-Jul-16 20:10:41

I would be nice to her if she contacts you, but I would make no more efforts to initiate contact. Lily is sending you a very clear message here that she wants some distance and you have to respect that and give her that.

Now if Lily is so stupid so as not to see the manipulation and controlling behaviour coming from Polly, then I'm not sure I would really want to keep a friend like that. It could be that she's in a vulnerable place right now, but it seems that she's getting a huge financial advantage from Polly, so she's not likely to give up on that that easily.

Once a friend has been bought with money, gifts etc, I would personally keep my distance too. I'm not sure that's the kind of people I want in my life anyway. But my attitude towards friendship has toughened up over the years, precisely after experiencing a similar situation where money and expensive gifts were involved between my then friends.

Chupachupslips Fri 01-Jul-16 20:27:25

I have a very close relationship with my best friend, I'd give it one last shot before I walked away.

bumbleclat Fri 01-Jul-16 21:24:26

She sounds really harsh.
I would be tempted to move on..

RedMapleLeaf Fri 01-Jul-16 22:36:24

I have name changed and I will get this deleted once I have had some advise!

On what basis? confused

quicklydecides Fri 01-Jul-16 22:45:31

I don't think you can just get things deleted just cos you say....
Honestly, you sound like a twelve year old.
Let lily lolly be friends with pilly Polly....

pollylollyfolly Fri 01-Jul-16 22:49:14

On the basis that I would like this thread to disappear as it could be very outing!

Quickly you sound like a Dick!

Thank you to everyone else who actually bothered to give me sound advice and support through this upsetting times, shame as always on here someone has to try and spoil it

Zippidydoodah Fri 01-Jul-16 22:50:38

Lily, lolly, pilly, polly....really?!

Sorry. I know it's hard and it's very sad but looks like lily might have moved on...if it were me, I would probably send a message saying "miss you!" but if she keeps turning down your invitations, there isn't much you can do unfortunately sad

Redglitter Fri 01-Jul-16 22:51:03

There's really nothing at all outing in the thread. You've name changed and changed every one else's names. You haven't given any personal details. I'd be surprised if MNHQ delete it

giraffesCantReachTheirToes Fri 01-Jul-16 22:55:15

If lolly lilly lally was sly enough to have an affair for ages then she can lie to you too

RedMapleLeaf Fri 01-Jul-16 22:55:44

On the basis that I would like this thread to disappear as it could be very outing

I don't think that it works like that.

pollylollyfolly Fri 01-Jul-16 22:55:44

Great I can leave it to disappear on its own then.

As for lily, lolly, etc clearly predictive text from my phone.

mummymeister Fri 01-Jul-16 23:06:20

You cant force someone to be or stay friends with you. I would however at least be honest about this with her because really a clearing in of the air has to be the best policy.

I would arrange to meet with her one last time and say look we haven't seen as much of each other lately as we have in the past and as I would like us to. if you have moved on with your life that's fine, I accept that but I don't want to be in the position of the subs bench, hanging around in case the main striker has to come off.

don't do it by text. speak to her. sometimes the thrill of the new means people forget their older friends.

pollylollyfolly Fri 01-Jul-16 23:15:20

Mummy I think your right, I'm just concerned that she isn't in a good place and our other very good friend feels the same... She has also cut this friend out to

It hard I would hate for her to be in a bad place then when it all goes tits up with polly (because it's will at some point) feel like she has no one! We have been very very close for 18 years but she also needs to understand she can't cut out her real friends then pick them back up st s later date if her current friendship isn't working out for her.

I will try and secure a meet with her over the weekend

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