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In law and dh issues....(30 Posts)
I'm just feeling very alone right now and have just had enough.
I just can't deal with my MIL and I never want to see her again! There, I've said it.
My DH knows but obvs he adores her cos she's his Mum and my LO adores her too. They see her when I'm at work. She makes a point of only seeing them when I'm at work.
For the past few years she's been the most hurtful MIL to me. She was alright with me before I married her son. Then she revealed her true colours. Annoyingly I'm the only person who's seen them. My DH always takes her side and says I'm over sensitive and she gets like a house on fire with her other DILs, except me. So everyone thinks I'm the one with the problem. But am I? AIBU?
I've tried being nice. Waste of time.
Am now going to vent even more.
When we first got married she'd come on most of our holidays with us. She'd ensure my DH would be out with her on a Sun...I was invited but she knew I couldn't as I had to work that day. I'd often spend that day alone.
Then she turned extra weird after our LO was born. Basically forced me into BF. Wouldn't give LO some top up formula when I was taking a desperate nap. Then made constant digs. Comparing me to all the other new mums we knew. Showering them all with praise but has never once, in many years, had anything positive to say about me as a Mum.
Then she'll never see my LO and I on our day off. Mostly because I've moaned to my DH that she let's FIL smoke and drink to excess in house and she should encourage him to get help. She enables him. Then we had a massive row a few years ago. My late Dad was v ill and needed lots of help and my Mum was getting v ill also and only I could help them. So she told me we'd be leaving him in a care home 'to die' if we put him in one. I've never ever forgiven her. My is now terminally ill and she rarely asks how she is. When we said we may have to move in with her as she needs care her response 'that's a v bad idea as she's a very rude person'....i'd only just lost my Dad and we had a stand up row over it. Since then we barely speak unless we have to. We are civil but I find it difficult to be around her.
Then I worry she's turned family against us. My BILs rarely see us. They never remember my bday...I'll cook a meal at ours and hold dinner parties for them and don't even get a bday wish on my bday. Maybe I'm being silly. dh thinks so.
Final straw came when mil went on about sil who recently joined our family being so 'slim and beautiful' on her wedding day. Sure barely mentioned how I looked on my wedding day...though i am fat so i suppose she thinks I looked appalling and I probably did. I'm the only fat one in the family. Her and her mum love to go on about how my SILs are 'so nice and slim'.
She rarely offers to babysit or help with my Mum. I just feel she is selfish. I know this is not to be expected and indicative of my being high maintenance....but I haveno support network and feel I'm everyone else's
Now on Sun I have to go to BILs bday bash. Make food for it. I've gotten gifts etc. dh asked me too. I feel v upset. Don't want to go. None of Dh brothers and sils even sent me a card. And not 1st time. Fed up. They all dislike me. Never see me. Fed up. They're all team mil. I can't stand her.
I know I'm being childish here....but I've had enough.
Today 16:09 WiMoChi
Hi OP. I've inly read your first few posts. I'm pleased she encouraged you to continue breastfeeding. That's pretty awesome of her actually. But I still hate her.... Let me explain.
Let her see your DH when you're at work. And be thankful you get to skip seeing her! Why spend time with awful people who clearly try to avoid you??
Yore the only one who can see her adverse behaviour and your DH thjnks you're being over sensitive. Ok, maybe she can pick up that you can see her nasty ways and she probably continues in purpose. Your husbands attitude is a problem, huge problem. He's not taking your feelings seriously nor putting them first. He agreed to forsake all others when he married you, and that includes mummy dearest.
She came in all your holidays 🙄 Nightmare. But why agree to it? So you didn't look like a bitch? Well one of you will have to be pissed off. You or her. Why are you and your husband putting her happiness and needs before your own?? Because you and husband let that happen. She picks on you a bit over other DILs? You've no idea what tripe DH is feeding her. He's probably throwing you under a bus at every opportunity or moaning about you to her. Or maybe he isn't. But it's entirely possible??
She's never praised your mother skills. Why should she? Why are you seeking her approval? Stuff her and her shitty opinions. You're doing an awesome job as a mother. It doesn't matter what she thinks.
She said hurtful things about your family and doesn't help out. You host meals For her. Stop the info train. Stop telling her about your parents. Then she can't say hurtful things. And it's your mum and dad why should MIL help out? So she can see how ill they are and widen her abuse target to you? She doesn't have to help out. It's not her responsibility either. Stop cooking her meals and buying presents and making food. DROP THE ROPE! Drop it right now. It's DHs family. He can cook for them and buy them presents.
Calling other DILs slim is a very passive aggressive of her. Not nice. Ignore it. It's childish. Learn to love yourself.
Stop trying to please this woman. You won't ever please her. Whatever you do won't be good enough. And the only person who will suffer is you. Stop doing it all and live for yourself and your kids and people who care. Id also consider cou selling for you and DH. He needs to be on side. Cut the umbilical cord to mummy.
You are not being childish or unreasonable. Your feelings matter.
Are you sure your oh isn't using her as a sounding board to complain about you?
If you don't spend any time with her she must be getting her info from someone else
I would just let them spend time together while you are not there and be glad you aren't there.
Try and avoid her as much as possible and give up hoping that she will suddenly start to like you
Stop trying to please this woman. You won't ever please her.
Aginghippy....you're right. I'm just worried about my marriage falling apart because of it. After my row with her over my Mum my husband and I had the worst row ever. We ended up at counselling. I said I'd leave. He said I love you but also said go then I'm not going to stop you
Why are you the only one she doesn't get on with? Is it your strong personality? Or can others not see what she's like?
Stop hating and start ignoring her. Hate does you no good and you're the only one who will get stressed out.
You don't like her so it's best she sees your son when you aren't around anyway.
Remember it's his mum and the woman who gave birth to him. Pick your battles or you could loose this one and your marriage.
You should have gone when he said that. Your H is the real problem here.
I'm not sure. I know her bf of many years took my side when she witnessed the row we had about my Mum. I also heard that she beats up my fil.
I think she doesn't like me because I'm sensitive....she doesn't do emo stuff and is highly resilient which I'm not...
I also think she is unhappy because my husband is unhappy....
Is she narcissistic? I'd cry my bottom penny she is. I have to agree your husband is the biggest issue here.
I guess if I see it from her pov....everyone else is confident, healthy, fun loving, happy go lucky and helpful. Then there's me....shy, fat, miserable, stressed and too tired to do anything....why would she like me? I don't even like me....
Her friend who took my side thinks shes changed....turned narcissistic, treats fil as servant, enables his addictions and is passive aggressive
I'm just tired. I want to run away from it all.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. "You don't like you" that needs work before you can tackle your MIL.
If your H said that in counselling and can't see the problems with his parents' behaviour then IMO you'd be better off without him.
Oh, and easier to deal with: STOP running around after people! Especially the in laws. Let DH make food and buy stuff for them himself if he wishes.
I think cos he's ill ( he has a neurological condition) ....I've tried to do lots for him with the running around. I guess also I want them to like me. See I'm a kind person. But its been futile..
So I'll stop.
My MIL was very different in front of me when DH wasn't around - often she was downright rude and personal. Lots of comments on weight and how amazing SIL was blah blah.
I was just very polite and ignored her. Then when DD arrived the personal comments were directed at DD or my capabilities as a parent.
So - I just stopped speaking to her as much as possible. I would nod and give shorts answers and didn't engage as it would just start again. she also lived a long distance away and because of that I was not proactive about going to visit. DH was too disorganised so it meant we rarely saw her so that was her punishment in the end.
I think in hindsight she blamed me for fact DH lived hundreds of miles away, even though I'd met him there! I'm sure she thought if he'd met someone 'local' he would have moved back.
An important part in liking yourself is to treat yourself with kindness and respect. Every meal you cook for them that goes unthanked or unreturned by so much as a birthday wish is another attack on your own self-esteem. No-one would feel confident or at ease in the situation you are in.
Treat yourself as you would advise a friend in a similar situation. No more putting yourself out for them; expect nothing and give nothing.
Only you can decide if you can live with the fact your DH told you he wouldn't stop you if you wanted to go. He has chosen his side. Why did you make the food and buy the gifts for someone who can't even be arsed wishing you a happy birthday? Bollocks to it. I would tell your DH you're not going and there will be no further food prep or gift buying, he can sort it out from now on.
You're right. I just shant bother anymore. Sick of being taken for absolute granted.
Confided in my Mum...she thinks I should go....keep the peace. I don't know what to do.
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