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Are you always single? Come here. A Dismissive Avoidant cast me in the role of Anxious preoccupied

(20 Posts)
ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 12:37:11

Does this mean any thing to you!? Are you/were you (like me) single for most of your life, with only a few brief fling-like attachments or attachments to men with one foot out the door.

I'm reading a great book which is a development of some of john bowlby's theories but for adult attachment styles and I'm realising that the last man I grew attached to made me feel (mildly) anxious-proccupied. It's all just so eye-opening. I have been reading this book and googling and trying to absorb and comprehend it all. I've just had the best system for staying single going on.

I'm sure I could have a secure attachment style if I were with another secure person. I think I get it now. Finally.

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 12:46:47

The book is called Attached by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel HELLER and if you've been single pretty much your whole life and unable to figure out why, I really recommend it.

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 20:22:40

bumping this for the evening because I know there are so many other mners who've also been single for decades, for their whole adult lives.


Anybody managed to change their attachment style and break their old pattern of feeling drawn to / attracted to dismissive avoidants free spirits!?

Czerny88 Fri 01-Jul-16 20:35:15

Hah! I wish...

Now if only I'd known that reading a book would change everything, I needn't have bothered with the eight years of therapy. hmm

(Bitterness directed at situation, not OP.)

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 01-Jul-16 20:59:04

Here's an online test to determine attachment style, for the curious and self-diagnosers.

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 21:39:47

This clip was also really enlightening to me

Thanks for posting the link RiceCrispie,

I'm not anxious preoccupied with a person with a secure attachment style but I was mildly anxious preoccupied with a man (men) with avoidant attachment style.

The lecturer explains really well why these two are drawn to each other and why what can never work out feels so right to begin with.

Now, all I need is a man with a secure attachment style. Easy right........

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 21:54:35

Czerny88 I've had psychotherapy too! I still think it's possible to make progress on your own. Some of the progress I've made on my own has been more significant I think. I think the psychotherapy just left me open to the possibility of change.

I only ever had 8 sessions. Years ago. But it is like learning to read. The books don't read themselves though.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Fri 01-Jul-16 21:59:54

Haha this is me
I'm dismissive-avoidant to a t. Only ever attract anxious/preoccupied who creep me the fuck out after 5 minutes or other avoidants who are the ones I fall in love with. XH was fearful/avoidant and that was a head fuck. Co-dependent yet simultaneously pathologically self reliant (both of us)
I have no idea what benefit it brings to recognise this stuff as I am no further along in fixing it!

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 21:59:58

Czerny, can I ask why you sought out therapy? Was it to do with relationships?

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:03:38

ladyStark did one of your parents over rely on you? Or is that an over simplification? Apparently dismissive avoidant types are 'made' when a parent, usually their mother, has an overly enmeshed relationship with them.

My mother was definitely very benignly neglectful. Whenever I asked her for any tiny thing she sighed.

One thing that I wondered (when I was trying to figure out why the dismissive avoidant ''friend'' I became close to) didn't just seek out another avoidant type and the clip (and also the book) explains it very well.

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:06:27

ps, yes, I don't know yet if recognising it will help me find a secure type more attractive. I hope so.

I seem to believe that there is absolutely NO overlap between the men I'm attracted to and the men who really want to be with me. NONE. So I honestly don't know if recognising all of this and having labels for the weird shit I'm now ''owning'' will make me find different types of men attractive.

letsstaytogether Fri 01-Jul-16 22:14:03

Going to come back to this tomorrow....

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:17:34

brew do letsstay I like knowing I'm not alone :-p

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Fri 01-Jul-16 22:20:33

No, neither parent was overly reliant. Mother is great - definitely secure and I think I had a secure attachment to her in childhood. Father is complex, emotionally abusive traits and very high expectations combined with rigid inflexibility. I think I developed avoidant relationship traits as a mechanism to protect my secret and private inner world which I created as a child/teen. My inner world had to be secret and private because I instinctively knew it was at odds with dad's expectations and i still believe it will be rejected so I guard it carefully.

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 22:26:57

Oh I get that! Blimey.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Fri 01-Jul-16 22:28:21

grin like I said, knowing it doesn't help in fixing it! I do find it makes me feel more at peace with things though, I am who I am and that's ok star

CherryPicking Fri 01-Jul-16 23:07:35

Just took the test and came out as 'fearful'. Basically anxious with a side helping of avoidance.

Had a bit of an epiphany when I watched that video and realised every partner I've ever had was over-depended on by their parents (usually their mothers).

CherryPicking Fri 01-Jul-16 23:24:20

So what I'm wondering now is if you start out on the love addict people pleaser side of things, is it possible to become so damaged by it that you switch to avoidant? I think that's what's happened to me - the shame of being so bloody needy my whole life!

ThePigeon314 Fri 01-Jul-16 23:44:25

It definitely makes you feel more at peace with things.

Im going on a date with a man tomorrow, he is not my usual type at all.

Czerny88 Thu 07-Jul-16 13:50:10

Pigeon I sought out therapy because of issues from my adolescence and because I was failing to form a secure, long-term relationship. Nothing has changed in that respect, unfortunately, and I've sort of given up trying.

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