Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Gutted and So Confused

(19 Posts)
tess1pink Fri 01-Jul-16 06:49:55

I'm 55 and my boyfriend of 10months is 50. We have had a wonderful time. I go to his every weekend. He mainly cooks for me and then bike ride on a Sunday. We have been away 5 times, the latest last weekend to France. It was wonderful. He jokes a lot and we haven't had a conversation to 'define' out relationship however lately he has been jokingly saying when are we going to marry my love, in France he mentioned/joked a couple of times about buying our wedding rings. He said his friend wants to know when we are getting married. As it's said in jest I laugh it off. He has showered me with gifts including a car! He has been very hurt in the past and at the beginning of our relationship just to quip about me leaving him or when we parted comments which I let go over my head. He is caring and attentive I even feel he actually loves me. He texts me every day first thing, numerous time in between and goodnight. He refers to his house has our house, his car as our car. In France he was just the same. He said I was like a breath of fresh air to him as he was surrounded by synical people. So imagine my shock when after saying a warm goodbye Sunday afternoon he was on line on plenty of fish (where we met). During our 10 months together he has popped on their every 9 weeks or so. Someone I know with my permission emailed him and asked him what he was doing on POF he said he had been 'busy' but wasn't too sure bit bored!....he told her he wasn't looking for anything really on site and wasn't looking for a replacement. He said he didn't bother responding to messages and that she was the only one he replied to as they have emailed before online. I came to check on him originally as I was going on line to take my profile down this would have been last November and I noticed he was on line so since then I have checked from time to time. The thing this is obviously what he has said but also he went on there 3 evenings since Sunday. He texts me goodnight and goes on line for about 20 minutes. As he's working from home today (Friday) he was up later last night. Said goodnight to me at 9.30 but went on line for about another hour. My friend emailed him whilst he was online but he didn't respond this time. ....Sorry to waffle on but I feel physically sick and could do with some unbias advice. If I hadn't have checked him on line everything would be exactly the same there's no change in the way he is with me. I go this his every Saturday since August so I'm hoping to go this Saturday as usual. Should I confront him? Is he insecure about me? If he is bored with me he certainly wasn't up to Sunday early evening. Is he trying to 'fish' about how I feel about him? I am a very closed person I show him with actions how I feel about him wouldn't he pick up from this how serious I am about him? I'm worried he wont invite me over this weekend I have such a feeling of dread and if he does should I have the relationship conversation. Just cant be feeling like this.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Fri 01-Jul-16 06:56:00

Someone who is in a relationship but also scouting on dating sites is half open to seeing what else is on the market. He may never act on it but he's looking - and if someone came along who tickled his fancy he would act on it.

Getit Fri 01-Jul-16 06:58:01

I'm sorry but I would be telling him to jog on.
His words count for nothing, perhaps even exaggeration to cover his deceit.
As painful as it is , you must call him out on this.

Bottomchops Fri 01-Jul-16 07:00:06

The way he has been so full on makes me uncomfortable. He's sweeping you along with the romance and grand gestures. It's a creation of his and maybe not real? We're always told to look at actions and not words and his actions are that he's on a dating website all the bloody time. How about you start keeping one foot on dry land and start focusing on doing things with female friends? Don't give everything to him. Is he playing you? Loves the initial excitement? Hates being alone? I would not go on Saturday and start building my own social life up and not be so available. Protect yourself. I wouldn't be happy with this situation. Sorry.

Getit Fri 01-Jul-16 07:02:23

Well said Bottomchops

Ineedmorelemonpledge Fri 01-Jul-16 07:05:19

Just a thought if he is insecure, is he going on there to check if you are still online? Then you are online checking him and round and round it's going?

The friend you gave permission to, was it like a kind of honey trap you were setting? To see if he would take the bait?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 01-Jul-16 07:08:43

What bottomchops wrote.

This man has many of the hallmarks of "the Loser"; its far too much and full on. There are so many red flags around this man. He is playing you OP and seeing how much you will tolerate in terms of boundaries, these actions of his are all based on a need to have power and control over you.

He has been deceitful; that says far more about him than it ever would about you. You need to be rid of him now.

Dontanalyseit Fri 01-Jul-16 07:11:58

That's not on after 10 months. Is his photo on there? Could you say a friend saw him and you wondered if he was still online?

I met someone for six weeks and we sat down together at his instigation to remove our profiles. Neither of us were interested in being on a dating website at that stage.

I agree about protecting yourself as what he is saying and doing are two different things.

TheNaze73 Fri 01-Jul-16 07:13:46

Only 10 months in & he's doing & saying all that? I would have serious concerns. It's way too much too
soon. I would feel suffocated & would have to get out of it

forumdonkey Fri 01-Jul-16 07:17:19

Agreed and well said Bottomchops. Words are empty, he can promise you the world, but the fact is, he's online dating. I have been where you are and finished the relationship. If he's willing to risk losing you through boredom then you aren't as important as his words are telling you. I've recently had an ex contact me, telling me how he feels, until he 'shows' me, they're empty words and if I am to him what he says I am, then nothing will stop him.

It's time to walk away. You are already hurt by his actions so finish it and see by his actions if you are important enough to fight for. If you are not, you have saved yourself years of heartache, disappointment and suspicion.

HappenstanceMarmite Fri 01-Jul-16 07:23:25

Trust your instincts on this one.

poxworrier Fri 01-Jul-16 07:32:15

It's that old 'he's just not that into you' I'm afraid. If you are mad about someone (as you are when it's right imo) then you don't still check out others online! I don't think he's just checking if you are on there still as he spends an hour on there! Ask him about it!

ElspethFlashman Fri 01-Jul-16 07:44:08

Massive red flags here. He's one who is excited by the romance. By seeing stars in your eyes.

He has showered you with gifts including a car???? WHY for heavens sake?

You've been away 5 times in 10 months?? WHY??

He refers to his house/car as "our" house/car.WHY???!

This is madness. Everything about him is like a magician flourishing paper bouquets.

And the proof is that everything is jokey - that's the bit you actually believe. It's all a bit of fun. It's all superficial.

He said you were a breath of fresh air to him unlike cynical people = previous women online who started to believe him and pressure him for more commitment, and scales started to fall from their eyes and yes they got cynical about him. They realised they'd been had.

After 10 months and last weekend in France, he starts to get twitchy. So he starts looking to see who might be his next 10 month romantic adventure. I believe him when he said he was a bit bored. It's with being in a relationship unfortunately.

ElspethFlashman Fri 01-Jul-16 07:57:52

I think you shouldn't go this weekend.

Firstly you've spent every weekend with him since last August?? Sp basically since the beginning? Seriously - why? Waaaaay too much. You're not an old married couple!

Ditto the constant texts. Not neccessary AT ALL.

You do need to develop a life beyond him. He's too much of a risky bet. Get some breathing space.

Oh and should you confront him a) he'll joke it away and b) leave you feeling like one of the dreaded "cynical" ones. hmm

I'd just text and say "Hi, I've loads of stuff to do this weekend so am planning to just stay at mine and get over the holiday." Or similar. Just get some space!

Bottomchops Sat 02-Jul-16 08:32:55

Op, are you ok?

FreeFromHarm Sat 02-Jul-16 10:43:20

Bottom, you beat me to it, hope OP is ok

Montane50 Sat 02-Jul-16 21:33:50

Mentioning marriage, buying a car for you and calling his house 'ours'? Get the hell out of there! Im all for commitment but bloody hell! Then to start sniffing around on pof? Go and quickly!

Lookatyourwatchnow Sat 02-Jul-16 22:17:54

Nope. Have you told him to jog on yet, OP? You really should, you know.

SandyY2K Sat 02-Jul-16 22:56:25

Sounds rather odd considering he treats you so well. Perhaps he's just being curious.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now