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Separation and Divorce

(10 Posts)
kenuxude Fri 01-Jul-16 02:24:51

Hello all, I write this post in the hope to search for answers. From the female perspective. I saw a similar sort of post I stumbled across and thought I would try.

Bascially, I am a 36 year old male, I have been married 16 years and together with my partner 17 years. I was married at 19 not long before I turned 20. My wife is 8 years older than me, so was 27 at the time we married.

No marriage is perfect and I was accepting of this, but I never suspected after 16 years of marriage it would come to all of this.

Bascially my wife started spending time with a male co-worker and exactly one month later she is leaving me. I suspected something was up shortly after she was seeing this male co-worker but she assured me nothing was wrong. Even when all the alarm bells were ringing, she assured me he was just a friend, there was no marriage problems and there was no one else. It all became too much so I decided to look on her phone, and sure enough was all the text messages of her telling him everything including she is leaving me for him. THat was the same very day I tried to open a conversation and she assured me I was just reading too much into things.

I confronted her and she admitted it. and basically he said they kissed 2 weeks ago, they have such a bond, there was no sex and she didn't want it until we "officially separated" and she was planning to tell me at some stage. I just couldn't believe in the space of 2 weeks she went from talking to this person, to a kiss, to full on leaving me and destroying a long term marriage, she assured me it was exactly that and again answered my question there was no sex. I crumbled into a heap and cried, she felt for me and asked if I would see marriage counselling to see if we can make things work. I said of course, I didn't even know there was a problem, and to this day she cant even tell me what the problems are.

I pushed for answers and she did end up giving me reasons on why she was unhappy, and they were all from long long ago and quite pathetic when I think of them. For example, she told me one time about 12 years ago she put on some lingerie and wanted sex, I apparently said I wasn't in the mood or interested at the time and she qualified this as a reason it was a marriage breaker by saying, "what male wouldn't want to have sex with their wife in sexy lingerie" and proceeded to tell me it made her feel like she was nothing and not important... I was in total shock and all her reasonings were like this, even when I replied so all the times over the years when you declined my sexual interests that meant it was ok and I shouldn't have those feelings in return?

Then came the rollercoaster, she wanted to make things work, then pushed me away, the whole time I said she couldn't have contact with the person she had the affair with, she kept contacting him, going to his place. I ended up giving her 5 chances and threatening to leave before she finally got it. And now we are 4 weeks past that, if I turned off my feelings and emotions things seem good, but I am so deeply hurt and I have no trust left. She wants time to work on the trust and I promised to give her the time, but whatever she says and does I just cant trust her. IU don't believe I was told the truth about the affair, as in how far it went etc, even when I showed her text messages that saif things specifically shes always got a story on how it was just hypothetical talk.

Shes now over the other guy and wants things to work for me, and this week I am mentally collapsing from the betrayel and she is 'worried' about me and what I am going through. I asked her what is it she thought I was going through and she says stress and anxiety, I asked her what she thought was causing it and her reply is 'everything that's going on'. Well DUH, anyone can answer that, but I don't think she really understands the lying and cheating is the issue, she seems to think that's in the past now and I should just be over it.

Ive reached the point I had to see a psychologist and doctor and I have been placed on medication, which has made me stable, only just started this in the last few days, and now the despair, confusioin and hurt is being replaced with frustration and anger and I am at the point I am ready to walk out.

We are going on a holiday in about 2 weeks, been booked for a while, we were also moving interstate in the next couple of months, also been in the planning for a while, which is why this makes it so hard to accept, I even asked her, we had all these plans??? why did you do this NOW!!?!? I can only think she was after a fling with a person she had a long time infatuation with and was hoping she could keep me in the dark. but she assures me she was ready to leave me.

I want to keep my mind in check to at least go on the holiday and then make a decision when I get back, but I am having trouble thinking I cam remain calm until then. Quite frankly ive reached the point if I walk out soon and it hurts her I don't care, I am not seeking a revenge, I have just given up all hope. I look at my wife and I see a dishonest lying terrible human being.

We have no kids, but a house, cars etc together and getting those issues fixed is another problem. I don't know how in her mind she expected to leave me and support herself. I have always been the person that has provided for us, carried her through everything financially. If she was to be on her own I know she would struggle. I asked her if she thought about this when she was having the affair, she said she was happy to be poor if it meant she would be happy. I said ok then, why didn't you tell me you wanted to leave me instead of having an affair and lying to me about it, it seems you wanted to have your fun while I still paid for everything, you wanted the comfort of a nice home, money in the bank, nice cars, getting your hair and nails done every 2 weeks to the cost of $300 and it was all for SOME OTHER GUY ??

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I just want to die so I don't have to face this trash heap they called life.

gemsangels123 Fri 01-Jul-16 15:33:53

Oh my gosh... I just wanted to post to say you're not alone. I can't begin to understand how you must be feeling. All I know is iv been hurt and let down in the past and when it's someone who you believed to have loved you its truly heartbreaking. I know it feels like there is no light at the moment but trust me it won't always feel like this.
This site has helped me so so much in my desperate times of need. I'm sure you will gain some amazing advice and support shortly.

blindsider Fri 01-Jul-16 17:01:21

I have been there, it is a totally shit time. But you will come out the other side better for it. Just get rid of her ASAP.

kenuxude Fri 01-Jul-16 18:31:37

Well. things came to a head tonight. I discussed my unhappiness and I made it clear that I needed truth to be able to move past things. I said I needed truth if she had any hope of saving our marriage as I am walking out and I made that clear.

She came clean and admitted there was a sexual relationship, but she thought she could just keep it secret and in time I would get over things and things "could just go back to the way they were". She cried saying she was ashamed.

I told her I had engaged my lawyer on property and asset settlement and I intend to ensure I get to keep as much as the law will allow me, she was not going to walk away with a life style at my expense. She went into a rage and stormed off.

Things are calm now (thanks to me yet again) and we are both at home. She seems to think that when she admitted to a sexual relationship that sex was "only once, only lasted 5 minutes and we didn't even get to finish", oh and it "wasn't as good as I was expecting". So somehow in her mind that meant it was somehow OK.

But I know for sure what the future brings. I am going to go on this holiday with her, I will look at her and treat her as no more than a friend at best. When we get back, my lawyer is drafting the consent orders for the courts to rule on property and asset settlement and I am asking her.. no I am telling her, she is taking a lump sum of cash and leaving.

This whole thing is making me physically sick.

FreeFromHarm Fri 01-Jul-16 20:41:42

Do not listen to the excuses/ explanations, sorry for your pain, I would divorce her, it is making you ill, take care

Janettehelenkelly Fri 01-Jul-16 23:10:07

Do you love your wife? Does your wife love you?
If so marriage counselling would be a good idea ,you both need to know for definite if your marriage is over, if you and your wife cannot talk to each other then write down every thing that's going through your head and how you feel, then both sit down in the same room and read what each other has written. hope for the best for you both.

kenuxude Sat 02-Jul-16 05:51:35

no its not that simple janette.

I love my wife. I don't love her lies, cheating and telling a large circle of friends that I did something that was to blame for her wanting out of our marriage, when in fact by her own admission I did nothing, she just said this to cover up why our marriage was falling apart.

When she tells me she loves me back, I don't know if shes telling the truth.

We went to marriage counselling once. She told the marriage counsellor I was a sexually violent alcoholic. The counsellor called the police, she then admitted to the police it was yet again. another LIE.

We sat in a psychologists office this very morning to try make sense of everything as it stood when I typed my last post. The psychologist asked why she did it, she didn't know, they then asked her why she didn't speak with me and told as many lies as she did, she couldn't answer. She ended up listing reasons from long as I have stated up above.

The psychologist said to her while I was present. "Don't you find it amazing that your husband is prepared to look past all of this and give you another chance, all you have to do is accept it." Her reply, "he deserves better".

That was the first time in 3 months did I hear anything out of her mouth that resembled she actually have a crap about me.

All options in my opinion have been exhausted. Its basically am I prepared to accept a person that did so many wrongs and try to think that perhaps the truths as they are now, are INDEED the truth and I will continue to get the truth.

I love her dearly, but as it stands, she has hurt me so bad I look at her all her actions cancels out the love. But the love is still there, this is why its not that simple. And I know deep down she needs support more than ever, she is clearly going through a severe mental issue, the psychologist identified that today and told her she needs further help, as of today we are getting this for her, yet again at my expense. I'm not complaining about the money but it seems its always my burden to make things right when at no point in time did anyone do the right thing by me.

After our holiday and after she is in a better mental state, I am going to claw back as much of our assets I can legally and she is going to move on. She will have no choice and I will have to tear my heart out to push her away and tell her I don't ever want to see her again. And I know I have to do this as the pain will never go away.

Kirk123 Sat 02-Jul-16 07:35:08

Oh Ken I have true empathy for you , your story is similar to mine I am still struggling 14 months on after divorcing him at 11 months , the assests are easy to sort its your heart that has been shattered that's not 😢 , she has broken you and read runaway husbands as women runaway too and then lie and become narcissists and make you feel like you are going mad ! Move on slowly Ken , you do deserve a trusting relationships but my goodness it's hard work but honestly it will become easier . Just breathe reflect and look after you. A big virtual hug for you ken ❤️

Janettehelenkelly Sat 02-Jul-16 16:17:41

i left my husband after 27 years, so much more happier and have so much more confidence in my self.and have met the love of my life, move on ken and put your self first. All the best for your future.x

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 08:18:05

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