Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Well I'm fucked now!

(15 Posts)
RyVeeta Thu 30-Jun-16 23:46:03

Called police tonight. Dh threatening me with a stick and threatening suicide. His behaviour since the last arrest has been grim on and off. Took courage to do it. Here I am in the bedroom and he is downstairs. A domestic incident and we need time to cool off!
I couldn't leave because Dd has a disability and they would neither arrest him nor make him leave in the light of his mental health problems. I'm fucked now. I can't stop crying and I'm scared and I hate the police. They even told me I wasn't to go and wind him up!

sglodion Thu 30-Jun-16 23:47:15

Wow. I don't know the back story but I'm stunned and appalled by the attitude of the police towards you. I hope you are safe.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 30-Jun-16 23:48:45

I will never understand this mentality of the police when this happens, when you are scared and want to feel safe in your own home and they LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH THE PROBLEM!
I hope you are ok. When this happened to me I refused to et them leave with him still in the home. I was so upset and eventually they did try to find him a relatives house to go to.
Is he getting support? Can you call his team tomorrow?

RyVeeta Thu 30-Jun-16 23:51:43

He has been emotionally abusive for years, there is a back story and there have been times when I have been stupid, like letting him back after the last arrest. They were really good last time. My own fault.

LauderSyme Fri 01-Jul-16 00:48:08

So sorry OP, this is horrible for you flowers
It is possible, like you say, that the police have taken it less seriously this time because you took him back last time.
That does not make it all your fault. You can only do what you have the resources for at the time.
Some police are just sexist fuckwits.
My ds's father abused me verbally and emotionally, including the worst kind of threats which I believed and which scared me shitless, throughout my pregnancy and until my son was 8 months old. Then, after he threatened to burn our house down with me and our baby inside, I had finally had enough and screwed up my courage to call the police. They gave him a "friendly warning" to stop. The very next day he did it all again so I called them again and they arrested and cautioned him. While he was in the cell an officer rang me to suggest that if I would just refrain from engaging in tit for tat arguments, and stop playing the martyr and pretending to be a victim, then I could save the (poor, put-upon, male) grown ups a lot of time and trouble. Like I said, sexist fuckwits.
Are you safe? If not what's your plan?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Fri 01-Jul-16 01:12:37

You have my sympathies op..... I've been there!

I was lucky and I had help. With MH issues the police lack resources. Awful situation for you

RyVeeta Fri 01-Jul-16 03:57:08

I don't have a plan I was so distressed earlier that I emailed the WA worker and said that I wouldn't bother attending the meetings anymore because the police won't help.mi don't much see the point in anything really. It's unlikely that he'll hit me. I will pay for this though, I'm still paying for the torture (I quote) that I put him through six weeks ago. Apparently, at that point the police bullied him into accepting the caution and the lawyer was complicit. I put him through that. They told me tonight there was nothing they could arrest him for, he hadn't done anything and when I said he was threatening me they just said but he didn't do anything. I have lists of stuff he does, including waking me up between two and four every night to berate me about his arrest or to talk to my subconscious (no, not a joke) but no, took no notice of me. I can't stop crying and the thought of waiting until Dd goes to uni is making me throw up, quite literally.

GarlicStake Fri 01-Jul-16 04:34:51

Oh, blimey, Ry, I'm so sorry.

I hope you will keep talking to WA. It's not good for you or DD to be living like this, obviously. I'm wondering whether it might be better all round to do a bunk, with their help. Opportunities do come up, and it's probably important not to feel so fixed in the present situation that you can't take them - iyswim?

I'm disgusted by the police response. Was this their DV team? They're supposed to be all clued up now!

Wish I could properly help.

Creampastry Fri 01-Jul-16 07:13:04

The police can't arrest him for being a twat, and they can't take him away for mental health issues. Can't you get an occupation order?

RyVeeta Fri 01-Jul-16 08:00:10

What is that?
Last time he was arrested it was for coercive and controlling behaviour. WA assured me this would be the case again.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 01-Jul-16 08:07:57

Unfortunately the police do seem to get less helpful every time you let him back.

Could you leave today? You're at the end of the road here. There's no point waiting until DD is at uni, this is affecting her now. At this rate you'll be lucky to all make it that long.

RyVeeta Fri 01-Jul-16 10:45:12

Police have confirmed that it's because we 'willingly' had him back last time. It wasn't willingly, we felt we didn't have a choice.
WA are looking at occupation order and talking to his mental health team about respite care.

SandyY2K Fri 01-Jul-16 15:11:13

You need to break the cycle or the police can't help you. You keep going back into the situation and I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but they have a lot of other serious things to be doing.

You had a choice and you took him back.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 01-Jul-16 15:17:06

I remember the last time

Yes, it was a mistake to take him back in, but use that experience to make sure you don't make the same mistake again. It is impossible to have him live with you, absolutely impossible - whatever WA can offer you, take it

kittykat8545 Fri 01-Jul-16 15:22:07

Dear Ry, I hope you are safe. You seem a really nice woman and your DH sounds like a complete bastard. Leave him, or make him leave you, or call some mental hospital and let him there to heal and stuff. You must be going through a lot of pressure, which can get you just like your DH. It's best for all of you to be separated. flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now