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Am i deluding myself

(31 Posts)
Greydays Thu 30-Jun-16 15:56:54

Hi guys, any advice is welcome :-D

Ive been in a relationship for 11 years, engaged for 7, he is my best friend, talk about everything have 1 ds together and i have dd from pr
The problem is im sooo confused, the area being our sex life, he is a good provider and after the first 6 months of having ds started being a good dad after pretty much leaving everything to me, i was on the verge of splitting with him :-o
The sex part gets me down so much, it used to be great, but for the last 8/9 years i feel its so one sided, he stopped kissing me besides the odd peck, stopped foreplay, it was just pretty much bj then sex, every time or felt like every time i tried it on he knocked me back but then id discover hed been masturbating to porn which when confronted apologised said he doesnt do it etc, but i found out a few times by various ways( porn on phone, cum covered tissues) which just made it a sort of obsession for me to find out if hed been doing it, i sound awful i know, but my self confidence hit rock bottom, still is tbf, kond of how can i ever measure up to the women in the pornos, im overweight through comfort eating and pretty much feel crap,
Anyway i came to terms with the masturbation after advice on here and decided not to let it get in the way of our relationship cos he is decent in any other way. I love him,
So anyway ive not mentioned masturbation to him in weeks, really trying to supress all feelings of horribleness bout it, his bosy do what you like, told him id never bring it up again, then last night, i asked him why he never kissed me (snog) any more, its been years, when ive asked previously he just says he doesnt want to, if he was to give me a reason id accept it no problem, but no! And he said to me that this must be my new thing to dwell on after masturbation things stopped, im so hurt and upset tbh, should i be or am i overreacting? I just think that whatever i do im wrong, i have to accept my sex life consists of bjs and penetration, very small amount of foreplay and thats my life forever no proper intimacy and this makes me sad, but now im at the point of if i speak to him yet again about the whole thing he will kiss me to apease me and i dont want hom to iyswim, really sorry for the long rambling post guys, any advice is appreciated, but if the rest of yhe relationship is great surely this shouldnt be a major deal, maybe im just being oversensitive, because i do believe he loves me, hes there no matter what through thick and thin,

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 16:09:21

Can you not explain to him that a BJ and penetration is not what you want? Foreplay is very important especially for a woman, why do you think he has stopped this?

Can't you instigate foreplay and kissing yourself?

Sex should never be one sided.

Greydays Thu 30-Jun-16 16:23:49

I have spoken to him about this several times :-/ i think he just cant be bothered tbh, he gets his pleasure and thats what matters, ive tried initiating things so many times and got knocked back so many time ive given up trying its pretty much all on his terms, which just makes me feel used

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 16:26:20

Well that's not right OP and I'd not be having any sex with him until he actually considered my pleasure too, what a turn off and not fair, he should want to please you just as much as himself.

Do you think it's to do with the porn?

techmonkey Thu 30-Jun-16 16:44:17

Hmmm crappy situation...
I have been in a similar-ish one in the past... But for me talking about it was a simple fix, we agree on a plan we could stick to, and it has worked for years.
However for you talking hasn't worked, which is sad, he should have been more understanding of your feelings and desires!
So the way I see it you have a few options. (no particular order, just as I think of them)
1: Get a FWB. Either tell your other half or keep it secret, I am not recommending secrecy here, but you know.if your relationship could be open-ish or not, so you are the best judge there.
2: Do things for you. Take.up yoga, or a sport, go to the gym or a martial arts class. You will start to feel better generally, you will lose weight too, and eat healthy comfort foods, not high calorie ones. You might find he changes for the better if you do, and if not at least you will be fitter healthier and happier!
3:take control in the bedroom... No.more blowjobs (as a man it sort of pains me to recommend this, but he deserves it 😉) until he gets done, as it were.
4: Try porn and masturbation yourself? (this is something you can do alongside the other ideas) don't worry about how gorgeous they are, that's their full time job and they spend hours a day working out. There is lots of female out there, and there are lots of amateur people of all shapes and sizes too. If you find some you like maybe ask him if he wants to watch it with you... Then see what happens! Maybe he needs something new like that?

Hope.some.of that helps, sorry if I knew you and him.i would have more idea of what might work... But if he wont talk I think the order maybe should be: 3 and 4 followed by 2 and if he still wont satisfy you then go for 1!
Good luck, hope it goes well for you!

Greydays Thu 30-Jun-16 16:46:06

I really dont know, im really trying to dis associate the porn/ wanking with sex, trying to think of it as a meaningless release kinda thing, but it could be because of the porn, dont suppose there is much intimacy in it, :-/

Greydays Thu 30-Jun-16 16:55:39

Techmonkey whats a fwb? I have suggested watching porn together, im really not prudish and open to pretty much anything grin i agree doing something to boost my confidence would be great, but rarely get free time as he works long hours with changeable finish times, but ive started walking and thinking what direction my life should be going in and oncr ds starts nursery i can become me again shock maybe he will change and want me again, maybe i wont want him after all the rejection, but i agree also with the no bjs totally, see how he likes that hey, wink

Costacoffeeplease Thu 30-Jun-16 16:56:36

If there's nothing in it for you, don't go along with it - why would you? Sex is a two way thing, you're not just there as a receptacle for his golden cock!

AyeAmarok Thu 30-Jun-16 16:59:27

I'd not bother with the BJs anymore TBH.

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 17:01:17

He's pretty much replaced you with porn but yet still expects you to service him - sorry OP, it's about time you expected a bit more from a partner cos it sounds crap, for you.

I'd tell him no sex until he can actually treat you with some respect and consideration.

2yummymummy2 Thu 30-Jun-16 17:07:41

I think every guy uses porn so I don't think that's the issue
You just need to talk to him and tell him what you need. By going along with what he wants he will think that you don't mind it so speak up for yourself

What about going for a nice dinner and drinks and telling him then that you'd like things to change? Give him a list or text him it then he can't forget lol.

My oh and I don't kiss like we used to, it would nice if the honeymoon phase lasted but it doesn't

TheNaze73 Thu 30-Jun-16 17:10:24

I think you need to talk. Neither of you sound happy or fulfilled

Cabrinha Thu 30-Jun-16 17:10:53

Jesus techmonkey your first bit of advice to deal with a sexually selfish partner is to cheat on them?!!
In case the OP is as daft as you: OP, that's bad advice.

OP, I think you need to have a cold hard think about what a "best friend" is to you. He's your best friend? Yet when you bring up a lack of kissing (which is a totally normal thing for most happy couples) he just puts you down for obsessing? If a best friend wig wasn't your partner treated you so contemptuous it, you'd not bother staying friends.

He's selfish and he won't listen to you. Are you sure you only have one issue or your relationship? I bet there's more, sadly.

I suggest you tell him that the lack of intimacy and sex as a shared event is a dealbreaker for you (and mean it) and suggest counselling. He does not get to cut you off by rolling his eyes and putting you down that it's your new thing to complain about. He sounds like an arsehole.
(you still shouldn't cheat on him though)

Dozer Thu 30-Jun-16 17:11:09

If frequent (or indeed any) porn use is a deal breaker for you, that's fine.

If his selfishness and poor skills in bed are a deal breaker for you, that's fine.

If lack of affection is a deal breaker for you, that's fine.

All of the above would be enough for many of us to LTB.

He doesn't sound great at all.

techmonkey Thu 30-Jun-16 17:11:37

Hey good on you for thinking ahead too! That's positive, and positive thinking is always best!
A fwb is a "friend with benefits", some.people have open and monogamish relationships, and if yours cant be open cos of him, then you can always have a secret lover, or leave him and find someone who satisfies you.
But I get the feeling you like him, and want to be with him, just want not be a selfish lover. So I don't recommend giving up, and this is why i think if you treat yourself to some good living, yoga or the gym etc, then your positive change might help him change... Plus some women get excited by the attention when they exercise, and that might stimulate him to, well sorry I have to, stimulate you!😉

On the porn front, have you tried letting him find you watching it?
If suggesting watching porn together doesn't excite him I think that will... But you know him so its up to you!
And whatever you do be clear what you want him to do for you, or you will not do anything for him!

techmonkey Thu 30-Jun-16 17:13:57

Hey cabrina if you read my post you will see I presented a real list of options, not suggested she cheat, just acknowledged the reality of what's possible. I did suggest some other things I think will be more useful though, shame you just went all emotional at me.... Ho hum...

Cabrinha Thu 30-Jun-16 17:15:06

2yummymummy2 of course it's natural for the shagging like bunnies phase to slow down.

But my sister has been with her partner for 20 years and still snogs him. As does my cousin who has been married 15 years. My widower fiancé snogged his wife good morning every day for 20 years (well, maybe 18 as they didn't live together til then)

It's nonsense to say that people in long term relationships don't kiss! Of course they do. Some might do so a lot less over time, but this man hasn't kissed her for YEARS. That's not normal and it's not right.

Dozer Thu 30-Jun-16 17:15:56

Bloody hell techmonkey, so OP should basically do more to please her man?!

Cabrinha Thu 30-Jun-16 17:17:12

techmonkey you did suggest cheating as an option - and it was the rational logical side of me that read what you wrote, not the emotional side of me.

Thanks for the mansplaining that I was just going all emotional though - you're funny grin

Greydays Thu 30-Jun-16 17:21:58

I couldnt cheat on him, altho i can understand why people do cheat, being in this kinda situation, a good talk is in order i think, its always nice to get peoples perspective on things, thankyou.
Im thinking total ban on sex tbh, not that im feeling much like it at the mo anyway, see what he has to say x

2yummymummy2 Thu 30-Jun-16 17:28:57


I doubt what you are saying very much given the fact that old people don't snog.

Maybe a quick peck on the lips but the older generation just don't do it and certainly wouldn't in public

Sounds made up to me

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 17:30:43

You don't have to be `cool` with porn in your home and not every man uses it, at least not regularly - I just find it worrying that he thinks sex is about him taking something from you.

techmonkey Thu 30-Jun-16 17:33:15

Talking is best, and my suggestions for the OP to feel better were for the OP to feel better.. And if that helps the relationship then great! If not she will feel better at least! I did not say "do things just to please your man". I noted the bit the OP said about comfort eating etc, and tried to offer a positive way out...
I note that on this site a lot of people are very negative, and I want to counter that a little...
And cabrina what is mansplaining about saying what I wrote? I did put that these options I saw were in no particular order, and in the later portion suggested that cheating was a last resort... And I had pointed out that talking honestly was the best option... You were pretty reactive, but I misread "fucksake" as an emotional response, when clearly, upon reflection, its a calm and rational one...
I still think the OP is best to talk honestly and calmly with her partner, and then take it from there...
Good luck Greydays, I hope this has been helpful! Hope the talking works!😊

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 17:35:40

Get a FWB. Either tell your other half or keep it secret,


techmonkey Thu 30-Jun-16 17:43:57

Ok so I guess in future I will have to be clear that those are OPTIONS... Not SUGGESTIONS... Ho hum...

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