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Can we still live in the same house but separated?

(22 Posts)
eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 13:17:12

Recently I've been in turmoil over the hard decision I have to make and this is splitting with my OH of 4 and a half years.

I've not reached this decision lightly as we have a 2 yo DD to think about, but the feelings I have have been brewing for years despite numerous "talks" had with my OH. Even though this hasn't been said out loud by ourselves, I think that we both are "out of love" with each other and have lost any kind of interest in the others life. We rarely talk anymore unless it's about money or our ongoing list of "house projects" and when we don't share the same opinion, I am verbally beaten down until I come around to his way of thinking, which I do purely for the sake of an easy life. But I'm miserable and in turn, I don't want our DD to see her parents unhappy so I believe if we split, it would make both me and her Dad a lot happier.

Having said all of that, we bought a new build house late last year and have spent thousands of £'s furnishing and altering it. We are legally tied to this house for 3 years unless we pay hefty fees to sell and I also have nowhere else to go now that I am financially dependent on my partner. My family live close by but don't have the room to accommodate me and my DD. Also, I don't want to pull her away from her nursery. I have heard of separated couples living under the same roof but "not together" and I was wondering if anyone else has had this experience and does it work?

The benefits that I can see are we both get to parent our DD without her being dragged from pillar to post, she can remain at her nursery and we all have a house to live in. But can it work? Can we live separate lives but in the same house?

I would be very grateful for any advice anyone has for me. Even though our relationship is coming to an end, I feel like my OH and I have been in a "friends" state for a few years anyway.

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 13:20:04

Bad, bad idea, so pretend you are a couple when you are not?

Sorry but I'd never say this is a good solution, just separate amicably an co parent, solved.

I don't get how you can't sell your property, you should be able to sell when ever you want.

eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 13:24:09

adora1 The legal covenant drawn up with the developers states we can't make alterations or sell for the first three years unless we pay fees. And unfortunately, there is nowhere else for me and my DD to go as I work full time in the City and all my wages goes on her childcare so no, not solved.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 30-Jun-16 13:24:26

I did this for about 10 months and to be perfectly honest OP it was the worst 10 months of my life. I was also subjected to being verbally beaten down and it intensified in that time. He did fuck all parenting. Also I was financially dependant on him, but because we were separated he withdrew all support (not that it was much because he was financially controlling and abusive) and I couldn't claim any benefits because I was living in a house I owned with my husband.

I would aim to move out asap.

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 13:26:17

Could your soon to be ex not go stay in a room somewhere until you can sell, or rent a studio flat?

Chloe94 Thu 30-Jun-16 13:26:29

I don't think this is a good idea, it won't be very nice for your lo and also will make it alot harder for you both to move on and also be separated when you still have to do his washing and cook his diner... also when you have an argument or he does something to upset you how are you going to handle the situation? What happens of he happens to find a new partner in the next few months (I'm not saying purposely but it could just happen) you will feel very awkward.... I think he needs to move out or you sell and cut your losses, sorry to be so negative but I can't see any good side to this situation unless you stay together (which isn't what you want)

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 13:26:55

That way you could also start claiming benefits as a single parent living alone.

eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 13:27:51

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thanks for sharing your experience. That sounds awful. This is why I'm conflicted because I am in a similar scenario, where I'm pretty much financially dependent on OH after the childcare fees. I don't drive either so I can't just pack up and go anywhere. Got to give this a lot of thought before I "push the button"

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 30-Jun-16 13:30:32

Tbh OP if you work full time your OH should be paying 50% childcare fees.

eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 13:31:17

Chloe94 and adora1 thanks for your comments. He pays the mortgage and so would refuse to move out. In fact, even if he didn't pay the mortgage, he still wouldn't move out. But I wouldn't be doing his washing, cooking etc I know it was a long short to think positive about this kind of scenario and it wouldn't be on a permanent basis either, but I know you're all probably right.

eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 13:33:15

MilkTwoSugarsThanks He pays the full mortgage, plus everything else. I only pay for the CC fees. If he paid 50% of the CC fees, I would have to give him whatever was left to contribute towards the house, insurance, food shop etc. Although, if I were to move out, then he would probably have to contribute to the fees...that's an interesting thought...

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Jun-16 13:36:04

The finances don't sound right or even!
You need to have a conversation about that.
You should not be dependent whilst working full time.
You should both have equal pocket money after all the bills are paid and that included the childcare bill.

Anyhooooo.... I've been there and got the t-shirt.
It was pure hell on earth but a lot of people can make it work.
I went to the gym..... a lot!
I had to endure it for 6 months and I hated it and hated him too.
It's hard going.
But there are ways to make it work if you lay down proper ground rules.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 30-Jun-16 13:38:08

You'd get CB, CTC and WTC too probably. Make sure you get 50% childcare fees in your divorce settlement.

torontonian Thu 30-Jun-16 13:46:55

As previous postera have said... it was HELL!!! It wasn't my choice but you can't move out until you decide about viaitation for the kids (or you risk losing rights). If there is a formal separation, he needa to pay child and maybe spousal support so don't think of the finances as they are right now.
So try to get to an agreement regsrding DD and finances.

If tou can afford a buyout do it. If not, see if you can find a rental and he assumes the mortgage. Usually the person moving out doesnt pay 50% of mortgage as he/she needs to pay rent as well. Check the term "occupation rent".
(Disclaimer: I live in Canada so thia moght be slightly different in the UK)

autumnleaves123 Thu 30-Jun-16 13:56:11

You shouldn't be financially dependent if you are working full time and earning a good salary. It's probably too late for me to say this but it is healthier for couples to put all or a substantial amount of their incomes in a common account, so everything that goes out from there is shared by both, whether it is childcare, mortgage or bills.

The fact that he pays the mortgage and bills from his account makes him in control of the house situation, which is not fair on you.

Is the house under your name too? You really need to sort that our and explain that you are contributing to the mortgage too so you have a say in the that too.

If you cannot sell the house for three years, I would first tidy up the finances. Cannot you give him a trial period of three years during which you try to work as a team even though the love is gone? Then you can split up if things haven't worked but at least you'd given him a chance and your child a chance to have stability at this crucial time of her life.

Helpmeltb Thu 30-Jun-16 14:29:26

I'm in a similar situation. Bought new build last year, now splitting up, massive fees to pay off mortgage during fixed rate. Living together started off ok but has now deteriorated and the only nice time is the 3 evenings he spends at his girlfriend's and I go out 2 of the other evenings. I've gone down the solicitor route - only way to really get everything sorted.

Might be worth having a free initial session with a solicitor to see if you have other options.

eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 14:29:33

Thanks all for your advice and comments. With regards to all of the above:

1) We are not married and our DD has his surname. Will this affect any financial support etc?
2) The mortgage is also in my name. We share the deeds of the house.
3) He actually set up a joint account for us when we moved to all our outgoings went from one pot but this is never used and as it stands, still have separate accounts but we share a credit card which is maxed out.
4) He's always exercising and doesn't really see DD during the week as it is. Gets home just before bedtime. At the weekends, we'll take her out for a few hours and then it's all "sport sport sport" for him in the afternoon sad
5) My sister wants to move out of our parents house and has said she would be happy to live with me and DD, but again I don't know how that would work with finances.

eighteentwentythree Thu 30-Jun-16 14:31:36

Helpmeltb Sorry to hear that hun. That doesn't sound good at all. Do you have DC? Is it hard that he has a new partner? Sorry for the questions.

spookyelectric Thu 30-Jun-16 17:43:16

I think you need to get some good financial and legal advice so you know where you stand and what your rights/liabilities are (especially as you are not married). I know it probably seemed a good idea for you to use your salary for childcare and for your OH to pay for the house but it would be better if he paid something towards cc and you paid towards the house (or used your joint account for all outgoings) ATM it could look as if you have not contributed to the cost of the house or running the household.

You could go on the turn2us benefit calculator to see what you might be entitled to if you split (it may be complicated if your OH would have to pay CS)

Would you actually like to live with your sister? Would she reliably pay rent?

Do you think your OH would be really shocked at you wanting to split?
Would he be willing to have a family budget?
Would you be prepared to do relationship counselling to see if things could be patched up if he was also willing? Or are things
over ? you can also see counsellors about how to make that easier.

If your OH has browbeat you into making decor choices that suit him, he may see the house as "his" and be difficult about you keeping it and moving your sister in. He may want it and dig his heels in - it may have to be sold (or rented out?) despite the costs to free you both.

Pearlman Thu 30-Jun-16 17:49:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoundingTheStreets Thu 30-Jun-16 17:53:45

It only works if a split is mutually desired, both parties are respectful towards each other and there is no underlying resentment/issues. Even then it is difficult. But I don't think you're in that situation.

You work in the City and you have a child. If you can juggle that, it is clearly not beyond you to find a solution to this. I'd accept that one of you needs to move out and find ways to make it affordable for the other to stay. Or even accept the financial penalties - you can't put a price on the damage caused to your mental health if you stay.

Just off the top of my head, one solution would be you stay and move in an au-pair - much more affordable childcare for you which frees up some extra to be spent on the mortgage. Or get a lodger who contributes towards the mortgage if you want to keep DD in nursery. Or you could both leave and let the property until the penalty period has passed.

Good luck.

Terrifiedandregretful Thu 30-Jun-16 20:08:43

X and I lived together after splitting up and it worked really well, in fact it was the happiest we had ever been! . we are best friends though we just don't have a sexual relationship. If you don't get on I wouldn't do it.

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