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relationship with my mother

(9 Posts)
user1467286996 Thu 30-Jun-16 12:59:22

Hi I am Chris and I am 30 years old. I need some help . I am an only child raised by a single mother. I was always a lonely kid. My best friend was my mother. I got married a year ago to a very nice man. After that my mother gradually started to withdraw from me. I talked to her many time about his and her excuse is that she doesn't want to interfere with my family. But I need my mum in my life and I feel lost. Please help me.

springydaffs Thu 30-Jun-16 13:28:04

Wow that's painful! I'm so sorry flowers

Chriss1986 Thu 30-Jun-16 13:35:41

sad sad sad sad

pallasathena Thu 30-Jun-16 14:44:47

Your mum is doing what most of us do with our grown up children, backing off to give you the space and confidence to run your life the way you think is best.
Sometimes, I think we can't win as mums because whatever we do, a negative spin is usually applied to our motivation when in reality, its simply that we just want our kids to be happy, to succeed in life and to have strong, loving relationships with their significant others.
Another point to ponder is that while you are starting off on a new journey in life, so too is your mum. When my grown up kids left home, got married it was strangely liberating and strangely sad. I was no longer their 'next of kin', the new husband/wife was. I was no longer there to provide money, food, heating, lifts to various places and I had to redefine my role accordingly. I ended up tentatively striking out a bit more than I had with hobbies, new friendships, changed job, more expensive holidays and inevitably, this caused a bit of distance to develop between us.
These days, we see each other regularly but don't live in each others pockets. We keep some things private and share other stuff that's non confrontational because that's how its panned out.
I want to maintain a good relationship with my grown children but I don't want to be at their beck and call. I have my own life to live and they have theirs. It doesn't mean I don't love them or care for them I do, very much indeed.
I also want them to live their lives with passion and authenticity.Which means them being fully functioning adults, autonomous and responsible for the decisions they make in life.

Chriss1986 Thu 30-Jun-16 14:52:56

You may be right but this is a big change for me to deal with.

springydaffs Thu 30-Jun-16 17:11:49

My mum had a tough time when she was first married - she missed the family and found it hard to adjust. I worked with someone who experienced a similar struggle to adjust when she was first married.

You are no longer pink - why have you name changed?

springydaffs Thu 30-Jun-16 17:13:15

Ah, I have highlighted the op (original poster) in pink but there is a choice of colours. Makes the thread easier to read when you can see the op's posts at a glance.

Chriss1986 Thu 30-Jun-16 19:40:40

Hi springydaffs thank you for your reply. My husband and I have been living together for 5 years now. My mum started to change when we got married (December 2014) maybe sometime before that when we were still planning the wedding. She lives nearby ,in the same road ,and spent a lot of time with her sister who lives at the same building as I do. My aunt by the way hates me..

Atenco Fri 01-Jul-16 00:00:10

I totally agree with pallasathena, it is really not healthy for us mothers to get too involved in our grown children's lives. They need to work things out with their husbands and partners and we have to learn what it is to be able to come and go as we please.

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