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(20 Posts)
DrMiltonLewis Thu 30-Jun-16 10:41:33

I am at the end of my tether and really don't know what way to turn. My wife of 9 yrs has over that time totally demoralised me, shredded my confidence and drives wedges between my family and me. She convinced me to move over 100 miles away from my parents and my 2 children from a previous marriage. Yet her parents are just around the corner along with her Ex and his new wife !!! Now i don't work as she has made that so difficult regarding our life and i have now resorted to being the cleaner, cook, house keeper and child minder to her Child (13yrs) from her previous marriage while she has become the bread winner. I feel like i exist only to clear her and her child's mess up, I want out but my biggest problem is that all the money i made from my house sale before we married and moved in together has been ploughed into the house we live in now, she bought no financials to this relationship. As i understand it if i leave i leave with just the shirt on my back as i understand it, whether right or wrong, that i cannot make her sell our house until her child is a non dependent or leaves full time education.
Also of late she has started to hit me, the odd thump, which is a new thing, i have asked her not to do this but it continues along with the odd pinch !

She will put her self on me when we are in bed, i do ask her to have a bit of consideration as i normally have a long day and when you are not using your brain you become tired, but she will persist until i give in, sometimes she has spent over 2 hours, until the early hours coerce me into having sex, i know what being raped feels like, and for a big strapping man that i am i cry inside that my life has become what it has.

Although she works, its not a trying job for her, she is middle management so spends most of her time on the phone chatting shit, i hear this often as she works from home 3 days a week and when she is here she expects me to supply her with tea all day, the odd snack, along with lunch and then prep dinner for all of us, clear up and pander around her obnoxious Son. Although i have been around this child for 9 yrs i have never had a connection with him, i feel my whole life has been manipulated to accommodate her and her child, the lies on why we should move to where we are i feel was a carpet of lies just so her son could be near his father and the lies that she wanted to be near her parents so she could lean on them for child care was also a complete crock of crap, in all the time we have lived here they are the last people she goes to for child care, it has always been put on me as apparently her job was always better than mine and i needed to be flexible .

She does absolutely nothing around the house, weekends gardening etc is all left to me yet she is so full of great ideas that when implemented are left to me to look after.
Her plans for the week are always last minute or should i say if i ask what is happening she can never tell me her schedule yet i know she knows what is happening so i can never plan anything. she disappears during the day when she works from home to get her nails / hair done or anything for her son, yet if i ask for her to just sit and eat lunch with me she always has something else happening, Sooo here i am yet another day sitting on my own, she has gone to the office today apparently and i'm sitting here with nowhere to really go, in this dull life, missing my parent and children, talking on the phone is not the same as being in their company, they know something is up as i am not my cheery self, Alas they have no idea for over 5 yrs i have been putting on a front for them but inside i am in knots.

Sorry for the long post but i have no idea what i am going to do, i am so sad, crying is now part of my day every day.

techmonkey Thu 30-Jun-16 12:10:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aLeafFalls Thu 30-Jun-16 12:15:42

Here's a link to a very good support group for men. Can you give them a call today and take the second step on your journey to a new, happy life?

There is help out there, please take all the support you can get. Will check back in later when I have more time.

aLeafFalls Thu 30-Jun-16 12:16:31

It's a support group for men suffering domestic violence - sorry, didn't make that clear.

SlippeyWhenWet Thu 30-Jun-16 14:05:29

The house in both names ...

LADLX Thu 30-Jun-16 14:17:03

I know this is going to be easier said than done but, just leave bro.

Find somewhere to go and be near your children, 'cause that's what really matters. Children need their dads around, even if its only once a week, be there.

We can't truly judge your situation based on your testimony alone but, what anyone does know is that you're not happy and the relationship is not what you need and that is okay. Don't ever feel like you have to stay anywhere that is not good, or right for you.

If what you say is indeed true about your wife's behaviour (the abuse) start documenting it and if you can (as odd as it may feel/look) start recording it if you can. When it comes to file for your divorce these types of evidence will allow you to file for unreasonable behaviour grounds and allow you to escape the pain of a two year separation before you can officially divorce which just drags things out.

As fo the money, you will be entitled to your share of assets when the time comes. For now you peace of mind, and physical/mental/emotional health (and that shirt on your back) are all you really need.

Don't wait, or make excuses to stay where you're not happy; you won't do yourself, or your partner and her son any justice by doing that.

All the best mate ;)

idontlikealdi Thu 30-Jun-16 14:19:00

God you need to get out. And she needs to get help.

Do you have children together?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Jun-16 14:22:05

Menkind as a first call for sure.
Then find a local solicitor you can visit.
One that offers a free half hour would be good.
Find out where you stand.
Also speak to the police about the physical and emotional abuse.
Then get to Citizens Advice and find out what you would be entitled to in benefits, housing, tax credits etc... if you left.
Then once you have all the information you will be able to make an informed decision.

Then get out. Get away from this vile abuser and don't look back.
Can you go back home?
Do you have friends or family who could put you up until you are back on your feet?
I can't imagine why you have put up with this but it happens a lot.
Abusers wear you down and manipulate.
She is stepping it up now so get out!!! FAST!!!

Herald Thu 30-Jun-16 14:23:47

Hope I am wrong but is this post real ?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Jun-16 14:24:58

God I hope not Herald but it could well be.
If you have an issue with it then report it via the correct channels.

Herald Thu 30-Jun-16 14:25:48

Sorry hadn't finished ...if it is then you need to be looking at moving back to be near your children and start from there.

fusspot66 Thu 30-Jun-16 14:31:23

Yes Herald It happens to men too. More than you'd think. You need to educate yourself.
DrML. You are being abused. Please save yourself and leave. Great advice above re Men kind etc When women on here are in your situation they are advised to get their ducks in a row which means quietly finding out the financial details of every thing within the marriage/ her income.
flowers for you

DeathStare Thu 30-Jun-16 14:31:41

I suggest you tell her to move out with her brat.

don't let her or the little brat in again

Can we please not refer to a child as a brat? Particularly when the OP isn't even saying that the child has done anything

God you poor man.
Seriously. Move back to be near your children and support network. You are strangely lucky in that you have no job so can just up and leave. Get your bag packed and go, find lodgings and an agency job in your home town for the time being. You can sort out financial things later when you file for divorce. What a hideous life you have at the moment.

ricketytickety Thu 30-Jun-16 14:35:40

Get out first and don't warn her. Collect your passport, copy documents re. the house and finances and then go. Stay with your parents if you can and look for work to get back on your feet.

When you are out, get a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. There is no point waiting until her son is 18. You need to start on it now.

Citizen's Advice Bureau are your first port of call and also call as mentioned up thread.

They'll tell you all the ins and outs.

This journey is going to be step by step - don't think too far ahead. First step: get safe, get documents. Next step: get advice on divorce and finances. But first step is to get safe (get out) with documents.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 30-Jun-16 14:38:09

You likely won't need to maintain her in the house, my friend with three children wasn't allowed to stay in the family home post divorce, it had to be sold. As the breadwinner she won't get the majority equity either. Leave her, go home and start divorce proceedings. Read back through your own post and ask yourself for one good reason why you're still sitting there. When you realise there are none, walk away.

Herald Thu 30-Jun-16 14:42:52

Fusspot ..I really don't need to educate myself let's see how it pans out , like I said I hope it isn't another fake post and the OP takes all the advise to get his life back on track .

SlippeyWhenWet Thu 30-Jun-16 16:29:38

People i am sad to say this is real this is my life at the moment. To look at me you would not believe it, on reflection nor do i. I am a fit strapping man, 6ft - 16 stone, no not fat just athletic. I can see what she is all about now, as i said she has isolated me and then slowly ground me down, my self asteam is at an all time low, thats why i have reached out, i honestly don't know how i have got into this situation.
Thanks for all the advice and i have started to a log today regarding the physical and verbal abuse, i am going to speak to my parents to see if they could make some room for me so i can get out and re start my life. I know my wife is going to go supersonic when i tell her i am off but then i might just pack a bag and say nothing, pick my time over the next week or so.
I hope this all makes sense as i am rushing to type this as she is due in soon, she generally hangs over my shoulder when ever i use the computer so i obviously am having to be a little sneaky.
I will update as regularly as i am able, again thanks for your support.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 30-Jun-16 16:45:51

Wowzers - she is uber controlling.
Definitely leave when you can do so without her being there.
Gather your paperwork.
Passport, marriage cert, birth cert, house documentation, bank statements, wage slips, pension info. Anything you can think of really.
Then pack one day when she is out and go go go!!!
I seriously hope you can do it soon!

EverythingWillBeFine Thu 30-Jun-16 16:52:56

My advice would be the same than for a woman.
If she hits you, go and report to the Police. Go and see yur GP and have them put the marks in yur notes. Anyway that the physical abuse can be recorded.

Go and see a sollicitor. Don't tell her about it. Don't change the way you act at home. Find a good lawyer, hopefully one with half an hour free appointment.

Contact Mankind for advice and CAB to see what are your rights.

Start taking copies of her wages slips, bank account copies (esp if she has her own bank account) etc... Keep your passport and all other documents safe (maybe at a friend, maybe the boot of your car etc...)
Take copies of the mortgage and deeds of the house to prove both your names are on it.

When you have all the info, decide if it's better to ask her to leave or to leave yourself (I'm unsure of what your position would be with a child in the house that isn't yours and you not working atm).

Have you also talked to someone in RL?

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