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I need advice and a hand hold.

(8 Posts)
Kthen Wed 29-Jun-16 22:52:59

My husband just grabbed my shoulders and shook me during an argument. I am so shocked, I know everyone says this but it is so so out of character for him. He is exceptionally mild mannered generally. I asked him to stop calmly and he did and immediately started apologising ( not in a im sorry but.. kind of way but in a totally gobasmacked ashamed way)
The last few months have been incredibly rough on us both, I am a carer and the family member is very unwell now and during this slide my husband has been made redundant twice. We have had less than no money ( having to choose between bills) and have suffered two close family bereavements. Last week we found out another relative has cancer and it all seems to have piled up. We are due to start counselling at relate in 8 days as our communication with each other has broken down. We have been on the waiting list for three months and it has been a real struggle with stress for both of us. But still nothing beyond snapping about money and time with each other.

Is there a way through this. I am more shocked than hurt but at the same time I dont want to minimise this. I just don't know what to do right now. I asked him to sleep on the sofa and give me space and he has.
Could someone just hold my hand /hand me a grip please.

ImperialBlether Wed 29-Jun-16 22:58:29

What a stressful situation. It sounds as though you're both at the end of your tether. You're a carer so by default your income's very low; I can understand his frustration that you can't earn more, particularly given his own redundancies. When you say the person you're caring for is very ill, do you mean they have a life-limiting illness?

flowers

Kthen Wed 29-Jun-16 23:06:11

Thanks Imperial. They have dementia and have taken a real drop so my care has gone from ( just as an example ) providing and making food to having to feed each bite. That is just one of the many areas. The thing is he is not pushy about that at all. The argument was one that started over nothing and money was not part of it. It was more how we had been less of a united front lately. This was due more to time limitations.

HappyJanuary Wed 29-Jun-16 23:07:37

It sounds as if you are both under enormous pressure.

I suppose it comes down to whether you are willing to forgive it as an isolated incident that is out of character, and for which he immediately expressed regret, or whether you find it unforgivable.

My view is coloured by the fact that in a moment of extreme stress I once slapped DH. I was as shocked as he was, and it never came close to happening again.

Entirely your decision. For every story like mine there will be another one where it continued to happen and the assaulted partner should have got out at the first sign.

Kthen Wed 29-Jun-16 23:14:44

Happy, yes we both seemed as surprised as each other. I suppose that is what I am trying to say. I want to try and figure out if we can get through it.
The pressure on us is unbearable at the minute although day to day we are both very much practical people who just get on with it. I feel so confused.

Smorgasboard Thu 30-Jun-16 00:32:11

Looking after someone in the advanced stages of dementia is very tough - mood swings, not being recognized or appreciated as the loved relative you are. I hope with the deterioration, you have also had an increase in social care input, if not you need an assessment. It is likely that at some point they will require full-time care (it is possible for some to become violent due to dementia). Has this fallen just on your shoulders, or are you able to share the responsibility with others?
The above affects marital harmony to the extent that with the associated money stress, it would be understandable to not entirely ring-fence your DH's behaviour as abusive beyond redemption. His response since, and that he stopped when you asked him to is encouraging.
Regarding the argument, it's hard to assess from a distance, you are best placed to work out if there was something in particular about what was said in it that got to him, or if it was a symptom of something that has been grinding him down for a while. If it was about the united front lacking, he may miss the way you were and although understanding as to why, one can still become bitter and frustrated about your lot.

pallasathena Thu 30-Jun-16 15:13:56

Its still concerning though and I'd be exploring why he reacted in such an extreme way.
Why did he lose control like that? And I mean the deeper reasons not the obvious ones. He needs to talk to someone so that you can both understand what exactly possessed him resorting to what was a violent reaction.
At the end of the day, you need to get some eventual closure over this incident.

Kthen Thu 30-Jun-16 16:05:42

Sorry for late replies, fell asleep and woke up late so the whole day has been me running behind.
I wish I could remember what had been said immediatly before it happened but I seem to have lost the last few sentences we both said even though I have thought it over a lot today.
Pall, I am sure he will go for individual counselling if I ask. He may suggest it himself, I asked him not to contact me today as I did not want the conversation over text messages. Can I bring this up in joint counselling without them ending the session though? She was quite firm when we were assessed that we should not have counselling if anything physical had happened.
I am feeling so confused still.
Smorgasboard, I am not the sole carer but the other carer uses me heavily for emotional support too. I don't want to out myself so I cannot give too many details.
My husband is definitely feeling the money stress more as his job obviously brings the main wage in and to be honest after a day caring, then time with my child ( who was not in the house last night, she was with her dad) and then being support for the other carer I am emotionally worn out by the time he is home. I wish we could just push past it l but sorting money is two years minimum as a task and trying to assess the length of care is impossible.
I am feeling so very worn down today.

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