Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How can I get over DH flirting with his 'friend'?

(28 Posts)
KeepsAwayTheNargles Wed 29-Jun-16 21:08:50

I had a thread on here when I found out back in February. Basically through our relationship DH had been having very flirty text conversations with a female friend of his who I'd never met, its under this username.

He blocked her on Facebook, deleted her number. A month later she messaged him through a different account, which he ignored. When I saw it I blocked that account too (it was just 2 messages, she said she was sad about being blocked but wasn't persistent).He ignored it as my aunt had died and he was busy being there for me so didn't mention it, just ignored. He has had a lot of counselling over the past few months about his ego-issues and self-esteem that led to this; as a result he is a much nicer person to be married to I have to say (generally less grumpy, more positive etc as it helped with a lot).

But I just can't get over it. I'd been ill for a while (totally wiped out by vitamin d deficiency), but now I'm a lot better - I have a concentration span and some energy again, my sex drive has returned, and although I fancy him physically there's a block there. I don't want to have sex with him. I'm still mad at him, still hurt.

And it wasn't like he was actually sleeping with her, so it feels stupid to feel this way when our day to day lives are now positive and good. But I do. Its just there in the background. How long until it fades? I'm still angry, I still want to get back at him, but I don't want to feel this way sad

Sorry for starting such a stupid thread but I'm at a loss. I've processed it and the result is this, I thought if I forgave him in my head the rest would follow but so far it hasn't. Am I expecting too much too soon? I feel like I'm being ridiculous!

YvaineStormhold Wed 29-Jun-16 21:13:31

It's early days.

Just feel your feelings. Do whatever you need to do to process what's happened. Be nice to yourself. Don't put yourself under any pressure.

You might find you want out, eventually. That will be your prerogative.

flowers

HeddaGarbled Wed 29-Jun-16 21:27:03

Maybe time for some joint counselling? Or some just for you?

KeepsAwayTheNargles Wed 29-Jun-16 21:38:39

If we didn't have DS I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here right now. I feel obliged to try harder because we're married. I'm scared I'll not stop feeling this way, I cant imagine depriving DS of his dad, he's only little. I'm so angry at him for even putting me in the position where I have to feel this way.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Thu 30-Jun-16 07:18:39

Had a brief talk about it last night, he was really understanding and sympathetic. I am still so confused and emotionally exhausted, and now physically exhausted after a terrible night with DS. It really feels like it will be like this forever now, I really hope it won't sad

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 30-Jun-16 07:26:50

You are allowed to feel the way you feel.

It's encouraging that he is the one who blocked her, and that he is sympathetic when you tell him how you feel. That is the minimum necessary for you two to be able to rebuild things, and I'm glad he's doing it.

However, you are under no obligations whatsoever. You are the only one who gets to judge whether the trust is gone, or whether it can be rebuilt. And you can only understand where you stand on this if you allow yourself to feel all of the emotions you are feeling.

Couples counselling where you can air these feelings safely might be a good idea, if you are both willing. And don't hesitate to look for solo counselling for yourself if you think it would help you.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 30-Jun-16 07:34:12

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest. No truer word spoken.

You have decided to stay, he has done what you asked, now you need to look forward and not back otherwise you are condemning yourself to this emotional sadness

I'm not saying you wouldn't feel sad about something like this but it's time to move on for your own sake

sansXsouci Thu 30-Jun-16 09:18:19

I don't have any advice, only sympathy, I am in a very similar position, I also had a thread on here about DH and his inappropriate flirty relationships with two women from work, he also didn't actually do anything physical, but I am struggling to forget and move on. I no longer feel like we are a team, I don't feel he's fully invested in our relationship anymore. I'd like to throw myself fully into the relationship again, but I'm too scared in case he does something like this again and it'll hurt so much more if I haven't kept an emotional distance. I guess regaining trust is just a matter of time?

mylaststraw Thu 30-Jun-16 09:46:37

Sorry to hear you are struggling with this, nargles :-(. I had a trust issue many years ago and felt much like sansX ^^. I thought I'd gotten over it, but it's all blown up again because of recent events. In retrospect, I think life would have been a lot easier if I had cut my losses the first time I was taken for a fool. Obviously this is a much more difficult decision when kids are involved, and I'm afraid I haven't got any useful advice, sorry :-(. All I can say is you will do what you think best for yourself and DS at the time, good luck with whatever you decide. flowers

KeepsAwayTheNargles Thu 30-Jun-16 10:58:14

I'm trying really hard to completely forgive, like you say QuiteLikely, as ira what I want and I don't want to carry this around with me. DH is in a much better place which means so are we, so I was trying to examine why I still didn't feel inclined to sex even though I want it in theory, which was when I realised I still have this subconscious block - I don't want to 100% let my guard down again sad incase it does happen again (which really would be it, but he's very very sure it never will).

Apparently he could see I was a bit more withdrawn this week and was going to ask me about it at the weekend blush I'm such an open book.

In theory I want to keep moving forward but I'm terrified to take the final step and let that guard back down. In previous relationships I wouldn't have bothered but we're married, supposed to be a team, I want us to be a team so badly and we are in principle, I just can't seem to 100% let it go. How long do I give it before I realise it won't happen? I want to try harder but literally don't know how.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Thu 30-Jun-16 10:59:13

Thank you so much for all your messages by the way, at least I know I'm not alone flowers I just wish I knew how to keep moving forward.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Thu 30-Jun-16 14:45:50

Trying to arrange counselling, needs to be local as I don't drive so I'm hoping my sister can help with childcare over the summer then BiL in September as it looks like Tuesday afternoons or nothing!

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 02-Jul-16 13:40:01

Well today is a pile of shit. Going to a friends BBQ and he's in grumpy arsehole mode. This is miserable. Looking back he was like this when he got together bur I just stroked his ego/carried him through it. Now I just get really irritated that he can't just let things be nice. This is shit.

Teacupinastorm Sat 02-Jul-16 14:00:07

keeps I really feel for you. Going through something similar myself. Been in a relationship for 18 months but have kept it quiet as we work together and don't want gossiping etc. We now no longer work together, and soon won't even work for the same business. Yet he still won't be out in the open. We had an issue over Christmas where he was texting a woman we work with (actually a good friend of mine) flirty messages, saying he wanted to save her from her abusive partner, wanted to kiss her etc. We split for a bit but got back together. He has some mental health issues and sought help, everything has been great since then, better than ever in fact. Except the past few days he has been withdrawn, saw him last night and as he was showing me something on his phone a message icon popped up from a different female colleague with lots and lots of kisses on (petty but this annoyed me) he knows i saw and he carried on as normal, said nothing about it. But it is niggling away at me. I know I need to do something, but I don't know what and I don't want to ruin things.
Apologies for the thread hijack! Feels better to get it out somewhere though.

Boolovessulley Sat 02-Jul-16 14:26:28

I seconds couples councelling.

Have you asked him outright why he is so grumpy?
If he really wants the relationship to work then he has to be honest with you.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 02-Jul-16 17:49:17

I don't want couples counselling as I don't want to feel sorry for him, I just want to work out how I feel on my own terms at the moment. The main part of his counselling was exploring why he's so grumpy so he knows why, and is much better than he used to be but today, ugh.

Have spent this afternoon trying to be normal for DS but I'm kind of falling apart. Pre-DS I would have just left and been by myself for as long as it took for mw to work out what I wanted and I'm struggling to find the space to sort it all out in my head with DS around but I don't want to leave him so that's that really. No idea how to get through this without that space sad

smilingeyes11 Sat 02-Jul-16 17:52:48

I would tell him to leave and give you space. Why you would want to be with a grumpy cheat is beyond me tbh - don't you deserve better than that?

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 02-Jul-16 17:59:18

I don't want to be with a grumpy cheat but breaking up seems monumental. DS is still a terrible sleeper, I have no energy, very little of my own income, we live somewhere I barely know anyone. It would be a lot to deal with.

We're supposed to be moving next year so I'm thinking if things aren't better by then I guess I can move alone, which would be back in with my mum but at least there's be support. Poor DS though sad I've fucked up massively by not realising who I was marrying. I wish I'd realised who he was sooner but then I wouldn't have DS so I also don't.

smilingeyes11 Sat 02-Jul-16 18:12:27

If you feel like that why wait. And on a low income you would get working tax credits, help with rent and maintenance too.

Go to Entitledto and work it out. It does not have to be doom and gloom. Staying with him sounds much worse than breaking up tbh.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 02-Jul-16 18:15:30

When he's not being an arehole he can be lovely (aren't they all...) so though I feel very strongly that I don't want this when he's being horrid, when he stops and apologises it feels like too much to break up over. I'm scared to put DS through that but DH is partly like this because his dad is the same and I so don't want DS ending up like that! Why does everything have to be shit and complicated. Fucks sake.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 02-Jul-16 18:20:21

Now we're home he knows I'm pissed off so he's trying to be all cuddly at me hmm

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 02-Jul-16 19:04:13

Basically talking to myself here but I've got no one to talk to IRL really sad except one friend who is also DH's friend who is lovely for anything else but not relationship stuff for obvious reasons. I just want it all to go away. No, actually I want DH to go away and some space but its just too huge and he has nowhere to go anyway except PiLs and I don't want them knowing our business unless we are 100% splitting up which... this isn't that. I just need more time than I feel I have and more space than I can get. I could scream. But I'll just keep blathering on here instead I guess.

Boolovessulley Sat 02-Jul-16 20:26:28

You don't have to tolerate his behaviour.
By the sounds of it unless he can explain why he behaves like he does, then he is never going to change.
Do you want to live with a miserable man for the rest of your life?

What ever you do don't accept responsibility for his grumpiness.

sorbetandcream1 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:13:18

It sounds tough, been where you are, sometimes still there. You are not alone. Hugs. Think you should focus totally on you for a bit. Take care. X

Vegetablegarden Sat 02-Jul-16 22:22:36

It does take a very long time for trust to come back enough to be happy, but it is possible. I haven't forgiven my DP, he did kiss some women but it was the flirtations with people he sees regularly that hurt me the most.

Do you think, that aside from the flirtations, that now and in the future your boyfriend will treat you well, be a good enough partner for you? I'd think hard about that. Go to couples and / or single counseling. Take your time thinking about this.

Being grumpy sometimes isn't the worst thing in the world, being grumpy a lot is. Taking it out on you and bringing you down regularly is not good either. My DP often gets down because he thinks I will never trust him again, he 'catastrophises' it and gets into a downward spiral. It's annoying that he does this, but no one is perfect.

If yes. Then do you think your DP is doing enough to get most of the trust back (I'll never be 100%, ever, but manageable)? If not, do you think he will do more, i.e. Always being an open book, never minding if you feel down and how long it takes to get your trust back, how long it takes to fancy him again.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now