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SS causing more problems than they're solving

(17 Posts)
Redisthenewblack Wed 29-Jun-16 20:07:44

Long back story. Will try to keep it brief without drip feeding. Happy to give any additional info.

Left exh at Xmas time.
3dc.
Ex was emotionally and physically abusive and violent.
Police involvement.
Inevitable SS referral.
I got a harassment order.

SS came to see me.
SS went to see him. He made up a pack of lies.
They came back and questioned me about what he'd said.
I explained he lied. They went back to him and told him I'd said he was lying.
This 'he said'/'she said' has gone on over a period of a months.
(With me so far?!)

Anyway....contact with DC was being done through a 3rd party. Due to a mix up I ended up having to collect the DC from ex a few weeks ago.
All went well. Polite for kids sake.
3rd party's car then broke and can no longer do drop offs/pick ups.
Ex and I agreed we would do the pick ups/drop offs ourselves. In the street. Not at each others houses.
All going well for a few weeks.

Until this morning....
SS called ex yesterday and told him I have a new DP!!!!
He hit the roof.
I'm furious.
So now we're back to square 1.
I don't know what to do.

I don't want him or the children to miss out on their time together. But I can't put myself in that situation and I have told him so.

What do I do? How can I arrange contact with ex when I can't go anywhere near him?
And can I make a complaint about SS telling him about new DP? Surely knowing the way he is with regard to jealousy/violence they should NOT have divulged that information?

BarbarianMum Wed 29-Jun-16 20:13:27

They shouldn't have divulged it but better he found out from them than the kids. Assuming it's true he was bound to find out sometime and quite frankly, he's being totally unreasonable about it.

When you say "back to step 1" do you mean you now have a new harassment order?

frick Wed 29-Jun-16 20:26:29

Can SS advise on how contact can be arranged safely?
And, yes, although it was perhaps crass of them to share information re your new relationship with consulting/talking with you about it first, they probably felt it was their duty to inform him so it didn't come from one of the children.
Are SS aware that your ex h has been abusive to you since finding out about your new relationship?

Isetan Wed 29-Jun-16 22:41:24

Are you sure SS told your Ex that you have a new partner? If they did, they were bang out of order and I would make a complaint but they aren't responsible for your Ex's reaction. He was always going to react this way, no matter who delivered the information. I know it's hard when historically you've spent significant energies trying to manage the reaction of a volitile individual, by managing information, to let go of the false sense of security of such behaviour. However, it is a false sense of security because his reaction isn't your responsibility, it's his and managing information/ situations won't change that. In the mind of abusive twats, they always the victims and their victims are always the perpetrators.

Have you accessed any support with regards dealing with the aftermath of being in an abusive relationship? When you're in an abusive relationship your brain defaults to survivalist thinking, which helps in that environment but when you're no longer in that environment, that type of thinking is more of a hinderance.

Contact between DD and Ex was detailed In a Parenting Plan and as part of contact, I insisted hand overs took place outside a Police Station. Hand overs outside of a Police Station was my red line because I was DD's only responsible parent and therefore prioritising my safety, was the same as prioritising DD's safety.

I know it's difficult when you've spent forever and a day trying to manage information so as not to provoke a volatile individual but by doing so, by

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Wed 29-Jun-16 23:26:14

There must be more to this.....

Ss don't get involved to this level

Oswin Wed 29-Jun-16 23:34:20

Mumontherun op has said her ex is violent and abusive and the police were called of course they get involved.
Normally for support for the abused spouse and to make sure measures are put in place to help the children.
Social services are for support not just for investigating abuse you know.

Op did your children know you had a dp? If not I would make a complaint to ss.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 30-Jun-16 07:44:25

You need to find out how he knows. He may have interrogated the children/friends or family.

The SS do have to question you on accusations regarding anything that affects your parenting.

MrsDeVere Thu 30-Jun-16 07:47:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer Thu 30-Jun-16 07:50:48

Talk to SS about what ex said (he could simply be lying again) and to seek advice on safe handovers.

Report to them your ex's most recent abusive behaviour. Has he breached the harassment order?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 30-Jun-16 07:54:28

What type of plan are the children on?
What is in the plan?
How can it be achieved/what is the exit plan for them?

Redisthenewblack Thu 30-Jun-16 13:21:40

Sorry for the late reply.

To answer a few questions:
There is absolutely NOT more to this.

I don't know what plan the children are on. All I've been told is that it's not a child protection issue.
We haven't discussed a plan/exit, etc.
In fact I've not been told a whole lot apart from having 'well he said this' passed back and forth for weeks.

SS have not suggested what could be done re. safe access arrangements.
They suggested a 3rd party, which is what we were doing, but now that's fallen through they have no other suggestions.

I like the idea of the handovers being done at a police station. And there is one we could both easily access.

Ex suspected I was seeing someone.
The dc don't know yet, and there's only one of them that's old enough to understand anyway (all dc under 3).
SS know I'm seeing someone because one of the accusations he made was that I am sleeping with 5/6 different men, so I explained I am definitely only seeing 1 person.

I will call them and explain what happened yesterday and ask if she definitely did tell him.
I suspect she will have though. She doesn't seem to have a filter.
If she has I'll 100% be making a complaint. How dare she tell him when we haven't even told our immediate families yet!?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 30-Jun-16 13:24:06

Ok - questions that needs answers
Is this is the single assessment stage? What timescale have they got for completing the assessment?
Have they asked you to sign consent for information sharing? If not - who have they spoken to?
When will you receive the assessment and be informed if the outcome?
Outcome could be - child protection conference, child in need plan, close with referral to early help or close.

Redisthenewblack Thu 30-Jun-16 13:49:42

Lady I have no idea about any of those things.
The social worker who has been to see me has not told me a thing.
I've left her a message asking for her to call me so will ask her when I speak to her.
Basically every meeting we've had has been 'tell me what happened when he's been violent. Well he said...xyz...you're telling me something different. Someone is lying and I don't know who to believe.'

I tried to explain to her last time we spoke that had she bothered to read any information on abusive men she would know that they are often master manipulators and fantastic liars.

I also pointed out that it didn't matter one iota if he was accusing me of having an affair while we were married, and the fact he said that to her was irrelevant to the situation now, all I was concerned about was my kids, but she asked over and over if I'd cheated during our marriage.

She seems incompetent and nosy to be honest.

MrsDeVere Thu 30-Jun-16 16:01:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 30-Jun-16 16:11:39

It's impossible to have ongoing social work involvement without a child in need or child protection plan - and you should have a copy of that plan and be consulted on how to achieve it.

MrsDeVere Thu 30-Jun-16 17:20:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redisthenewblack Thu 30-Jun-16 18:14:54

It's been over 3 weeks since the last contact I had with her.

She said it is definitely not a child protection issue, although they were ready to step away and he came to my house and beat me up again which is why there is ongoing involvement and the harassment order was put in place.

I just feel like I have no idea what's going on.

They can obviously see that there is no issue with the children, apart from how their father is with me.

I did handover in the police station car park tonight as pp suggested. He wasn't happy. I was. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I wasn't scared of his reaction to me.

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