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DH's friend having an affair and I know

(27 Posts)
Hazydays7 Wed 29-Jun-16 19:19:05

Just wondering where I put my thoughts in this situation, anyone been here?
Dh's found out a while ago that his friend is having an affair. They have a friendship group of 4 and drink together so DH says his friend has said he's been unhappy in his marriage for ages and met someone else through OLD!!
I've kept quiet for ages but I know his DW (not close friends) . What really got me about it was the other day on their anniversary his DW posted a wedding picture of theirs on her FB account. It had all the guys on as well (who know) which really made me cringe and realise just how cruel this situation is. I'm not sure she would do that if their marriage was really unhappy?
I felt so sorry for her when I saw the picture, I can't say anything but feel very uncomfortable. What should I think?

ImperialBlether Wed 29-Jun-16 19:22:01

Maybe he's unhappy, maybe he's bored and likes a bit of flattery or maybe she's unhappy, but he's a bastard not only for having an affair and actually seeking it out with OLD, but for telling other people who are her friends. Awful behaviour.

HandbagCrazy Wed 29-Jun-16 19:37:00

I have been in this situation twice and it's horrible.

First time was a friend of DHs. I wasn't close his partner so didn't feel I could say anything. When it all blew up, she has since said (I'm close with her now) that the worse thing was that she realised how quickly how many people knew what was happening so she felt stupid.

Second time was slightly different in that he (cheating partner) was my friend of many years. He confided in me and I had no issues giving him both barrels and pointing out everything he stood to lose (lovely, supportive wife, 2 daughters, great family life).
He didn't come completely clean - told his wife that he was feeling disconnected and tempted. They went to counselling and seem to have worked it out. He's not done anything even remotely inappropriate since.

I feel for you Op. Can your DH not tackle his friend about what he's doing? As its not your friend and you don't know his DW well enough to tell her directly?

SandyY2K Wed 29-Jun-16 19:39:18

You think it's cruel and it's true. It's cruel indeed. How do you think you'd feel if she knew your DH was having an affair? Would you be upset she never said anything?

He should divorce if he's not happy. Affairs are so nasty and scheming.

SandyY2K Wed 29-Jun-16 19:42:20

BTW your DH is justifying his mate's affair as he says he's unhappy. You know he'll feel the same and could do the same if he's unhappy with you right?

The poor woman would feel such a fool knowing everyone knew. I would in her position.

Hazydays7 Wed 29-Jun-16 20:15:04

It's an absolutely awful situation. I feel bad that I just tried not to think about it before but seeing their wedding photo posted with the 3 friends, her and him all together, with her not knowing a thing really hit home what he's done.
You're right, I wasn't very comfortable with my dh saying he's unhappy because you talk about it (as I would hope we would), not just go off and have and an affair. Actually, I'm shocked that he went on a dating site (I know married men do it) and I know it's a cliche to say he doesn't seem the type but honestly, I never thought he was the type. Known him for years, good father, works hard but what a situation now!
I can't imagine how she will feel if she finds out and I think she would be horrified if she knew that we all knew.
I'm going to mention it again to my dh and see if he can talk to his friend because it's ridiculous and if she finds out we all know it would be heartbreaking.
This is all her dh's doing though.

FizzyPop24 Wed 29-Jun-16 20:25:48

Yes - I found out a friend of mine and DH was having an affair. I felt sick as his DW is also my friend. I gave him the opportunity to tell her (a week - one of the worst of my life)!as I felt he should have to face it rather than me tell her. He did tell her and it was awful but they have worked through it.

However, had he decided to keep quiet, my conscience wouldn't have let me not tell her. Seeing her posting on social media and talking about their happy marriage was more than I could've bared.

Affairs are just so damaging. And in this situation for him to actually seek out a new relationship whilst married?! If you're unhappy, leave, don't start something else behind your SO's back. I definitely think you should speak to your DH about it, his friend cannot keep this up, it's so unfair.

SandyY2K Wed 29-Jun-16 20:31:11

Absolutely it's down to her DH, but the fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell your DH and his friends indicates that they wouldn't think it's such a bad thing.

In a betrayal like this your DH and the others would not be seen as 'friends of the marriage'.

I have a friend who is having an affair. Except she doesn't know that I know. Her DH isn't my friend. I saw him once at their wedding and a couple of occasions in passing.

I feel bad for her DH and I've decided to distance myself from said friend. I never thought she was the type at all either.

She hasn't told me because I presume she knows I would not approve.

That this chap told your DH and friends how he went on OLD - kind of shows he had an incling they'd be supportive and it sounds like that is the case.

They can't talk him out of it. He is happy having a wife and a GF.

Now you know they'd say nothing if it was your DH in that position.

Hazydays7 Wed 29-Jun-16 20:56:59

It has brought up some tension with dh and I because they are all going along with it.
I'm astounded that he went on a dating site and has got away with it.
If there was a way of letting her know without being involved it would be so much easier, I fear trying to tell her is going to create some huge issues all round but it's gone on for quite a while now.
I don't know if she'll eventually find out herself but if she doesn't God knows how long she'll be in the dark. So unfair on her.

SandyY2K Wed 29-Jun-16 21:09:48

Many men and women who are married go on dating sites.

They end up in relationships for years on end and some have secret babies through the affair.

My DH would not be happy that I was condoning such behaviour, as he'd view my continued friendship that way.

Why did your DH even tell you? I know if I told DH about my friend he'd get suspicious every time I met up with her. Sort of like ... is she going to find a BF you then.

People have exposed anonymously but you require hard evidence, as so many wives refuse to believe it. I had a woman who was deceived that the guy was single, then found out he had a wife and 2 kids. I urged her to tell the wife, but the wife refused to believe.

A letter in the mail via special delivery, stating the OWs name and that

Dear XXXX,

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your DH has been having an affair with XXX for 9 months. I thought you should know.

From A good Samaritan

Nannawifeofbaldr Wed 29-Jun-16 21:14:04

I can't imagine that an anonymous letter would help anyone. You'd never know if it was malicious and it's too easy for the guy to deny.

OneTwoOneTwoThreeFour Wed 29-Jun-16 21:18:04

Tell her, but not anonymously. That will torment her, wondering who it was forever afterwards, not knowing if it was malicious or well intentioned.

Or don't tell her, and await the fallout. I can see it would be difficult for you.

DeathStare Wed 29-Jun-16 21:18:48

I'd tell her. Many years ago I was in an almost identical situation - except I didn't find out about the affair until after the woman being cheated on found out. Someone else accused me of being the one who had told her and my ex pointed out that he had deliberately not told me as he knew I would tell her if I'd known.

I think by choosing to tell you, your DH has put you an intolerable position. And in your position I would definitely tell her.

TheCraicDealer Wed 29-Jun-16 21:32:58

From memory the Good Samaritan helped the person up and got them help, not just point out what a shit situation the robbed guy was in and trot off. Dropping bombshells like that is cowardly and very unfair on the recipient who would probably be plagued wondering if it was malicious, or if it was who knew they were being mugged off.

Don't tell her unless you're prepared to be open and supportive. An anonymous note just gives him the chance to deny and be more careful about who he shares info with.

The fact that your DH's mate is so open about actively seeking an affair with his mates would ring alarm bells with me and make me wonder what counts for acceptable behaviour when they're on their own.

Hazydays7 Wed 29-Jun-16 21:39:35

I have briefly tentatively mentioned it just now to dh and he's reminded me that the four of them are off on a lads weekend abroad in September and he doesn't want that to be made difficult!!
That's a good question why my dh even told me. Maybe to gauge my reaction?
I've looked again at her FB photo / post and it's so sad that one of the other guys has commented on it as though nothing is wrong. She mentions how many years etc, I feel like she is being made a complete fool of.
I'm really going to have to have a think about this.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Wed 29-Jun-16 22:33:54

Your DH wants you to keep quiet about it... Why? Because infidelity isn't a big deal?

Fuck that. This woman deserves to know.

PragmaticWench Wed 29-Jun-16 22:45:20

Your DH clearly expects you to keep quiet and condone his friend's affair. How disgustingly grubby. Does it make you view your DH differently? If he was in a moral quandary but had decided not to betray his friend then you might understand, but he sounds fine with it. confused

SandyY2K Wed 29-Jun-16 22:52:55

An anonymous note just gives him the chance to deny and be more careful about who he shares info with.

If the info is specific enough he'd have a hard time denying it.

Although I dont think the OP knows enough information in this case to be specific.

I find this so often - women in denial even when you are told your DH is cheating. If someone sent me a note and a name of a woman my DH was cheating with ... their motives are not the issue. The truth is what I want.

You rather blame the messenger and bury your head in the sand.

The content of the letter is what I need to focus on. I'd either do my own covert investigation or confront.

Many people don't want to get involved apart from to let you know your spouse is playing away. That's not cowardly at all. Why get embroiled when you can simply pass on the info with verifiable evidence.

I'd be terribly uncomfortable with my DH going away with this guy. How do you know his friend's GF isn't going as well? And bringing her single friends along? You don't.
It's a great cover story though. The poor wife will think he's off on a lads trip with Tom, Paul and Nick. Not knowing any the wiser.

So often people talk about a mates affair and they are up to no good themselves. Affairs can seem like so much fun and when all the friends see him glowing after great sex, they could decide to give it a go. They will alibi each other and cover no matter what.

Every one of us have our own mind, but I've known affairs to start after a friend sees another living it up and having a whale of a time getting away with it so easily.

It's great that you have no secrets and he would tell you this, but I'd keep wondering why - especially as you know her.

Hazydays7 Thu 30-Jun-16 12:12:15

Well, I'm speechless this morning. I asked dh how long he knew about this and me said from 2 years ago. I almost feel like it's a betrayal to me.
What's shocked me is that this poor cheated on wife (friend) had her father die last year so her dh was having an affair whilst get father was dying. I'm shocked that a seemingly decent man can do this to her. No idea what to say now.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 30-Jun-16 12:22:28

Seemingly decent is right, what a prick. I think your dh was in a tricky position though, it wasn't his information to pass to you and he shouldn't really have told you at any point. He should have told his mate to fix up but maybe he has. I can see why he doesn't want you telling her as that will cause him real friendship issues in a tight group which of course has big consequences for his life. He wants to let sleeping dogs lie and I don't think that's inherently bad of him.

As for telling her, I wouldn't. I think I'd try getting to know her a bit and sound out how she is feeling about the marriage.

lookatmenow Thu 30-Jun-16 12:55:48

I think i would be inclined to have a word with the cheating husband. Explain that you know about the affair and think it's unfair on his wife and that you feel you are now in a difficult position not to say anything.

Are you close to your DH's friends, i can make out if you are an older set of friends (kids grown up and friends from local pub kinda thing) of mid 20's, not kids etc - especially still having "lads holdiays" unless like golfing -shit-

adora1 Thu 30-Jun-16 14:20:50

Plenty attached peeps on dating sites!

DeathStare Thu 30-Jun-16 14:42:01

he's reminded me that the four of them are off on a lads weekend abroad in September and he doesn't want that to be made difficult!!

Well the cheater should have thought about that before cheating. And before letting his friends know. And your DH should have thought about that before he told you.

It is not your responsibility to ensure that a cheating man and his deceitful friends who are in on it with him all get to have a good time - particularly if doing so means that you feel feel bad about the actions expected of you.

mickyblueyes Thu 30-Jun-16 15:55:28

Being on the receiving end of something similar with my STBXW, she too was posting on FB about our anniversary, holidays etc...whilst having an affair.

A bit of private detective work by me and I got the evidence I needed after following my gut feeling that something was going on. Other people including members of her family and our friends knew about her affair, I'm kind of glad i found out myself but equally would have appreciated being told about my ex's extra-curricular activities!

I can't really give you an answer of what to do, but the suggestion of an anonymous letter, text whatever might give his wife something to think about and start the process of trying to get evidence of this alleged affair, she may already have that same 'Gut feeling' i did.

This might include you keeping this from your DH if you don't want him to know you tipped her off anonymously...which might be difficult for you and DH if it all kicks off.

Its a shit situation, cheaters are shit, affair enablers (Sorry but that includes your DH) are also shit! This friend of your DH has included so many people in his sordid little affair...HE'S THE BIGGEST SHIT of all!

Hazydays7 Thu 30-Jun-16 19:58:59

I'm really beginning to see dh's friend for what he really is now. I think the deceit is horrendous. I just can't let his wife not know for ever more, it's just so unfair on her. I just can see no way of telling her, I know that's really weak of me but I just don't do confrontation which is probably why I didn't really think too much about it before until reality took hold.
Strangely, it's also making me think about dh and his part and I'm not feeling too good about that at the moment and he knows it.

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