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What does closure look or feel like to you?

(8 Posts)
throwawayjunefri Wed 29-Jun-16 16:01:18

I have ended a relationship that I feel was very codependent.

I often felt mistreated but, instead of ending things, I'd bargain with him to change or just wish it was different. Initially, I described it as abusive, but I can now see the impact that my own behaviour had in terms of allowing and permitting a toxic dynamic to persist.

I am a lot happier and am working on my self-esteem.

Initially, I followed advice and "went no contact", thinking that it was dangerous for me to speak to him. But I don't know if it was right for me. By portraying the relationship as abusive, I erased anything good and denied myself access to the good memories I had with him. Though I'm ready to move on, I want to retain the memories of that love, when it was good and easy and fun, to know that it was part of my life story and to feel at peace with that.

So I spoke to him, and explained my reasons for leaving, and said that I genuinely think we don't work and he needs to be with someone who can tolerate the things about him that I find difficult. Where there was a kind of emptiness or hole inside me during the "no contact", I now feel calmer and like things are as they should be.

I think that's what closure is like for me. How about you?

ForestFruits12 Wed 29-Jun-16 16:11:42

Sorry to be really nosey, but your post has struck a cord with me!

How long were you together for? Are you willing to post about the things you couldn't tolerate?

The reason I ask is because it would be me writing your post! I finished my relationship and went no contact as I thought I would find it easier, but I really struggled. unfortunately, I did try to have that convo with him, but he still felt very hard done by and very hurt, so it didn't end how I would have liked.

I still feel like I need that closure!!

throwawayjunefri Wed 29-Jun-16 16:36:12

It lasted for three years but we were never "official".

These are the things I can't tolerate (but am now beyond judging):

He uses cocaine and alcohol quite frequently.
If he's in a bad mood, he ignores me and gets angry if I try to speak to him. This doesn't work for me, as I like things to be consistent, and if I'm shut out I feel incredibly hurt.
He will often vanish for a few days at a time because he doesn't feel like engaging with people (with no prior warning).
When he's happy and in a good mood, affection is forthcoming. It vanishes if he's hungover, tired or fed up.
In the past, he has lied about there being no other women involved.
He once threatened to strangle me in a moment of anger (over text) and immediately took it back. I was threatening to tell one of the other women about me at the time. It was an isolated incident but it cast a shadow over us.
He is bad with money and freely admits it. Has many debts despite earning 35k+ and living at home.
Two of his ex's claim he has 2 children, but he hasn't bothered to get DNA tests or take interest in them.
He still lives with his parents and has very little ambition but is waiting to get his inheritance. I want to be a doctor and have different goals.
He has a history of sexual abuse and PTSD from working in a job that sometimes involves dealing with death (in very traumatic contexts) but does not feel he needs counselling. I think until he reaches that point in his life, the other issues will remain, and we won't work. But that is just my view.

I hope that helped you a little. Getting space and taking time to focus on yourself helps. I spent three years trying to end it and always going back, it was hard. Now I am in a different place.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 29-Jun-16 17:34:55

Closure comes from within. If closure depends on someone else, then you can easily have a problem.

Understand what you did right and what mistakes you made in reaction to the situation you were in.

Do not think too much about the other person's motivations. Concentrate on your own behaviours in response to their behaviours and the situation.

Decide what you would do differently if it happened again. Understand why you didn't do that the first time. Then you will feel at peace and have that sense of closure.

You can do all of that alone. You don't need anyone else to cooperate.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 29-Jun-16 17:43:14

You sound like you are in a good place now, and made entirely the right decision. Slightly different for me. Although I am now with DF and am able to communicate with XH (20yr marriage) without hissing, the abuse seems to make it impossible to remember the good bits (obviously there were some). Just too painful for me I think.

FuckThisandThat Wed 29-Jun-16 19:11:23

You sound very rational and strong, which is great starting point! Similar to you but a relationship that was in no way abusive, he's was just emotionally dead... I adored him, as a friend and a lover but he ended things for reasons I can't quite fathom. Any way I went strict NC which left a hole and a feeling of not quite being done, I broke NC to meet him and tell him some stuff (all nice) and went from pining for him and missing him terribly to feeling completely done with him in the space of 5 days! After 3.5 years I never thought I'd get to this place. I gave myself closure, I would never have gotten it from him.

Enjoy moving forward.

Isetan Wed 29-Jun-16 21:19:12

I agree with RunRabbitRunRabbit, closure is an internal dialogue and not an external one. For me, closure was the culmination of a process of accepting the past, so I could embrace the future unencumbered. The process began when I stopped asking 'why did he do this?' and started asking 'why did I put up with it'?

LesisMiserable Thu 30-Jun-16 12:55:08

Closure is a fallacy in my mind.Its a need to seal up (with a view to forgetting) a period of your life that hurt you and its most usually sought by people who have knowingly given too much of themselves and want to understand why it still wasn't enough to make that other person love and want them. Closure however comes quickly when your energies are diverted into a new sexy man I find and observe ! grin

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