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Will you take a look at this pros and cons list for me?

(12 Posts)
viviennewestood Wed 29-Jun-16 15:09:22

I have to decide whether I want to try once again to make my relationship work and I've come up with a pros and cons list to try and make sense of it all.

Pros
1. He's dd's dad.
2. He makes me feel safe.
3. He makes me laugh.
4. I don't want to break the family up.
5. I can be myself around him.

Cons
1. Not physically/sexually attracted to him.
2. Sometimes find his sarcasm/sense of humour offensive.
3. He can be quite immature and I think he still has some growing up to do - he disagrees.
4. He doesn't think he wants any more children - I know I do.
5. Scared that I won't find someone else confused

Please help.

HuskyLover1 Wed 29-Jun-16 15:13:31

Hmm. The Pro's are huge. But the first Con on your list is a biggie. Can you stay with someone for the rest of your life, that you don't find attractive? Not sure I could. That said, breaking up the family is huge and has implications for years and years to come (DD living in two homes/being constantly ferried between).

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Jun-16 15:17:58

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How can you be yourself around him, you sound almost afraid of him actually.

I think reason number 4 on your pros list is perhaps the main reason why you and he are still together at all. You cannot find it within yourself to end this relationship which makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. You want your DD to grow up thinking that yes, this is how people behave and for this to become her "norm" too?.

Do you love and or trust this man, your pros list has nothing about actually loving him or trusting him. Where's the respect for yourselves and each other?

How else does he make you laugh if you find his sarcasm and sense of humour offensive on occasion?.

Your cons list is far, far more compelling and convincing that your pros list. How can you be yourself around him at all, is he simply turning you into the person he wants you to be?.

If this is not working for you that is itself good enough reason to end the relationship.

viviennewestood Wed 29-Jun-16 15:30:58

To be honest the main thing I'm getting out of the relationship at the moment is companionship. He works away all week and I can get quite lonely so seeing him on the weekend gives me something to look forward to. I enjoy taking dd out together and going on family holidays together. I worry that I'm depriving her of all of this if we did end it.

viviennewestood Wed 29-Jun-16 15:33:06

I honestly don't know whether I love him or not. I think I do as a friend and I care about him a lot. There's no real affection there and he hates being touched or hugged etc. I feel as though I'm taken for granted sometimes. This sounds really big headed but I care a lot about my appearance and make an effort which means that I get a lot of attention. I just wish some of that attention was from him.

BabooshkaKate Wed 29-Jun-16 15:37:14

You shouldn't be having children with someone you're not sexually attracted to.

viviennewestood Wed 29-Jun-16 15:55:43

I used to be.

BabooshkaKate Wed 29-Jun-16 16:03:55

So what has changed that you no longer are?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Jun-16 16:06:20

He doesn't think he wants any more children - I know I do
This is all you need to focus on.
There is no compromise here.
Neither of you are wrong but you won't ever agree.
The resentment will built if you don't have anymore or his will if you do.

Pooshy Wed 29-Jun-16 16:11:08

I think it sounds like worth hanging onto / making work myself. If he makes you laugh and you get on well you're half way there, IMO

How old is your child? Maybe your attraction has gone down since you've had her? Just wondering if it's more that your libido is low as you're tired all the time...mine is and I have a toddler!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Jun-16 16:27:21

How can you have companionship if he is only around two days out of every seven?. Is this really what you envisaged for yourself and your DD?
How isolated are you, what do you do during the day?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you? You do not have to answer that but its something that you need to think about.

If he does not want any more children and you do then you are incompatible in that important respect as well.

viviennewestood Wed 29-Jun-16 19:06:27

No its certainly not what I envisaged sad being apart all week took a lot of getting used to for me whereas he coped much better. Dd starts nursery soon so I will be going back to work part time which will make me feel less isolated but even at the weekends when we do see each other things aren't great. He spends most of his time on his phone playing games etc and I end up doing my own thing. I'm sure this isn't how couples are meant to be?

Growing up my parents pretty much stayed together for my sake. They loved one another but didn't particularly get along. My mum had depression and was an alcoholic and my dad was miserable because of it and ended up resenting the fact that he had the life that he had. The amount of times I cried in my room and felt terrified because I could hear them arguing. I don't want that for dd.

I trust him completely in terms of cheating etc which is another pro. I love him as a friend and as dd's dad but I'm not sure whether it goes much further.

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