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Finding ExH happy new life difficult to deal with

(34 Posts)
RhubarnAndCustard Wed 29-Jun-16 13:45:53

In a nutshell: separated 10 months ago (sold house, had to move and buy new place), finances split, children live predominantly with me (every other weekend with exH).

ExH found a glamorous new GF (43, never married, no children) within three months of separation. Very loved up: mini-breaks, flying her off on holidays, she basically lives with him except when he has the children etc etc. Has created a new, happy life for himself. DC have met her.

I do not want him back, but I am finding the speed at which he found a fabulous new life pretty hard to deal with, and his happiness like a twisting knife as I struggle to keep everything together for my DC and my own work and life.

There's an element of smugness to it all, and he even condescendingly told me that one day I too 'would find happiness' like he has - and that it will 'come completely unexpected'.

It's not as though I'm sat at home weeping. I am doing my very best to get out and find a new life (all the while trying to work and be a fab mother). I have ventured into online dating - and have had some fun there, but at 47 I'm not finding it fulfilling (lots of fellow divorcees with even bigger issues than my own, who only seemingly want a 'bedroom buddy' - to put it politely). It's also slow and complicated to even start a relationship when I have so little time free. I joked to a friend that other day that I would only ever find a happy relationship with someone when I'm in a care home.

I know it's not a 'happiness competition' between us, but I hate feeling as though I'm struggling and he's moved on so quickly to find his ideal life.

How do I get out of this jealous mindset? I feel, irrationally, that this is so very unfair that he is beyond happy - and I'm still just 'coping'.

techmonkey Wed 29-Jun-16 13:54:16

Meditation of some form can be helpful... Also he has a lot more free time, i suggest a fairer time split maybe? If you have more than 2 weekends a month you will be able to find some interesting people, which is a good way to find a really interesting and attractive person!
If you kids are very young it will be harder, but if they are able to be left for occasional evening then you can meet more people too...
Take up a sport or some artistic work of some kind. Music, dancing, yoga?
Remember there are lots of people out there who would be good for you... You need to widen your horizons if you are going to meet them!

Meditating or some cognitive behavioural therapy type would definitely help!
Yoga often does meditation with exercise, that's a powerful combination when a person need to refund who they are!

Good luck 😉, and hope it all goes well, also there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, so if you want to be casual for a while that's is fine, and if you want only a serious one, that's fine too!

BerylStreep Wed 29-Jun-16 13:57:17

What caused the break-up?

Do you think he might be laying on the 'totally loved up happiness' to piss you off?

MaybeDoctor Wed 29-Jun-16 13:58:52

All that glitters...

Remember, they are in the honeymoon period right now. Plus it might be that she envies you for having had that family life with him? Who knows...

Either way - disengage and keep on going.

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 29-Jun-16 14:00:42

I felt like this when I split up from my first husband.

Within 3 months, he too had found love. hmm Someone he'd known from college. He was smug as all smuggishly smug shit too -- "I find myself walking around with a stupid smile on my face." Twat.

6 months later, she'd turned into a bunny boiler and he'd had to dump her. He then had to go to hospital because he got infected haemorrhoids and apparently was "shitting pus". Sexy! By that point, i'd lost 3 stone, got a whole new lease of life, and had never been happier.

We're both remarried now.

I'm afraid you just have to wait it out -- his life will seem "better" at this point but that's only because he'll probably have more time and more disposable income than you. Long term, you'll have an amazing relationship with your kids, a string group of friends and family who've supported you through your worst, a TON of pride in yourself and the knowledge that YOU CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING.

Massive hugs though, I really do know what it's like.

BobbinThreadbare123 Wed 29-Jun-16 14:01:58

I don't know if I've any advice, but I know how you feel. My XH kept our house, had been out hunting for my replacement and moved her in and for her pregnant very quickly, then he got a promotion and moved away. That was hard, as he'd basically trapped me in an area and stifled my career because he refused to move.

I found that keeping busy, concentrating on work and doing some OLD worked wonders. I have a better social life now he's gone, my health is better and I also have a new husband who is wayyyy better than XH. It just happened more slowly for me. I also realised how venal and sulky XH is and learnt a lot about myself.

All I can say is that the feeling does fade with time; I can't say I don't still feel annoyed when XHs success comes to mind, but I realise that it's only money and I bet he's getting it in the neck about refusing to marry his new partner and the stupid names he called the baby. Also I still know I'm smarter than him, so mehhh.

RhubarnAndCustard Wed 29-Jun-16 14:24:53

"Smug as all sluggishly smug shit too" - hahhahahahaa - that's EXACTLY what I am up against!

Herald Wed 29-Jun-16 14:33:59

My exw cheated on me and very quickly met and married someone else (not the OM) she was all smug and told me I will meet someone good as well eventually because 'I have a good job' (nice) . I also had some fun online dating, visiting the great outdoors walking and cycling with friends , great times with the DC's and she settled into a boring married life , low and behold 3years later I am happily in a relationship and she has justbfound out her new husband is cheating on her ....don't focus on his life get on and try new things it all works out eventually....

InsufficientlyCaffeinated Wed 29-Jun-16 14:42:15

It's also slow and complicated to even start a relationship when I have so little time free.

Start there. Why should you do most of the childcare and he only has to do every other weekend? Can you do a 50/50 split or at least something which gives you some time to build a life before you get to the care home stage! Get yourself a couple of nights in the week free for date nights or socialising

RhubarnAndCustard Wed 29-Jun-16 14:46:20

Hmm that's a tricky one - as may child maintenance is calculated according to this set up. If I were to split the time 50/50 or reduce my time with the girls then I will lose a chunk of my maintenance - which I desperately need.

Loving the positivity from you all. Thank you so much for the optimism - so helpful whenI'm struggling to find positivity in the future!

Lolabels Wed 29-Jun-16 14:48:56

Make the most of the free time you have just doing exactly what you want to do even if it's on your own just make the most of that freedom! And then you will know exactly what your looking for in a partner it may take 10 months it may take 10 years but you can have a little fun on the way just dont get down and think no one wants to be with you. Good things come at the right time!
Just remember people only show what they want you to see his life won't be perfect probably not that much to be too jealous of!

Wonkydonkey44 Wed 29-Jun-16 14:49:17

I've learned that what appears on the surface can be very different to what's going on behind closed doors.
My ex moved on very quick and then he moved on again and again and again and again with my kids being introduced to every one of them.
Fill your life up with good positive things and then you'll be less likely to give a shit .
Hugs xx

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 29-Jun-16 14:50:14

I really wouldn't change a thing about what happened with my ex. I honestly know now that I can get through anything. Looking back, it was the making of me. I'm much stronger and more confident since.

I don't believe in karma, but I DO believe that people don't really change. So, if he was a test with you, he'll be being the very same twat every day in his "new" life.

He'll still be stingy/mean/critical/irritating/dull/unsexy/closed/selfish/lazy* --delete as appropriate. The wonderful new woman will be getting as frustrated and annoyed as you did, about ALL the same things.

I was dropping the kids off at ex's house one weekend, when he'd just moved in with his new gf (who's lovely - she's his wife now). She looked a bit stressed and said, "I never realised he had so... much... STUFF."

He did! He hoarded everything, really old, worthless tat.

When she said that, I realised I had t lost anything worthwhile. I'd just been untethered from all his crapness.

I said to her, "Enjoy every moment!" and sailed off feeling reborn.

That clearly annoyed her because she hasn't spoken to be since. Oh well!

ficbia Wed 29-Jun-16 14:50:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slugsinmygarden Wed 29-Jun-16 14:57:26

I think it's quite a natural feeling when someone moves on, especially if the ex is the first one to move on (no matter how the relationship ended).

I find, on FB, those who go on and on about how happy they are and how great they DP is, tend to be the ones who break up first, or have a unhappy relationship behind the scenes.

Could it be that he's over compensating?

I also want to point out, I talk to my ex from time to time, and all I will ever tell him is how great my life is. But that's a whole other issue

springydaffs Wed 29-Jun-16 15:23:42

Smug bastard.

The mothering stuff is especially seen as drudgery bcs our culture doesn't value it. My kids are grown and gone now but oh how much I would give to have just one day with them again. he doesn't get that, just 4 days a month. Yy it's great gadding about but I know which I'd prefer out of the two options. Don't know if that's too rose -tinted bit is how I feel, anyway.

And if my late 30s friends are anything to go by she may be longing for what you have.

Try to blank out his smug bastardness. I doubt it reflects what's really going on. Even if it does, there's a limit to playing.

springydaffs Wed 29-Jun-16 15:24:44

grin slugs

RhubarnAndCustard Wed 29-Jun-16 15:26:15

Thank you for making me laugh, and for helping me understand I'm not a complete loon to feel / think this way (… knowing about the numerous romantic holidays doesn't really help… I have resisted his social media accounts at all cost to avoid having my nose totally rubbed in).

I would love to be able to be as smug as he is being...

slugsinmygarden Wed 29-Jun-16 16:12:02

No one likes a smug bastard Rhubarn, don't stoop to his level grin

TheNaze73 Wed 29-Jun-16 16:45:32

Smug twat! flowers

Why did you split & why is the fact she's 43 relevant?

RhubarnAndCustard Wed 29-Jun-16 17:23:51

Her age isn't relevant, no - I didn't think when I typed that. I've just been used to describing her to my friends as 'gorgeous, never married, 43' - force of habit

Savagebeauty Wed 29-Jun-16 17:33:33

I initiated our divorce and ex has never forgiven me. He never fails to tell me that he "provided" during the marriage and smugly mentions his millions.
However the kids see through him...know he won't even pay half for their school trips or other things...and the fact that he keeps telling me he has never been happier, means he isn't.
He is a bitter man, who will end up alone.
It IS hard to meet someone but I did it at 55. Quite unexpectedly. And we gave a wonderful future together ( another thing ex can't stand..I have a proper relationship and he has a (younger) fwb)

HotNatured Wed 29-Jun-16 17:46:38

Eugh I knew someone would come on here and suggest that the OP's exH's new partner might be jealous or 'longing' for what the OP has. Not all women in their late 30s / early 40s are jealous or 'longing' for what women with children and families have. It's so insulting to suggest this. Pls stop doing it. How would you feel if I told you that no, we are absolutely NOT jealous of your lives! I can't think of anything worse than the drudgery and boredom of having children. Why put the exH's partner down like this? It's not necessary and makes you seem bitter and bitchy.

Good luck OP, you sound v sensible and I'm sure things will work out for you.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 29-Jun-16 18:19:08

I met someone lovely after I separated and I have no free time!

Mycatsabastard Wed 29-Jun-16 18:39:56

Slightly from the other side but when dp's wife left him he was on his own for a long time, had their dd an awful lot while she went off on weekends away and met someone new. She very happily dragged the new man round to his house so they could meet (why, we don't know but 'smuggish smug shit' seems appropriate) and she was all happy and loved up and dd was left with dp more and more.

Then dp met me and I think she was truly put out. He held a party for me on my last day visiting before flying home (lots of friends we both had, my family and some of his) and she turned up uninvited with a jacket for her dd (in a heatwave) in case she needed it. Made a huge point of waltzing into the house and telling everyone about her wonderful new man and how much money he has etc and then came back out into the garden where I was sat with some friends to say 'Oh! I'm SO sorry to interrupt your party'. I just plastered a smile on my face and said nothing.

Four years on I'm not sure all is well with her and the new wonderful man. Dp and I are very happy though.

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