Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
To feel like an absolute fool(4 Posts)
I feel like a fool for letting him convince me that there wasn't/isn't anyone else, though deep down I always thought I was right.
As I wrote in a previous thread, partner of five years left me three months ago when I was nearly three months pregnant with a planned baby. He started a new job in January, we found out I was pregnant in early February, he was very excited and happy and keen to celebrate and then started acting weird for about two weeks in the middle of March during which he claimed that he had been feeling down and unsure of things but that he was gonna speak to someone to get his head sorted, that he loved me and the baby, there was nobody else etc. A few days later, he came home in tears, told me he didn't feel the same and he was sorry, that he would support the baby and that was it. My life has been a complete car crash ever since.
Since he's left, he's said and done some really nasty and horrible things and accepts no responsibility as in his eyes, along with those who he's been feeding his lies to, he hasn't done anything wrong. I've suspected there's someone else involved as about a week before he said things were bothering him, I noticed a girl from work that he'd become friends with messaging him while he was actually at work (I used to watch tv on his tablet in bed on my days off at home and it would show when someone messaged him) and I did mention it but he just said that they'd been organising lunch and had to message cos they worked on different floors. Saying it now I realise how stupid it sounds and I wish to God I'd read those messages and when I actually went to the following day, I realised he'd logged out of everything which he'd never done before and said it was so that I wouldn't disturb me with notifications...again so stupid.
Having done so much reading of threads on here and other sites, I've come to realise how many of the things he's said and done have fitted into the typical 'script' that comes from these situations, such as i love you but not in that way, he was unhappy for years, saying he was confused when we were trying for a baby, denying he was happy about the baby, and then there's his increasingly angry, hostile and unreasonable behaviour, being cruel and uncaring and portraying me to be the bad guy whilst acting as though he's the good guy because, in his sisters words, 'he's gonna come to scans and pay maintenance for the baby,' among other ridiculous things. In the time he's been gone he's spent the majority of his time with the other girl and her friends, claiming that he spends just as much time with them as her, that they're all really good friends (in such a short space of time?!' and had the audacity to continue to deny it and get angry at me over for thinking it when he informed he was going on holiday with her and her friends around the time that I'm due to give birth.
I didn't want to believe it as he was adamant that there was nothing going on from the start though I doubted him greatly, and it's only from recently turning my Facebook back on and seeing that his sister is now friends with this girl has just made it all the more obvious. I don't necessarily believe they were 'together' when we were and think that his justification of it will be that they didn't get together until a while after, and it drives me absolutely nuts, especially as his family seem so accepting of it all, he has a baby on the way for god sake!
I'm now so full of anger and sorrow and fear, not only for being taken for a fool, but for the fact that he's made me out to be a bad guy and that I'll have to let this person be near my child, a child he told me to get rid of. It tears me up inside to know these things and that I'm still gonna somehow in the wrong, no matter what I do.
Sorry ladies, just needed to get that out and hopefully hear some helpful words.
Hello loulou. Firstly, let me give you a massive virtual hug
I'll start by saying the same thing has recently happened to me...
Going through hard times, get to 20 week scan, get told he doesn't want to be with me anymore, two weeks later he announces he's seeing someone else. Asked why and got told "I don't love you anymore, you're just my kids Mum"
I don't want to upset you but I didn't want to read and run...I had my baby 4 weeks ago and they're still together...
The only reason I say this is I know how hard it is and not trying to turn your thread into mine but I have had 6 months now of wondering what went wrong and would he come back, until I realised I no longer cared.
It's hard to listen to and believe...but I promise it will get better, you just have to focus now on you and baby!
He hasn't taken you for a fool, he is the fool for the choices he has made and whilst you will show nothing but love for the baby, he will have to live with this, on his conscience, for the rest of his life...I wouldn't enjoy that feeling!
Don't torture yourself with facebook please! The day he told me, I blocked him (and her for good measure) and told all my friends and family I didn't want to hear a single thing about them - this has helped massively.
I still had to see my ex as we already had a child together but I don't communicate with him now unless a) he asks about them b) I have to tell him something important about the kids. Effectively I have cut him off.
I say this because if you want to feel better about this - you need to come away from him completely hun. Leave it to him to contact you re midwife appts, he walked out - why should you provide this info, you're not his PA.
Unless you really want him back (but I hope you don't as personally I could never trust/forgive someone who had walked out on me at such a vulnerable time.)
Please don't torture yourself with the what ifs and if only I could make him see what he's missing out on...it's shitty but men see this as weak anyway. I did it and totally regret it now - I should have just told him to go f*ck himself! Who thinks it is acceptable to walk out on pregnant partners...pft.
I know it's hard, so early but you need to find your angry spot and keep him there and start doing things that make you happy.
Inbox me if you need someone to talk to xx
clashofclanswidow Thank you so much, virtual hugs greatly appreciated!
I'm so sorry something similar happened to you, especially when you already had a child, that's even more unforgivable I think. You're clearly incredibly strong, I honestly have no idea how I'd cope if I already had a little one to look after.
That's the thing I haven't been, I deactivated it not long after he left cos I didn't wanna see anything, including just general happy things haha, and then turned it back on yesterday for the first time in over a month and that was the first thing I saw, among other upsetting things. I just immediately turned it back off; he's done such a good job of making me into the bad guy by saying that he doesn't think it's his baby etc that his family and friends believe that nothing he's doing is wrong.
He has been cut off and even in the beginning, after we had the first scan, he still didn't wanna know about any midwife appointments, any information about the baby, when kicking started etc and wasn't present at the 20 week scan, as he was banned from contacting me by my dad due to he and his family's behaviour, and he has no idea to this day that we're having a son. I haven't spoken to him in well over a month as the last time I did, he played me for an absolute idiot and manipulated me.
I just cannot understand how people can genuinely believe he's done nothing wrong after what he's said and done, it just disgusts me and I really do feel like a fool after having realised how by the book his actions have been.
I try not to, just so much genuinely baffles me like I said, and apparently I'm responsible because I 'should have made sure he was ready'...obviously when your partner of five years tells you he wants to start a family, happily tries for one and comes along to appointments and shopping for vitamins etc without complaint and then spends time celebrating and sharing the news, that's not enough.
I think it's just the fact that in a few months time I'm gonna have to deal with him, this family and the bullshit that comes with it. I haven't been granted the respect of being told there's someone else and I doubt I ever will be, in that respect at least. It's the fact that he's only known her since January for god sake, it's just ridiculous.
I don't want him or his family anywhere near my baby and I just cannot get over the fact that he told me to get rid of the baby, especially as it turns out he has someone else, it's just sick and over everything else that he's done I will never be able to forgive him for that. I just really don't know how I'll cope having this woman anywhere near my child either, not to mention the rest of them.
Thank you so much for your kind words, they're really appreciated.
Bumping to see if there's anyone else about who's had to deal with being played by someone they thought they knew, or has any advice in dealing with children and the OW...
Join the discussion
Please login first.