Anyone managed to bring marriage back from brink of divorce?

[GlenBelt]

Hi, looking for people's experience of making their marriage work when they have been close to splitting. I'm pretty sure we're on the road to divorce as we just seem stuck in this tit for tat cycle we can't seem to break.

Bit of background that I think is relevant; together since teenagers for 12 years. 2 children, dc1 died 2015 and dc2 is a baby Looking back dh has had one substance abuse problem or other since beginning, the last 6 years being alcohol in which he run up £4000 debt I've had to help pay off. Made him go to doctors recently due to drinking and depression after having begged several years (he often stops drinking long enough for me to think he's making a change), he now mostly has a few beers one day a week and is seeing a counsellor. I'm not sure whether it's too little too late.

We argue about everything, if I express a differing opinion he thinks I'm doing it to cause a problem. Conversations decend into petty squabbles where I try to get my point across, he talks over me then I get annoyed and my tone of voice changes, then he name calls and I reciprocate. We start off with one issue which then ends up about several others and we get in a terrible mess. Sometimes we have a lovely time and I think there's hope but they're getting few and far between.

Main issue is he says I'm always negative and bring up money spending and alcohol all the time despite him making massive changes. I get that but I say to him he has to understand when he buys drink when he says he won't he's breaking his promise and it's going to take a long time to build my trust. He just doesn't get it.

Any idea how to discuss things like adults, should we try relationship counselling (if we can find the money) has anyone tried writing down instead of discussing (is that a stupid idea?) thought maybe it would keep us on track, less misunderstanding or 'no you didn't say that'/'yes I did' arguments.

Where on earth do I start?!

[Lostandlonely1979]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss

Counselling would probably help in your particular situation. It sounds like you need a mediator to help you phrase your feelings more consisely without it descending into squabbles. I would guess there's an awful lot that your OH hasn't dealt with, - at the risk of stereotyping - if he's your typical male.

[pollyblack]

I was going to come on and say yes it is possible. But your partners issues are bigger than what I was facing so it's hard to say. You know you can't fix him, and his problems aren't going to go away, no matter how well he is doing, so I guess you have to decide if it's worth it for you. If you're not getting on or liking each other then what is holding you together?

I would definitely try counselling together first.

[GlenBelt]

Typical male in that it's 'weak' to talk about feelings in his opinion, bottles things upnand uses alcohol as his outlet. It's just so confusing as on paper things have vastly improved, I think it's only now that we realise how much it has all taken a toll on our marriage. In my mind I've given it 6 months before I make a decision about splitting.

I love him and want nothing more than a happy family life but I think I'm holding onto a lot of resentment which fuels petty annoyances, I feel angry that I have had to hold everyone up and keep everything going when all I wanted was to be looked after. Thing is I honestly feel like usually it is him that starts the arguments with the way he speaks to me, he says the same about me, maybe I don't even realise it.

Was hoping to try other approaches first as we don't really have the money for counselling. I just don't know how to let go the years of stress and believe that he is changing.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

It's possible when you're dealing with two people who are willing to put the marriage first, and willing to treat each other with respect.

I don't think your husband fits that description.

He has already shown you several times that he will not fundamentally change, only cosmetically and only for the short time required to convince you to stay. Addicts rarely change, their addiction comes before their relationships. As your husband's inevitable return to drinking has shown you, several times now.

Then there's the name calling, and his belief that you aren't entitled to your own view. I see fundamental lack of respect in that. There's also no way to save a marriage that has insufficient respect.

[GlenBelt]

I do feel like he is making positive changes in some ways but not others. He never would have considered counselling or talking things through and he does seem to be trying to discuss more. I'm partly to blame as he has always been 'abrasive' in his demeanour but I used to let it slide, now I'm challenging it and he doesn't get why. I'm embarrassed to admit that our relationship has come to this. As an example, this is a shortened version of our argument this morning;
DH: Can you pay this bill I'd forgotten about today
Me: Yeah that's fine
DH: Don't do it online though
Me: Why? I don't want to traipse into town with baby on a 30 min round trip when it's slinging it down when I can just pay it online
DH: Because I've asked you to (then a back and forth of him saying this and me asking but why)
Me: But why, it makes no bloody sense. It's just ridiculous
DH: What are you doing today anyway, you'll only be watching tv. You said you wanted to lose weight anyway
Me: Don't even dare make out like I do nothing.....
It descended into shouting then and he left saying I'd ruined his morning. Maybe I should have just done as he'd asked, maybe I am being difficult but I just feel like he feels I should do as he says because he 'says so'. Am I in the wrong??

Oh my god, reading it back I feel like we're just two squabbling children. It's going to be a long hard road, I just hope we can make it work.

[layladomino]

You can pull a marriage back, if both people want it equally and are willing to put in equal and sustained effort.

I don't think from your descriptions that he will though.

Honestly? In your position I would start taking steps to separate. Where addiction is concerned you never really know when it's going to rear its head again.

Also, after what you've put up with (including the addiction and debt) he should be grateful you're still around, but instead he gives you orders and suggests you don't do anything???

You deserve better.

[olympicsrock]

I pulled back marriage back from the brink with an ultimatum for change.

In this example he is refusing to communicate ( WHY??) and enforcing his will without an explanation. Why should you follow his instructions blindly. He then lashed out as challenged. To be honest he was being a dick....

[twoandeights]

Well to be honest he’s been totally unreasonable. What difference does it make if you pay it online? Next time just do what you want and tell him after. I don’t understand why unless he was deliberately trying to get you out of the house and why couldn’t he pay the bill?

[SweetBabyCheeses99]

Sorry I think it’s gone too far. 12 years of being an addict of some kind, 6 years of being an alcoholic and £4k of debt on booze?!

That thing about him trying to make you pay a bill in person raises some red flags for me…there’s a reason he either didn’t want you to go online and/or he wanted to get you out of the house. I expect he probably wanted a drink. And how awful to make you feel like you needed the exercise!

That’s not an argument and you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re getting drawn into these “squabbles” because of his consistently unreasonable behaviour. Get out now whilst your baby is still small enough to be unaffected by this.

[CheekyHobson]

Any idea how to discuss things like adults

Well, the first thing you need is two people who can communicate in an adult way.

I'm not being funny, I'm completely serious. If one of the two people involved is truly not capable of discussing things in an adult way, even if the other person is, there is no chance that you can have a genuinely adult discussion.

From the conversation you posted above, it really doesn't seem that your husband is capable of communicating in an adult way.

"I want you to go to the bank to pay the bill because I asked you to " isn't an actual reason, which is why you can't make sense of it or accept it.

"I want you to go to the bank to pay the bill because I'd like to sink some beers or do something else you won't like while you're out of the house" is an actual reason, and probably close to the truth, but your husband won't say that for obvious reasons.

Given you can't make someone who isn't willing to or capable of communicating like an adult do so, the only choice you have is to refuse to communicate with your husband unless he does so in an adult way.

DH: Can you pay this bill I'd forgotten about today
Me: Yeah that's fine
DH: Don't do it online though
Me: Why? I don't want to traipse into town with baby on a 30 min round trip when it's slinging it down when I can just pay it online
DH: Because I've asked you to (then a back and forth of him saying this and me asking but why)
Me: I'm afraid that just makes no sense. Unless you can give me a reason that makes sense, I'm going to pay it online.
DH: What are you doing today anyway, you'll only be watching tv. You said you wanted to lose weight anyway
Me: I already told you I don't want to walk into town, so I'd appreciate it if you don't try to use shame to manipulate me. If you want me to pay the bill, I'm happy to do it online. Otherwise do it yourself.