Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

BF gets annoyed with my exP and my (lack of reaction)

(19 Posts)
Tearsoffrustration Wed 29-Jun-16 06:59:29

My Ex is rubbish at being on time & always changing plans at the last minute, he was like this the 13 years we were together - infact that's the way his whole family is.

This means he is often late to collect our DC (a time agreed in mediation) this doesn't bother me too much because it means I get more time with DC - however as my BF points out this is not quality time as I can't make any plans because I don't know exactly what time pick up will be.

BF gets annoyed that I don't comment to EXP that he is late or ask him why. I don't see the point he's not going to change his behaviour for me now.

Yesterday EXP asked if we could change the plans for the weekend which meant I got DC for an extra day. So me and BF discussed what we would do on the weekend - he was a bit put out because we had to change our plans slightly.

So this morning I got a msg from Ex saying he has to pick up DC on normal day just later now because he forgot there is a family birthday.

My first thought was argh BF is going to be moaning about this now and if I don't comment on it will also moan about that.

I'd prefer to keep things as amicable as possible with exp for DC sake and let most of the stuff he does go over my head, but then I get BF saying should say something.


Fairylea Wed 29-Jun-16 07:07:18

I think you should say something. It's very controlling of your ex to be like this, it means you can't make a life of your own as you can't make proper plans to do things. It means he is the one with control. I definitely think you need to put your foot down.

I had a similar issue with my ex (been separated 12 years now).

I can see why your BF is annoyed, it's very irritating to never be able to keep to plans.

mummytime Wed 29-Jun-16 07:40:14

I was going to come on and say I find your BF a bit controlling. How long have you been together?

MrsBertBibby Wed 29-Jun-16 07:42:42

BF needs to back off and give you some support. All the stern words in the world won't make an inconsiderate shit of an ex change his ways.

NapQueen Wed 29-Jun-16 07:44:52

Neither of them sound great to be honest. Whilst flexibility is great when to comes to shared parenting this sort of arrangement is crap! If there is a family birthday why doesn't he take his kids to it? You know, his family?

And your BF well it's all well and good having to change plans slightly but he is with you and you have kids and a bit of give and take is necessary.

springydaffs Wed 29-Jun-16 11:55:19

Aw come on pp's, the bf isn't controlling to be pissed off that ex is always late. Lateness pisses most people off.

Have you explained to your bf that you have to choose your battles with ex. ime if I let ex know something pissed me off he'd do it all the more, delighted he'd found something that hit the spot.

Perhaps your bf is wet behind the ears about the conflicts between ex partners when there's a split and kids are involved. Whatever, you need to keep things calm for everyone's sake. And bf is just going to have to stuck it up as part of the package, as irritating as that is.

Mrskeats Wed 29-Jun-16 12:30:56

Of course say something
And next time he's late go out
If there are consequences he may think twice
Surely it's not fair on your child either to be hanging about waiting? What sort of message is that about the behaviour of adults?

Nivea101 Wed 29-Jun-16 12:55:19

I too think you should say something it's not fair on you or your partner's plans and even more so it's not fair on your child to be waiting around. I agree with Mrskeats next time he is late go out.

tornandhurt Wed 29-Jun-16 13:10:01

I agree with some of the previous comments. The lateness thing would bug the hell out of me so I can see where you bf is coming from. However, I think you're better placed speaking to xdp in terms of how this is unfair to your child. It doesn't need to be an argument, simply a "you've been a little unreliable in terms of timings and changing plans. Although I'm really happy we can communicate amicably to make arrangements concerning our daughter, I think its unreasonable for her to cope with not knowing when or if you're coming to collect her. So, can we please sit down and try to agree something that is achievable long term so everyone knows what's happening?"

SandyY2K Wed 29-Jun-16 13:27:18

I agree with your BF.

Your ex needs to be on time. Alternatively can you drop DC off to him to ensure its on your schedule.

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 29-Jun-16 13:27:24

I think your BF needs to understand that having children requires a degree of flexibility. Contact will have to change occasionally, whether it's due to sickness, work, family events, school plays or whatever. He can't expect contact to be exactly the same every week for the rest of time.

However I don't think it's very fair on your ex to be late all the time. He has a commitment to his son and barring traffic or an emergency, he needs to buck up and be there on time. When he's late, your son is missing out on time with his dad and it's impacting on your child-free time and on your life as well.

You need to speak to your ex and tell him to address the lateness, but it's important for your DP to realise that contact with a young child can't be that rigid. Parenting requires flexibility, especially with smaller children who need the parents to organise contact.

ClopySow Wed 29-Jun-16 13:39:05

I'd be massively pissed off if i was your boyfriend. His free time is based around your flakey ex.

springydaffs Wed 29-Jun-16 14:08:10

You need to speak to your ex and tell him to address the lateness

From what op had said, she's very probably had that convo 1000 times to no avail.

Msqueen33 Wed 29-Jun-16 14:12:34

To be fair I think I'd be a bit put out if it happened all the time. Yes there are times when you need to be flexible and change bits around but if it's every time I'd get quite annoyed. I'm not sure i would be happy sat around waiting for him to chose a time to show up.

Tearsoffrustration Wed 29-Jun-16 17:43:28

So I msg ex back & said I had made plans for the extra time with DC and once again I'll change my plans to suit him & he text me back 'thanks' so you can see what I'm up against

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 29-Jun-16 17:46:39

Could you switch tactics and refuse to change time? If he's not there by x-time, go out. Maybe he won't piss you about if the end result is not seeing his DC.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 29-Jun-16 17:54:20

Can you not speak to your ex and tell him that his lateness is sending a negative message to your DC. He should be there on time, looking forward to spending time with DC not having them waiting!

I hate lateness.

BlueFolly Wed 29-Jun-16 18:09:47

Thing is, if the lateness isn't really bothering you OP, then I agree with you that you shouldn't say anything. I too have an ex that won't change his behaviour, and I know that banging my head against a brick wall won't help anybody.

A bad relationship with your ex will impact on your DC, so given that the lateness isn't really bothering you, I think your current BF is the one who needs to back off.

balence49 Wed 29-Jun-16 21:23:28

My ex is like this. Typical convo, I say what time are you coming for her? He chooses time, usually lunch time. He still rocks up a hour or two late if at all as if nothing is wrong. Hence he has never once done a school run.
Iv been working on this issue. Can you please be here by 10 because Iv things to do. I wait till 1030 then I go out and if he's not there he misses out. The situation has improved loads. I'm sure he thinks I'm a unreasonable bitch but hey just add it to the list of my other issues he has with me. At least I get to enjoy my day. And actually have some plans.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now