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Do I dump my friend?

(35 Posts)
RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 18:57:11

Ooh boy where to start.

I have this friend, I've known her for a decade - when we met she seemed pretty self-centered and talked about herself for hours, I figured she was insecure (it was an occasion where she was being introduced to several new people at once) but - well, it's ten years later and not much has changed.

She constantly has to project that she knows best for everyone - you know those people who see a tiny 2% slice of your life and think they know exactly what's going on in the other 98%? It's that. There's no such thing as a conversation with her - she always just sticks an opinion where the listening part of a conversation usually is, when it's clear she hasn't heard a thing you've said.

In the past I've tried to brush this off as her being quite 'solution orientated' when it comes to her friends' problems, but it's become clear it's way more than that. When mutual friends with mental health issues disagree with her it's 'because of their depression' or because their 'mental health is giving them a tough time' - not because she might be wrong.

Recently I had a spat with my boyfriend, which at the time was one of several ongoing spats - she told to get on with it because it was 'getting boring now' when I listened to her all the way through a months-long break-up when she was my age.

I know I'm not the only person who feels this way about her, but everything is on eggshells - if you tell her how you feel (if, on the off-chance she listens to you), she'll say I'm overreacting, or that she's too exhausted to hear it now she has children, or that we're ganging up on her, or etc, etc.

She constantly seems to want to tell me where she thinks I'm going wrong in my life, but tells me at the same time that she's 'the friend who tries to build you up' - it doesn't seem very supportive to deliberately, constantly make someone feel smaller and less secure than you?? She recently ignored me when I said I didn't want to talk about something, pushed me until she had a very partial picture, and then dismissed my feelings as 'fighting' her on it without letting me talk in detail about what was wrong in the first place. I've really just had it I think.

A mutual friend says she's scared of people not needing her anymore, and needs to put people down or just steamroller over their feelings to feel validated - but that doesn't feel like it has lasting friendship written in it to me. If I told her that, I know she'd drag out everything she feels she's done for me and why I should be grateful, without listening, again.

Sorry that was quite long. What do you think? Am I overreacting? do I owe her at least an attempt at an explanation even though she'd drag my name through the mud with everyone I know whilst pretending to be concerned for me? Maybe she's so blind she really would just feel betrayed without understanding that for the last decade she's really been a bit of a self-obsessed dickhead? It would be a cold day in hell before she acknowledged how hurtful she could be, it would be my fault for being 'too sensitive' or 'taking it the wrong way' - Argh.

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Jun-16 18:58:39

I couldn't be bothered with her at all. Can't you just freeze her out?

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:02:43

I know I can be difficult too by the way. I'm not a saint by any means

SoleBizzz Tue 28-Jun-16 19:03:16

Do you have mutual friends? Can you tell her you are ending your friendship with her by text?

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:03:35

Not really, we have a lot of mutual friends and I'd hate to lose them over it, I really value those friendships. It's just that the older and happier I get, the more toxic she seems, does that make sense?

SoleBizzz Tue 28-Jun-16 19:07:12

Oh awkward. Do you meet your mutual friends with this toxic friend?

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:07:47

(One of those mutual friends said she was classic narcissist the other day so I know it isn't just me - narcissist seems a bit harsh though - it's more that everything her friends do has to be a mirror for her own stuff)

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:08:14

Yes, whenever we get together we're all usually there sad

Letmehaveausername Tue 28-Jun-16 19:14:00

I'm struggling with the fact that you've been friends with her for 10 years if shes always been the way you've said. I ditch friends within a month if they repeatedly act like cunts.

Can you just not speak to her? Nothing too obvious but hide her on fb (if you have it) but not unfriend her, don't read pms and not reply to texts/calls and if you have to just tell her you've been very busy and can't chat just now?

If you're meeting up with other friends while she's there be polite and civil but distant, don't engage with her if you don't need to etc.

SoleBizzz Tue 28-Jun-16 19:14:05

I'm not sure but aren't tgere different types of Narcissists?

So you have recieved a comment from a mutual friend about her. I think if you trust this mutual friend you need to tell her how you feel. How you find it awkward and how will your friendships continue etc. You coukd come up with a plan.

SoleBizzz Tue 28-Jun-16 19:14:56

OP may have been lonely and feeling vulnerable when they met?

Letmehaveausername Tue 28-Jun-16 19:19:08

For what it's worth too, I can be very self centred. If I'm talking to someone, even family, I tend to talk about my life and my kids because I've very little else relevant to say.

However if whoever I'm talking to is upset/has a problem/needs advice or just want someone to listen to then I shut up, I listen and I offer any advice I think they may need (if they're looking for advice).

It's not a "I'm more important than everyone else thing" it's just a "I'm a social hermit and have no idea how to interact with people" thing. I'm very socially dysfunctional but I honestly don't mean to be.

(This post being case and point, I've not meant to make it about me but speaking about myself is the only way I felt able to relate or give any sort of reply that might help).

Either way it sounds a bad situation to be in and I really hope you can find a way around it that doesn't involve your name being dragged through the mud by someone who very obviously isn't your friend. Friends don't put each other down or make each other feel irrational when you're trying to explain how you feel.

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:20:21

letmehave I've been way too scared of her for the last ten years to bring up that I actually really dislike how she treats me. I know that's incredibly pathetic and I am working on it - but the power dynamics with other people she doesn't perceive as vulnerable are really different. And really noticeable, she listens to them and doesn't argue with them in public and backs down if she knows she isn't going to change their opinion.

SoleBizzz Tue 28-Jun-16 19:21:39

She has no respect for you.

Letmehaveausername Tue 28-Jun-16 19:27:31

You shouldn't have to deal with that, you shouldn't be scared of someone else.

She may think you're vulnerable but that doesn't make you it. I can't comment on how strong you are after all your life experiences but I can definitely say that you are strong. You may not feel it, but anyone who can put up with someone like that for 10+ years has an incredible strength in my eyes.

If she's having a go at you, or making you feel small or just generally putting you down and telling you that you're wrong, just remember that is her opinion, not the truth, not what everyone else things. And if you get the courage smile sweetly at her and thank her for her words, but you don't agree with them.

Or better yet, kill her with kindness grin Every bad word she says to you smile sweetly and go oh, I didn't realise you had that opinion, thank you so much for sharing. She won't be able to pick it apart, but at the same time should get the very clear picture that you don't give a fuck what she says

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:28:31

Yeah i think it's taken me a long time to get that but I am getting it now - one of the things our mutual friend said was that she felt she could talk down to me because she didn't see me as an equal. That makes me so sad, I've been through so much shit in my life and come out determined and grateful and seemingly pretty well-liked by our peers actually, so how am I not her equal?

Letmehaveausername Tue 28-Jun-16 19:29:38

And it's not pathetic either btw, sometimes people can grind you down so much that even the thought of saying hello to them can be terrifying flowers

Letmehaveausername Tue 28-Jun-16 19:34:13

You're not her equal, you do not put others down, you don't have to belittle someone in order to feel good about yourself, from what you've said you've been through a lot and still come out a decent enough person to have maintained friends/made friends and you clearly care about other people and making sure they have support when they need it.

She on the other hand is nasty, petty and self obsessed, has an inferiority complex by the sounds of it and generally doesn't give a crap about others.

You're in no way her equal because she's no where near as mentally mature. It is her who is acting like a kid back in high school, you who is acting like a grown adult. That puts you ahead of her, not the other way around

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:34:18

I'm just so fed up of being talked down to. I'm not always (in fact, not usually) looking for advice, just a listening ear from a friend who doesn't make me feel like I'm wasting her time with any and all of my thoughts.

RivieraKid Tue 28-Jun-16 19:35:22

Thank you so much letmehave - I'm only just realising how much our whole friendship had knocked my confidence into the dust xxx

SoleBizzz Tue 28-Jun-16 19:46:44

There are so many people like this around. Scarey.

AbyssinianBanana Tue 28-Jun-16 20:00:37

But why would you unload your feelings to a woman you know isn't really your friend and looks down on you? If you don't share, she can't "advise". Maybe look at how your mutual friends keep her at arm's length and practice their techniques.

JessicaRabbit3 Tue 28-Jun-16 20:20:43

She sounds toxic op. I had a friend like this, we no longer speak. I tried to hard with her but it was on her terms. she disliked my DH because his DSis was friends with a girl who ran off with her old BF when's he was 18. She questioned why I was getting married, didn't want me to get married that month as she wanted it, questioned me having a child with my DH. Looking back I think she was actually pretty jealous of my lifestyle although she would point out everything she had bought price tag included as she was a teacher so could afford the finer things. Real friends support each other. Her long term BF actually broke up with her and is with someone else he genuinely seem so much happier for it judging by his fb posts.

BerylStreep Tue 28-Jun-16 20:33:24

I'd cut off all contact tbh. You don't need anyone like that in your life. If you lose mutual friends in the process, then so be it.

I've cut people like that out of my life before, and it was a massive relief.

Letmehaveausername Tue 28-Jun-16 21:13:51

Sorry to have disappeared, a pigeon with a broken wing came along :s

But you're definitely worth more than that, don't let her take any more of your confidence (and I know that's easier said than done). I promise you're worth a lot more than that and definitely deserve a lot more too. If you can, cut contact down in the very least. You'll probably notice a big difference in your confidence and self esteem if you do.

And failing that, come here and have a rant, we're all happy to listen flowers

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