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23 and in sexless relationship?!

(19 Posts)
Exploretheunexplored23 Tue 28-Jun-16 16:41:38

Hello everyone , my first post! Long time lurker though.

I have been with dp (22) for 5 years, living together for the last 2.5. Sex was frequent in first year of the relationship but has dwindled down to once every 4-6 weeks for the last two years. This is mainly down to dp not wanting to have sex, he always either needs a shower, too tired, too self conscious or not in the mood. We have both put on weight over the last 5 years but I still find him attractive, the weight doesn't bother me in the slightest and he says he does find my body attractive still.

In fairness to him, he Is a tradesman so he can be scruffy and tired when he gets back but my argument is why can't he shower after work rather than in the morning?

More of a moan really...I don't have anyone I can talk to about it.. We talk about it but he basically says it's because he doesn't feel attractive.. I don't know how I can change this, I complement him everyday and come on to him a few times a week in hopes he might be up for it..

We have a good emotional connection, we cuddle and kiss and he is truly my best friend but I can't help but mourn the sex life I feel we should be having at our age! It makes me feel sad.

Can someone either give me a boot up the arse or some advice?

Mov1ngOn Tue 28-Jun-16 16:43:15

It's far to young to give up on a sex life. Does he talk about it with you? Would he see a Dr?

adora1 Tue 28-Jun-16 17:18:21

What is going on today, with all these sexless men, sorry OP but he doesn't seem to want to improve, change, meet you half way?

If he works in construction he should have a shower as soon as he gets home, that's rank.

Not sure what else you can do, I'd not settle for this even at my age and I'm a lot older! You need to be with someone who enjoys sex, sounds like he doesn't even like it.

PastoralCare Tue 28-Jun-16 17:28:35

You cannot not want sex as a healthy man in your 20's. In fact you really need it if not it physically hurts after a week.

So the options are, without holding back so be prepared not to like what you will read.

-he's gone off you (the you find him attractive is of no consequence to him)
-he's seeing someone else
-he's too self conscious and therefore masturbates when he showers
-he'd like to, but something happen (bad sex, argument, money problems...) and that's preventing from having sex
-premature ejaculation and loss of face
-something is wrong and he can't fix it


-the usual dressing up/sexy dinner etc... if he doesn't respond, then go into a mild, non-accusatory conversation as to what's going on.

-talk about any fantasies/fetishes he might have, again, casually, non-judgementally. Be open to anything he might say. He might respond to something, so perhaps you could "give it a try". If he seems nonplussed then it's something more serious.

Men hate inquisitions so, you need to lay the ground and be as non-judgemental and welcoming as possible.

Try talking about it hypothetically or finding similar situation in other couples you know and ask how he would fix it.

It may take weeks for him to open up.

lemon101 Tue 28-Jun-16 17:37:02


so - me and my dp have had many years of dwindling sex being an issue. I was really unhappy about this, him less so. I was so unhappy about it that we went to couples therapy as an attempt to save the marriage. It did save the marriage (weirdly because the therapist actually told us at the end we should probably break up), but it didn't really solve the sex issue, other than we were both less angry about it.
Long story short - a year later things go way downhill and actually my dh starts getting erectile dysfunction and this makes me feel even more like he doesn't really find me attractive etc. In addition to this he feels tired all the time and his mood is low etc etc. We ended up going to the doctor with it and we found out he has hypogonadism (basically he isn't producing any testosterone) so now he's on testosterone supplements. Its a bit early to see the effects totally (only been on it for a week), but we did have sex for the first time in 6 months the other day (no erectile dysfunction), so it does seem to be working.

I'm not saying it is that - but it is worth bearing in mind that it could be something biological and not that he just doesn't find you attractive anymore/doesn't care etc etc.

TheNaze73 Tue 28-Jun-16 17:39:50

Sorry, you shouldn't be in a sexless relationship at that age. It's wrong. Talk to him, is he worried at work, or have potential baby issues.
At 23, it should be a nightly occurrence, not once every 6 weeks.
Maybe he suggests some self help, if he's that conscious

candybar007 Tue 28-Jun-16 17:56:26

Your man has problems, time for a trip to the doctor I reckon.

PotteringAlong Tue 28-Jun-16 17:58:28

Honestly? I'd talk about it but if it couldn't be fixed I would leave at the age of 23. It's not going to improve

OutsiderInTheGarden Tue 28-Jun-16 18:13:11

Sorry, but saying that it's abnormal or not healthy for a young man to not want sex is just rubbish. There are people who choose to be in asexual relationships, or who see themselves as asexual beings. Yes, it is less common so might make him unusual, but it is not abnormal or unhealthy. It's also rubbish to say you should be having sex nightly, or X times per week. That kind of expectation isn't going to help this situation. If he's unhappy about the current situation, then there is a problem. Obviously you're not happy, so it's a problem for you already. You are very young (I've assumed OP is similar in age to her partner) and I'm guessing because you met very young that you both had few sexual partners, or none at all, before getting together. Might it just be the case that you're not that sexually compatible, and it's only now coming to light? It's not that unusual for one person in a relationship to have a higher sex drive than another. But if I was you I would try to get to the bottom of whether there is a fundamental disconnect in your attitudes to sex and its role in a healthy, happy relationship. Sex is more important to some than others, and for some people it's just not critical to a relationship. I'd also be looking at possible esteem and mental gealth issues with your OH; is he possibly depressed? Depression is well known to reduce sex drive.

adora1 Tue 28-Jun-16 18:17:46

Less common? Rare I'd say!

How is it rubbish, most 23 year old males DO want sex, he's not abnormal but the situation is!

TheNaze73 Tue 28-Jun-16 18:22:05

Well said adora

OutsiderInTheGarden Tue 28-Jun-16 18:22:41

Yes, most do. But some do not. So it's not fair or accurate to say that it's unhealthy or abnormal to not want sex. Would we be saying it is abnormal or unhealthy for a 23 year old woman to not want sex frequently? I think our response is likely to be quite different if the roles were reversed.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Tue 28-Jun-16 18:30:36

it physically hurts after a week

Bollocks! Have a wank then

user1465823522 Tue 28-Jun-16 18:34:30

you are young to give up on a sex life, but also your comment about why he cant shower in work is telling. i think you need to have a chat about why you aren't having sex

Northernparent68 Tue 28-Jun-16 19:03:34

Outsider is right, compare the responses here with the responses on the "sexually frustrated husband "thread.

Yes it's an issue, but approach this diplomatically with him, try and sound concerned for him rather than critical.

candybar007 Tue 28-Jun-16 19:24:26

Sorry to sound crude but have you ever seen or felt his cock?

candybar007 Tue 28-Jun-16 19:26:26

Sorry just re read the original post- Don`t know how to edit being new here - Sorry!

Exploretheunexplored23 Tue 28-Jun-16 19:54:31

Hello everyone, thank you for your replies. It's lovely to see all of your honest thoughts and get some perspectives. I will admit I can get a bit teary when we have talked about it in the past so I will psych myself up for a chat focusing on his needs and see if anything comes to light. I hadn't considered anything medical and it could be worth looking in to also!

Lemon101 -thank you for sharing such a personal experience with me. I hope it works out for the best for you!

PastoralCare Wed 29-Jun-16 16:21:09

Exactly, as long as there is ejaculation, you'll be fine.

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