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Am I living in a dream world?

(8 Posts)
Ellarose85 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:06:22

I'm considering ending my relationship because the spark has gone, when I speak to DH about it he says its normal and the honeymoon period doesn't last forever.

It's a conversation we have been having for the last 3 years or so but nothing changes.

I've noticed myself being increasingly needy and insecure as I can't understand why DH is so different towards me and doesn't seem to want to make any effort to get the spark back.

We don't argue a lot, we have a toddler and a baby on the way (which wasn't planned if that makes any difference) we are just like friends/housemates who are together for the kids.

I want to be a family more than anything but I feel like I deserve more and want to feel love and passion. Am I expecting too much/watched too many films?

My mum left my dad for similar reasons and regrets it.

HuskyLover1 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:18:52

The Honeymoon period can last. I'm never sure at what point it's meant to disappear? 1 year? 5 years? And who decides this?!

I have been with DH for 8 years, and we are definitely still in love and passionate. In fact, I'd say that the relationship has got better and better over time, I think because we now share memories and know each other better as time goes on. He is always (to me) the sexiest man in the room.

How is he different to you? That's a bit of a worry. Although, I suppose it could be the strain of having a toddler (it's bloody hard work!)

Ellarose85 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:25:37

I love him just the same as the early days! He could go for days/weeks without touching me/kissing me if I didn't initiate it.

This started before DS arrived but he did acknowledge that he needed to make more of an effort.

He is brilliant in every other way, provides for us all, works hard for our futures and is an excellent father. I feel guilty for wanting more.

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:33:47

You mustn't feel guilty for wanting to feel wanted. Otherwise what else are you? Just the person who helps to look after his kids? It's true that you're in probably the most challenging part of any LT relationship but that means you both have to make the effort more than ever.

There's a lot he could be doing. But what about you? Sounds like you need to start taking better care of yourself if you are genuinely feeling that your basic needs are irrelevant.

Have you got much going on outside the house? Perhaps you're suffering from a slight loss of identity, which is common when there's a toddler on the loose and it can manifest in neediness which (and I'm not excusing him here) can lead to lack of interest in intimacy.

I would hazard a guess that if you turn your attention to yourself rather than DH for a bit, he might sit up and take a little more notice flowers

SandyY2K Tue 28-Jun-16 13:35:58

Don't give up yet.

Try and plan some date nights and if possible - which is hard when you have a toddler and one on the way isn't easy ... try and have a romantic getaway.

You need to tell him how the lack of passion is making you think about the future of your marriage. He'll only step up when he realises how serious it is to you.

In fairness there is a new relationship feel that doesn't usually last forever. That's not saying the love dies, but you don't get the butterflies you did at first whenever you see your spouse.

A million of you will chime in and say you do, but in reality that's not the case. That's one of the excuses for having an affair ... that new relationship feel.

Be specific with your DH about what you want the marriage to be like for you to be happy.

adora1 Tue 28-Jun-16 14:07:46

Wanting more, you mean a normal happy intimate and romantic relationship, that is not wanting more, that's wanting what's normal and what you need as a human.

We are 15 years and very much in love and do romantic stuff all the time, he's just trying to brush you off, you need to spell it out to him or else decide if this is worth it.

potatomama Tue 28-Jun-16 14:29:20

You've been having this conversation for about 3 years, you have a toddler - I reckon those are related. Personally I'd wait it out as young children are a strain on any relationship.
Don't throw away 'brilliant in every other way' just for a 'spark'.

FolderReformedScruncher Tue 28-Jun-16 19:05:18

I think what you are expecting is normal too, toddler or no toddler. I've been married to DH for 12 years this year and we are the same as when we got married but better as we know each other so much better. Mostly it comes naturally. If we are both tired we realise and make an effort and that sort of re-lights the spark IYSWIM. He sounds like he is resigned to the status quo and has little interest in changing it.

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