Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you....

(24 Posts)
FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 10:23:12

Ever get back with someone you were with at a young age who cheated on you?

He cheated with a few people whilst away at a different uni to me, we would go months without seeing each other

We've always stayed in touch as friends but lately he's made comments about us trying again. It was 10 years ago we were last together so I know people change but I don't know how I feel about it.

Aussiebean Tue 28-Jun-16 10:45:52

Has he shown any remorse for the way he treated you? What is his opinion on cheating now?

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 10:56:41

Yes he has and he seems to have changed a great deal

I've not actually asked him but I don't think he has done it to anyone since we broke up

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Jun-16 12:38:31

You could try just dating and taking it slowly to start with.
But if you are having doubts now I'm not sure it's worth it.
You wouldn't trust him and that's no base for a relationship.

Joysmum Tue 28-Jun-16 12:43:10

I think I would do some creepy stalker like research to see if subsequent relationships have failed due to infidelity. If they hadn't I'd only consider it if I could could over what he'd done all those years ago. I suspect not though and it'd bleed through and affect my ralationship with that person today meaning I could never fully trust or give my heart to him again, not what I'd want from a relationship.

Chocolatefudgecake100 Tue 28-Jun-16 12:56:52

No

murphys Tue 28-Jun-16 13:04:25

I wouldn't just cut him off completely due to something that happened many years ago, when you were a lot younger and the situation was different then.

You didn't see each other for months, and he was an university. Its what university students do... go out, sleep around, make mistakes...life's lessons...

Why don't you start of slow and see how it goes.

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 13:09:09

He's been in the same relationship since we ended and they're now divorcing. I have no desire to start anything anytime soon, we've not seen each other for years but I have said I would meet for drinks to catch up.

I do believe everyone deserves a second chance and we were young then. Also he did a shite job of covering it up so I'd know anyway.

I think seeing how drinks goes is a start but I just wanted to know opinions on whether if the spark was there I'd be an idiot to consider it in a few months

Joysmum Tue 28-Jun-16 13:12:52

How long has he been out of his marriage?

I ask that because I've known a few serial monogamists (funny I'm mentioning this on a thread to do with cheating!) where these people move from relationship to relationship very quickly die to not wanting to be alone. I guess that could manifest itself in cheating too as they see a relationship ending and wanting the next lined up so there's no risk of being single for too long.

murphys Tue 28-Jun-16 13:16:43

Food, after your most recent post, I would give it some time. He is going through a divorce now, and this is from the woman he has been with since he was with you. Sounds like he is looking for some sort of rebound relationship.

LaPharisienne Tue 28-Jun-16 13:21:17

Has he acknowledged his bad behaviour and apologised for hurt caused?

Goingtobeawesome Tue 28-Jun-16 13:21:30

Depends which ex.

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 13:21:57

I've made the rebound comment to him too actually

I'm not considering anything anytime soon, he thinks I wouldn't consider it at all and is happy as friends.

I'm thinking I'll see how it goes for the coming months (I think 6 is the minimum)

SandyY2K Tue 28-Jun-16 13:22:18

A friend of mine has and she believes he's matured now.

I wouldn't do it personally. There's enough men in the world, that I'd not rekindle with a multi woman cheat TBH.

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 13:22:32

Yes incredibly apologetic

murphys Tue 28-Jun-16 13:24:57

Is their divorce due to cheating OP?

HuskyLover1 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:26:45

I wouldn't go there.

You say he is divorcing. So, he isn't actually divorced, and yet here he is, chatting you up and lining you up for dates. So he's cheating on his wife, isn't he? Or trying to. Does he still live with her?

All a bit lazy really, to finish your marriage and then line up an old flame, who you didn't love enough to stay faithful to. I suppose it's quicker and easier than searching for someone new to get your leg over

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 13:31:12

We've always stayed in touch, we are meeting as friends and I've been clear on that. He's not actually asked for any more than that either, he's been saying how he is looking forward to some alone time

No the divorce is not cheating related

Fidelia Tue 28-Jun-16 13:59:11

When you kept in touch during his marriage, did you hang out with both of them? Are you friends with his wife too?

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 14:00:55

I never saw them, we lived in different countries

We stayed in touch but it was an email every few months just updating on each others lives

TheNaze73 Tue 28-Jun-16 14:12:51

I'm sorry but, once a cheat, always a cheat. There are several billion blokes on the planet, yet you're considering, another relationship, with a man who didn't respect you enough previously & was more than happy to lob it up another woman???
You're worth more than that OP. Don't give him the time of day

Fidelia Tue 28-Jun-16 14:18:03

Hmm...It seems very odd that he'd keep in contact only by email for over 10 years, then suddenly be up for meeting now. Neither of you know if you really have anything in common anymore, anyway. It sounds more like you're a fantasy he's constructed in his head, and he may not be prepared for the real you.

Also, how do you know he didn't cheat on his wife? Is that from him?

My Ex cheated. It's definitely the cause of our divorce and his 'inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex' were listed as part of his unreasonable behaviour, along with his financial abuse. Yet he tells people that it was all me. He has been asked whether it's true that he cheated, and he looks terribly hurt and denies it completely plausibly.

So, without hearing his wife's viewpoint, I'd be suspicious of a possibly former cheat, newly separated and now trying to ignite an old flame.

Even if it were true that there was no cheating, why would you want to date/reconnect with someone who you know is capable of cheating on you. Why go for a man who is separated, rather than someone who is truly single and emotionally ready? Believe me, the whole divorce thing takes you through the ringer and it's not fair to add a new partner into that mix

It might be a good idea to ask yourself why you're thinking about this, because it seems to me that you deserve better?

RaspberryBeret34 Tue 28-Jun-16 14:22:18

I did - was with my exH when I was 17, he cheated. Got back together with him at 23 and he had a 2 yr plus affair just after we got married. He did all the "I've changed" stuff when I was 23 but really it was just the circumstances that had changed. He was still that person who cheated. As soon as he felt a bit insecure or in need of attention or the opportunity came along or... whatever his reasons were, he reverted to old habits. Go for someone who wouldn't cheat on you no matter what the circumstances are.

FoodIsMyNemesis Tue 28-Jun-16 14:24:38

Thanks for all the advice, I'm happy to stick with being friends with him so I think that's what we will do

If he starts getting the wrong idea I'll put him firmly in his place

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now