Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

marital misery

(15 Posts)
adaorardour Tue 28-Jun-16 08:54:09

Hi everyone! I'm new here and not even sure if I'm posting this right. I do not know what to do or who to turn to. I've been married for 4 years and have 2 sons - 3 and 1 years old. Since the very beginning our marriage has been difficult - main reason is DH's selfishness, utter lack of understanding and empathy. He also drinks too much. He is not violent or anything of the sort, but it does interfere with family life and responsibilities as "booze" comes first. Every time. He is not involved in raising our DC. I should also mention that I relocated when I married him. So I left my country, job, family. Since we got married I've stayed home looking after DC so I'm financially dependant on him. And I haven't got any money as what he gives me is spent by 15th of the month on food and other things for house and kids (and he earns decent money). We argue often as I get fed up with his behaviour and tend to snap easily especially when sleep deprived which is often as both DC are terrible sleepers. On the other hand, he sleeps as long as he wants on weekends and his sleep never suffers due to our DC waking up etc. He resents my snapping and anger and wants me to be happy so he could be comfortable. But he won't acknowledge that his behaviour makes me miserable. Things got worse after our DS2 was born. One thing led to another and now I'm sure that he has had an affair with a girl from work. I thought of divorce many times but then keep thinking of the DC and also have no funds or support. He said he wouldn't pay support if I took DC to my country and I have no idea what to do here as I come from a different culture. I haven't confronted him with cheating as I know exactly he is going to blame it on me. To be honest it was expected in a way but I still feel angry and hurt. All this time I'm home looking after our DC, cooking, cleaning, laundry and everything else while he goes to work, goes to gym, goes out, gets drunk and gets to have sex with a 24-year old while I clean after him and cook for him. I feel like I'm his maid or slave and I'm fed up with it. I made an unwise choice marrying him. What do I do now?

Yourface Tue 28-Jun-16 09:01:15

The only way you could have described s more intolerable situation is if he hit you. In your situation I would have to face the financial hardship and leave. You can make a life for yourself. The kids are young so I guess you are too. You can do it. Don't fear it, set yourself free and fly!!

coco1810 Tue 28-Jun-16 09:27:07

Are you in the UK? If so, why aren't you receiving Child Benefit, tax credits etc?

adaorardour Tue 28-Jun-16 11:37:56

yes, we live in London. I don't know the system. Would I be entitled to child benefits if I were to divorce and he refused to pay support? Where would we live. I have no idea where to start.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Jun-16 12:29:39

You start with contacting citizens advice.
Get an appointment to see them and get as much help as you can.
I would also suggest calling Womens Aid.
He sounds (from what you have written) financially abusive and they may well be able to put you in touch with local services that can help.
Would your family pay for you to return to your home country?
Would they help and support you until you get back on your feet?
I'd consider leaving if you have no help or support here.

coco1810 Tue 28-Jun-16 12:57:53

Please google Women's aid and citizens advice for your local area and call them as they can advice you better. You may already have a claim for both child benefit and tax credit which your partner is receiving and if you leave and take children this will be transferred to you. Ge can not refuse to pay maintenance to your children, he is legally obligated to do so. Its is a long task getting the money through the CSA but you will get there and he will be liable.

Speak to your GP. Everything you say to them will be confidential but it will be officially logged to start a paper trail. Try and find copies of his paperwork to see how the finances are. He is emotionally and financially abusing you and your children and it is wrong. There are support systems to help you in this country and I beg that you take them.

adaorardour Tue 28-Jun-16 21:11:10

Thank you for information and support. Going back to my country was always an option for me as I would have some support and childcare is much cheaper than here so I could actually be able to go back to work. However, my parents got me quite late and are now in their late 70s/ early 80s and to be honest my mother has always been quite toxic and it got worse with age so tbh I wouldn't want to rely on them too much as she will rub it into my face as soon as possible.

adaorardour Tue 28-Jun-16 21:22:12

I will definitely do that as I need advice.
On top of everything, I have found evidence today that he was visiting swingers clubs last winter while I was abroad with
children visiting my parents. How insane is this? He always tries to justify things with this being a different culture - drinking culture etc. Am I so primitive coming from a culture which frowns upon married men going to swingers parties while the family is away? I don't care that there wasn't enough sex for him in our marriage - he is in the same boat as many other men. And if he tried to help out a bit and show some basic understanding and empathy maybe we would have had more sex. I'm absolutely disgusted and devastated. And, now I need to get tested for STD.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-16 21:27:20

I am from this "culture" and none of his behaviour is acceptable.

coco1810 Wed 29-Jun-16 07:57:30

Going to a swinging club behind your wife's back is pretty much frowned upon in any culture, my lovely. Wishing you and your DC all the very best luck in the world.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Jun-16 08:59:46

Yes you need STD checks.
Get in contact with your local GUM clinic.
They will have walk in times so you just go along and they will have seen this all before so don't be worried about anything.
I hope you can get some support.

And if my OH went to a swingers club while I was away with the kids, he'd be under the feckin' patio!!

springydaffs Wed 29-Jun-16 15:38:18

Oh please leave this sleazy drunk abuser shit. He sounds utterly revolting, like a grunting caveman. YUK.

Keep away from your parents as much as possible if you go home.

Wishing you the very best and the wind under your wings.

ineedabodytransplant Wed 29-Jun-16 15:48:34

I'm a bloke from 'this' culture and I agree with AF that is isn't acceptable in any way, shape or form. Frankly, he sounds like an toxic, arrogant waste of skin and oxygen. I can't believe he puts alcohol before his family (although, reading a few posts on here makes you realise it is more common than you would think).

Is he the sort that thinks that you should be stuck at home doing 'wifey' things? You're his wife not his slave.

Surely, you're entitled to benefits whether you're with him or not? I'm sure you'll get better advice from people on here who are much cleverer than I am

God luck, you'll be better off without him.

adaorardour Wed 29-Jun-16 18:36:06

Thanks everyone for support. I do appreciate it.
He expected me to do all "wifey" things plus work but he didn't want to pay for childcare and I can't earn much. I think he is not cut for family. When it comes to his own needs and pleasures money is never an issue but as soon as something related to home & family crops up - it's an issue to say the least. He's been so insensitive towards me and made me boil with anger. He is in the gym 4 times a week. He enjoys his hobbies. Plays guitar when he gets home from work instead of playing with children. At some point he started meditating after work while I was making dinner, feeding and bathing grumpy children and everything else. When I asked him if he could do it after the kids were in bed, he said that that was not how it was done and it didn't suit him anyway. When I pointed out that that was selfish, he was shocked how I could have said that. I've been such an idiot! I just want to enjoy my children and be happy and I can't do that with him around.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 29-Jun-16 18:44:04

Op get out, you do not have to live this life!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now