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How to meet a different sort of chap/ change my 'type'?

(9 Posts)
Awoof Mon 27-Jun-16 22:04:07

Maybe it's my own fault.
I split with my dh a few months back and have got to thinking about past relationships etc.
I always seem to end up with quite unimaginative, arrogant, selfish types. I suppose they are also (unfortunately) quite charming when they want to be.
I don't want anything flash, never have done. Just a man who is kind and appreciates me.
I like looking after people, making sure I get favourite drinks/snacks in, find nice gifts for christmas etc and just never seem to get it back.
Sounds daft but I would just love someone who would pop my favourite TV show on and bring me a crunchie and a cuppa at the end of a hard day.
Is it possible to change what you attract/are attracted to?
I would be really interested to hear everyone's thoughts!

Kefalonia1 Mon 27-Jun-16 23:20:27

I'll be keeping a close eye on this thread! The charm can be a killer.

And it doesn't sound daft at all! Totally normal. I've been told my both a counsellor & a past yoga instructor that I often give too much to people without getting much back. Sounds like you might be the same?

Sometimes I think it's pot luck. I've been with very giving guys and more recently a guy who only gave when he occasionally felt like it. But...if there's a way to specifically attract the better kind...I'd also like to hear it!

DorindaJ Tue 28-Jun-16 06:09:51

I am by no means an expert on this, but maybe, and I have found that, if you slow things down, analyse their actions and words (where they remind you of past boyfriends the type you are trying to avoid) you get rid sharpish. So you have to change your game and change your boundaries/standards... This is a yet unproven strategy, I am doing this myself.

pallasathena Tue 28-Jun-16 07:26:28

I was a bit of a 'rescuer', back in the day and attracted no-hopers who just wanted someone to look after them. Took a while for me to work it out but by my thirties I decided to do a bit of reverse engineering on my horribly pliable personality by practising saying no whenever someone wanted something from me. Not all the time, but most of the time.
And it was liberating. Just a simple 'No I can't do that', no explanation, just silence or change of subject. Took my power back I did and that helped me to attract a better sort of bloke. Very liberating.

niceupthedance Tue 28-Jun-16 07:47:54

In my case it was cutting men off as soon as they started not behaving as I would eg returning texts, calling when they said they would, turning up on time etc. I found that men who were arrogant and self-centred were not great at 'time management' while dating and I wanted to meet someone different.

Resilience16 Tue 28-Jun-16 09:39:20

Well done for realising you have a pattern and a type, it took me a while.
Do the Freedom programme, you can do it in line if there isn't a group near you.
Will help you make better choices in the future.
Good luck x

Awoof Tue 28-Jun-16 12:41:28

Thanks everyone. I've had a couple of relationships that have started wandering down abusive paths, always charming types and I'm actually quite suprised at myself.
I think some men see kindness and treat it like a dripping tap.
I mean, I think it's a good thing to want to make someone's life a bit easier, happier.
I would just like someone who would treat me like my close female friends do.
For example, I took my neighbour dinner yesterday as I'd made way too much and when I came home from the supermarket today I found she had popped a magazine and a flake through my letter box.
Not hard to be kind is it? But I honestly can't think of the last time a man did a small gesture like that for me.

Resilience16 Tue 28-Jun-16 20:25:08

Some people are kind and thoughtful, some people aren't, it's as simple as that.
If you pick men who are "selfish and arrogant "then you can't be surprised when they behave in a selfish and arrogant fashion.
You need to look at why you choose this sort of person and learn strategies to avoid them in future.
It's an old cliche but if you keep doing what you've always done, you will get what you've always got.
It's a bit of a cop out for us to sit there moaning " these men are shit", when we are actively picking them. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, that's not what I am saying, but I think we do have to take some responsibility for some of the poor choices we make and realise it is within our power to make better ones.
Onwards and upwards x

Sn0tnose Tue 28-Jun-16 20:47:45

I was moaning to my mum about why I kept meeting horrible men and she said 'If you keep picking the same sort of men, you'll keep having the same sort of problem'. I can't believe it didn't occur to me before, but it was like a lightbulb went on.

I stopped picking men based on their initial charm and started thinking about whether or not I liked them as a person, as well as fancying them. I looked at whether they had any friends, their relationships with their families, how they talked about their exes and whether their actions matched their words. And it worked!

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