First time post - just one aspect of what I'm putting up with

[2scoopsplease]

Urggh I could post about so many things but I'll start with this one thing as it is happening right now. Married 21 years, 2 DD (teenagers) and DH is almost another child. He works hard, earns reasonably good money but is absolutely crap at admin/money/basically being responsible. I gave up work (part time) at the start of the year as my mum went to pieces (also has dementia) post my dad's death last summer; I've been travelling back & forth to other end of the UK to support her (she's now in a home near me - nearly had a nervous breakdown with all it ensued as she hates me for suggesting move). As the bread winner he is totally sh*t with money - drinks too much, loves a night out with the 'boys' and we are always overdrawn ... a huge bug bear is he spends ££ on work expenses and fails to claim them back - he is probably owned around £600 at the moment. When I ask about it, he blows up and walks off .. I just don't get it. I'm looking for work again but nothing has materialised as yet.

Any advice on how to tackle this?? (I've offered to do the paperwork etc. but he flatly refuses to take me up on the offer). The irony is he wants a new car -penis extension- but can't even get round to discussing a budget!!

[ZansForCans]

DH is almost another child

Many many women are dealing with manchild OHs like yours who don't pull their weight, take proper responsibility or communicate properly when you want to discuss it. I'm in the process of separating from mine so I can't say "do this or do that to fix it" – I couldn't fix it. But I do know how you feel.

What is the rest of what you're putting up with like? Do you mean from him? Is leaving something you're considering?

[2scoopsplease]

Ah Zans thanks for reply. I'm almost too ashamed to admit what I've put up with over the years. (sorry to hear you are in throes of separation). I went to counselling on my own early last year as I had had enough of financial bullshit - she really did empower me to leave (she was a bit of a LTB therapist tho ' - identified him as a narcissist) but then both my folks took ill simultaneously and I couldn't deal with a marriage break up on top of all that. Funnily enough he stepped up for a good while, was very supportive but has reverted to type in the last few months. He had an affair a few years ago with his (wait for it) secretary half his age (he's now 53!!- I stupidly did the so-called pick me dance but really it was a hollow victory as he still really (I'm sure) blames me as we were not really getting it on (mostly due to his shitty behaviour due to excessive drinking/coke habit etc.). I totally expect for folk on here to say I'm a door mat etc. but I always have had low self esteem and depression issues.
Funnily enough most people in RL would never guess that of me as I'm REALLY good at putting on a face/being a chameleon. :(

[expatinscotland]

You don't 'tackle' this. He won't let you, anyhow. He's not a 'breadwinner' if there's no bread, and there isn't, just overdraft and debt. And a drunk, too. Yeah, continue looking for a job, a full-time one. Separate your finances entirely and leave him to it, if you still want to stay with him.

[expatinscotland]

X-past. A drunk. A coke user. A cheater.

[expatinscotland]

Go back to that counsellor. She's not a 'LTB therapist' , you're married to cunt.

[2scoopsplease]

expat yes, I've sent off CV for loads of jobs (also have friend updating it professionally to widen my appeal) I'm going back to 'old' job as I changed career a while back which although made me happy, is much less money and I'm also finding it hard to do at 53, as it is quite physical and unsociable hours. I'm also starting to realise kids (especially older one) are seeing right through him which isn't great.

[2scoopsplease]

expat when you see it written down like that - christ what am I doing? My main concern is money as I'm not working.

[2scoopsplease]

Just to be clarify the coke thing is not happening now (as far as I know anyway) but he is a binge drinker. He manages charm everyone he meets as he is a funny etc. etc. but that is totally irrelevant I know. We have been to couples counselling a few years back but in the end we stopped as we couldn't afford it (and to be honest, not getting very far).

[fabulous01]

My mum and dad were like this. My dad was crap with money and had people owing him and he never asked for it. My mum paid £5 a week on things she wanted to shops and saved that way. My mum eventually left him and never looked back......

[Hidingtonothing]

I'm going to make this sound simple but I know it isn't when you're living it, maybe it will help though. You need to stop wasting energy trying to figure out how to fix him this and use that energy to get yourself into a position where you can leave him and survive financially/practically. That feeling of going round and round in circles and never really resolving anything is utterly draining and leaves no mental/emotional resources left over to do what you know you really have to do, which is leave him. So stop, stop trying to figure out how to make him grow up, be responsible, treat you with a modicum of respect, he won't or it would have happened a long time ago. You don't even have to accept that it's over in your own mind if you're not ready to do that, just focus on the practical stuff without thinking about what it means so that, the next time you reach the end of your tether, you're not stuck in that awful limbo of knowing that you have to end it but having nothing in place so it all feels too hard to actually do it. I guess this is a long winded way of saying get your ducks in a row but I think, in your situation, you have to do it in quite a disconnected way if that makes sense. The enormity of it may well overwhelm you if you think about what you're doing and why so you sort of need to do it on autopilot. You can do it though, you just need to stop wasting time and effort trying to make him into something he's not and will never be. The future without him will feel scary as hell but losing the weight you've been carrying of trying to be responsible for him as well as yourself will make it easier than you expect. I suspect your self esteem/depression issues will improve dramatically once you're free of a man who puts his own immature wants and needs before your happiness, and that opportunities you can't even imagine now will open up for you. Taking a chance on all that instead of ploughing on as you are has to be a better option and, even if you're terrified (and of course you will be) is it really any scarier than the thought of living the rest of your life like this?

[2scoopsplease]

hiding thank you - I'm in tears (of gratitude) but need to go out .. will reply properly later and re-read your post. xx

[Nivea101]

My (ex) h was very much like yours, the final straw came when he said he didn't want to work anymore and was retiring at the age of 48 and that was that, he left his job and did all kinds of half arse things like bought a van to do courier work, etc but he hated that and so it went on. I had to approach my private pension fund, not once but twice to get money out to meet our mortgage repayments. I don't believe he's ever worked properly since and just does odd jobs here and there living on benefits no doubt.

I don't really know as I left him not long after the second time of asking for pension money as it was so humiliating jumping through hoops. I knew he was never going to change and I needed to take care of me.

[Isetan]

This is what happens when you treat patterns of self entitlement as isolated incidents, been there and done that, until I decided not to wait around for the next shitty act.

Now might not be the right time to LTB but when is? There will always be something that takes priority, until you decide that you are a priority.

[springydaffs]

That so true about timing - if your kids are teenagers it'll be GCSEs then A levels - you'll be stuck for years.

You know what you need to do. He's not s/e so he won't be able to hide income. You'll get a good chunk of the marital assets, at least 50%, probably more.

[springydaffs]

And you'll probably get the marital home (in my case until the youngest finished their first degree)

[2scoopsplease]

Morning - thanks for messages for advice/support. Didn't get online again due to mother struggling and went to bed early with migraine. Between angsty teen (just finished GCSE's), mum who is getting worse by the day and now angry DH who has just hung up on me I could scream. We have fallen out as he has been offered 'full corporate hospitality' at an event in two days time with 4 of his colleagues and wives. It is my idea of hell and I have already something in the diary - says I'm being unsupportive and that, as he's already accepted, he'll look stupid if we don't go. (He actually doesn't want to go either but feels he has to). Ugh, it's not like it's a half hour train journey home either - it's bloody miles away :( Guess I'll have to go and keep the peace in the short term ... grrrr

[isthismylifenow]

I could have written your post OP, all bar regarding your parents. Sorry for your loss with your father passing, and now your mum not being well.

Also had to be the good wife, appearing that all was well for work do's and sorting out all the financial side. Argued constantly as claims not put in when they went out on yet another 'team building' night out, for which he paid from own bank account. It got so bad that we were heavily in overdraft, couldn't pay school fees so had to change the arrangement with the school (yearly to monthly). He also had an affair some years back and I thought that I was past that and had dealt with it.

One day, there was a petty argument ..he said he told me something important, which he didn't. He argued blind he had told me, and that I had a memory problem, couldn't remember anything he told me etc etc. I know I wasn't told as it was something that you would either know or wouldn't (regards to a overseas trip he was taking which he failed to tell me about until the night before). It was the final straw for me. Yes, I was the doormat, although it didn't see it until that moment, when I realized lots of things at the time as well.

When he got back from the trip, I asked him to move out. Things weren't rosy for a long time, but there I was trying to fix it all the time, make his life easier (and mine hell as a result). I was done, finished, over it. I just couldn't do it anymore.

I don't know what the answer is for you OP. Only you can decide that. I am not one of the LTB team, but you have to think of yourself for a change. I also have two teenagers, so I know the angst there as well.

I found posting here a good thing for me. I didn't just do it to get replies (which majority of were spot on and helpful). When I posted in the moment of turmoil happening around me, I could read it back again the next day or week, and realize the constant shit storms I was dealing with. By the following week I had brushed it off, and was dealing with the next issue. But the thing I had forgotten about from the week before, was glaring at me, and it was still unresolved. I just put it down to normal, but it wasn't and isn't.

One thing that I have noticed though, since separating. Those nights out with the boys and all the team building events are far and few between. Even trips for work have been reduced to the absolute minimum. I see now that he was going away for ridiculous reasons, and the nights out were so that he didn't have to come home. He denies this of course, but I see things a lot clearer these days.

I wish you all the best 2scoops. Keep posting, as you are not alone in your situation, I can promise you that. Even if you just need a sounding board, or you are looking for advice from others who are or have been in the same situation. Getting it out helps a lot.

[2scoopsplease]

isthismylife will digest your post later (just skim read it) as need to take mother to doctor. Appreciate your posting x