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Has anybody got back together after a separation where you both had new partners?

(12 Posts)
SirPugalug Mon 27-Jun-16 07:47:41

Ex moved out last year. It was my doing and although I did not have an affair, I didn't even meet this person until well after we seperated, I did leave to pursue a new relationship.
I'm miserable.
He is also seeing someone.
Last night I broke and messaged him asking if he ever misses me. He said if course.
I asked if he lives this woman and he said 'not at all. Half the time I don't feel anything'

We had a lot of issues before we seperated but doing so gave me my independence and made me face a lot of the problems I used to have. I feel I'm a different person now.
We are both still seeing our partners right now but I'm wondering if there's a chance

Has anyone managed to salvage their relationship after seeing other people?

SirPugalug Mon 27-Jun-16 07:48:19

Sorry, should have said LOVES this woman.

Getit Mon 27-Jun-16 09:14:04

Personally I wouldn't want to get back together with someone that is willing to string another person along just because they chose to .
There is a reason why you split up.

SirPugalug Mon 27-Jun-16 09:52:23

I'm not sure who you are talking about there.

Scarftown Mon 27-Jun-16 11:37:28

Interested to know other opinions.

Me and my ex are currently debating it. We split (amicably) have both seen other people since. Done a lot of talking and we have both changed and now we are discussing If we want to try again

misszp Mon 27-Jun-16 11:52:07

I got back with my ex after we had been separated two years with absolutely no contact. However we were both independent, not tied to new relationships (you both need to do your current partners a favour and end it, regardless if you get back together), and certainly were not 'miserable' and therefore seeking comfort in the past.

We had both grown and flourished in ways which meant the original issues in our relationship were no longer there, and that actually the time apart meant we were better focused on each other.

We have just split again, amicably, because even though he has grown, he has a lot of growing to still do, and many issues to work through. Believe me when I say, you have to be prepared for things to go tits up again a second time around, and that it will be even harder to walk away again should you need to.

I do not regret getting back with my ex, as I loved my time with him again and I have no doubt it was the right decision at the time for us. I also believe had he wanted to deal with his problems, we would have had a very successful relationship and future. It has been THE single hardest thing I have ever had to walk away from, and that is without kids and marriage. Do not under estimate the power of the thought 'we tried again for a reason' in your decision making throughout the relationship.

I also STILL believe people can make it work second time around. But just make sure past issues are now resolved, and that you are prepared for that 'what ifs'.

MardyGrave Mon 27-Jun-16 12:00:39

I think you need to deal with your current relationship and walk away from it independently before embarking on a new relationship.

Perhaps try being single for a while.

IAmAPaleontologist Mon 27-Jun-16 12:02:29

We split, pre marriage and children though. I had depression and was a bit crazy and hard work, he was wondering what the hell he was doing and feeling the need to see what else was out there, rather understandably not that I saw it at the time!

The split was good really. He dated a few people and decided dating was bloody hard work and the world was full of ridiculously complicated women. I sorted myself out, was happy, stronger and able to stand on my own 2 feet. It showed. I started seeing someone and shortly after now dh asked me if I wants to try again. I turned him down, he hadn't realised I was seeing someone. But a few weeks later I realised I should have said yes so I finished things with the bf and called now dh. Completely the right decision. We fell right into a lovely, easy relationship. We knew each other and this time recognised how well suited we were. We'd both grown up a bit. 8 years married, 3 Dc, how long we've been together depends on where you count from!

twirlcurl Mon 27-Jun-16 13:21:50

I have been married now for 23 years (one son 22). There is no set way to have a relationship. We have been reunited for a year after nearly two years when he left and moved to another county living with another woman. He has had mental health problems and this was part of the escape from the difficulties of life and mundane relationship.
A decade earlier he left for another woman and we reunited after a year.
We had also had a short separation 8 years previous to that. Again triggered by another woman (that was the worst.) Its tough, but also joyful. Whatever you decide, start from now. as a new relationship or phase. Get couple counselling to steady the ship. If you both want to be together then - with work - it is possible. After a while it becomes very natural again. But make sure you bring with you all you have leant as an independent person. That is crucial. Be accepted for who you are now. And be NICE to each other. It is possible to a nurture positive attitude to each other instead of being drawn down the negative route. Ensure communication is always respectful and civil. Listen to each other and you can bear quite a lot of tough things. Your relationship is yours, different from any other, so if you want it decide to be creative with it and go with the flow: that means no preconceptions as to what it should look/feel like. Always react to the present situation to decide on the next move, as opposed to reacting to the imagined behaviour or choices from past experience. That is the one thing I have leant. "Sat Nav living:" I call it: follow the next arrow rather than try and plan your route.
Don't imagine I haven't had gone through a huge amount of suffering to get to this point, but now - at 55 - I feel happy and steady. I don't look for absolute security - it doesn't exist.
The one criterion that you do need is mutual love. We were so in love when we got married that it has helped us stick through a ridiculous amount of hardship. If you really do love each other it could work. Check that it is not just based on nostalgia, because if t is you could be disappointed. Love is a very powerful thing though, and both my husband and I are romantic and loyal.

Good luck

merville Mon 27-Jun-16 22:01:23

Hi SirPug,
yes, my husband and I got back together after an almost 3 year separation.
We'd been in a roughly 6 year relationship before we split up.

He was single when we got back together (though he had been in relationships during the separation), I ended a relationship that was not really working to get back together with him.

While nothing is perfect, to date I'm v glad we got back together.

If you are miserable, it sounds like you perhaps you should stop seeing the person you're seeing no matter whether you two get back together or not .
I can understand why Getit thought what he said abt his current relationship/partner seemed a bit callous (if I understand correctly).

If you are to get back together, I'd be looking for him to end his relationship sharply & cleanly and not mess her or you around.

Hope this helps and best of luck.

merville Mon 27-Jun-16 22:04:10

May have been unclear we got married after we got back together. Partly it was about wanting to make a commitment but mainly in order to be able to live legally/easily in the Middle East.

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 07:34:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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