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Left DV & Im still horrible

(15 Posts)
VioletRoller Sun 26-Jun-16 21:43:08

The past couple of weeks I've been trying to disentangle myself from a dangerous ex.

He gets drink in him then changes, becomes irrational and selfish, paranoid

He's reacting to the distance by texting my family about personal things and lies.

Posting online about me and my daughter, also lies (about my parenting etc, painting an awful picture of me.)

My dm and I have a relationship that is a thread of it's own really. Ive been in a few dv relationships before and struggled to leave the last one. None compare to most recent ex though. Im embarrassed to call them dv now.

Dm extremely angry at me for disgracing the family and putting dds name through the mud. Saying the most hurtful things she can and implying I made them do it or I wanted this for attention or exaggerating/lying. Challanges me as to the fact Im the common denominator. When she is on a rant she will get as nasty as she can and will not stop, I try to wait it out but I've had to leave the livingroom again. I've considered just wiping myself off the planet as obviously my mere existance harms people around me. Im trying as hard as I can to limit the damage he is doing but what am I meant to do? Anything I say or do will just mean a horrible reaction from him. I just want to escape.

VioletRoller Sun 26-Jun-16 22:02:27

Dm refusing to block him off facebook. sad

TwentyCupsOfTea Sun 26-Jun-16 22:07:48

Please remember it is not your fault that you have experienced DV. You have been incredibly brave to leave.
Sometimes women who have escaped DV find themselves with another abuser - these men can sense a vunerable woman, and it is easier for them to work their way in when someone has been repeatedly told they are worthless before. So you are NOT the common denominator here; an abusive partner is.
Your mother sounds poisonous. Do you have any other family? I know it's hard, but try to remove yourself from social media if you can, and remember other people will see through his lies.
You are clearly a very strong person, so please remember that you are not at fault here.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 26-Jun-16 22:11:31

Stay away from your mother. It isn't you that needs wiping away. It is her. Wipe her out of your life. Don't see her any more. Why would you want to be any where near her?

Also, have you done the Freedom Programme? You obviously have difficulties spotting and dumping the abusive types before things get proper bad. (Your mother should have been dumped long ago too)

Froginapan Sun 26-Jun-16 22:11:42

I think you have your common denominator as to why you keep choosing abusive partners: your mother.

Did she consistently blame you for the actions of others when you were younger too?

Have you considered cutting her out of your life?

Alibobbob Sun 26-Jun-16 22:13:56

I think I would be giving DM a wide birth. Nobody has the right to treat you so badly, not your ex, not your DM, nobody. You appear to be in a really horrific situation can you move away for a while? If not I would be under the radar and not communicating with anyone.


VioletRoller Sun 26-Jun-16 22:32:42

Lost a reply sad theres a lot going on

VioletRoller Sun 26-Jun-16 22:38:23

Im applying for a house to rent tomorrow

She is an amazing gm to dd, and dm to her kids. I do love her with all my heart shes my mother. She does a lot for me

I want to just shut my eyes until this is over but I have an assignment to do that I cannot concentrate on. My tutor gave me extra time and tonight is the cut off. Im going to fail my degree sad

VioletRoller Mon 27-Jun-16 15:04:21

I blocked him and deactivated my facebook when he started this

Dm is still demanding I reactivate facebook /saying I havent deactivated/lying

I printscreened my blocking of him and sent it to her

I understand her anger because if it weren't for me then he wouldn't be doing this. I have no idea what I am meant to do though, I was trying not to rock the boat to prevent this and she insisted I block. When I did cur ties the fall out is still my fault. I have no idea what Im meant to do I cannot control what he does.

She has been arguing with him online also and although her intentions were good I told her all he is looking for is reactions and shes rewarding his behaviour. sad

He keeps calling with no breaks on private numbers and my phone is over heating and barely Im not sure if this will post

VioletRoller Mon 27-Jun-16 15:06:18

The house I wanted doesn't accept HB sad
Im tempted to just run to a hostel I cant take this anymore. And I cant say that to her it would make it worse.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 27-Jun-16 15:12:09

Then do just that.
Contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with all of this.
Your mother is a big big issue here.
If my DD had been through this I'd be supporting her beyond anything I can imagine right now.
Get away from all of them!
It will do you the world of good.
Then you can do the Freedom Programme to avoid these abusive men in the future.

CharlotteCollins Mon 27-Jun-16 15:18:28

I can understand why you want to defend your mother (because she is your mother!) but she is no good for you at the moment. It sounds like you have very low reserves of strength and tbh, she's sapping those last reserves.

Talk to WA, as hellsbells said. You'll get real support there.

VioletRoller Tue 05-Jul-16 16:23:50

Things are a lot better now. The anger stopped, then it was incredibly sad messages which I hated thinking of him writing, then anger again when I seen friends instead of seeing him but I had to jump out of the car when in traffic because he was threatening me and refused to engage with him after. He's getting help now for his drinking, getting a lot of support on facebook. I'm glad but a bit put out too that if I had maybe posted looking for support for what he did to me I would be doubted, called a liar and "don't want to take sides but..."

VioletRoller Tue 05-Jul-16 16:26:14

I can't ring womens aid here, family would over hear. I should do it while out. I ranf before at a friends house the woman said it sounded like I had ptsd from the suffocation & strangling

Dm is feeling better too so that is good. We had a really nice family night out recently. A lot of laughing. smile

CharlotteCollins Fri 08-Jul-16 13:10:54

Another reason not to use facebook...

Glad you are having good times with your family and getting some distance from your ex.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? That could help you moving on.

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