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Handholding needed =(

(22 Posts)
loulou1626 Sun 26-Jun-16 15:33:07

My partner left me three months ago when I was nearly three months pregnant with our first baby which was planned, actually by his suggestion. We were together five years, happily I thought, and his behaviour since he left me had completely shocked me. We by no means had the perfect relationship, who does, but he never gave me the impression he was unhappy at all. We had a bit of a wobble last year due to some asshole, never did find out who, starting a rumour that me and a close friend of mine, who I've since cut contact with and haven't seen or spoken to since, were carrying on behind my ex's back. After a few turbulent weeks we got back on track and everything seemed great; not long after we decided to try for a family, something which he suggested. He was actively involved all decisions and was keen to try often and talk about it so all seemed wonderful. He started his dream job in january, over an hour's drive away, and I found out I was pregnant in early february having conceived in late january. We were both over the moon, he couldn't wait to tell his close friends and family though I kept trying to tell him to wait cos it was very early but he still told a few people, he wanted to discuss names, godparents etc and again all seemed very positive; he even sat with my family on mother's day when we told everybody and shared in the celebrations. We began to look for somewhere new to live which caused some rows as he wanted to move really close to his work which would take me out of my job and us both quite far from our families (the majority of his friends live in the town where he works) and I wasn't happy with this so we were looking fairly near to where we were currently living with the idea that if he was still struggling with the commute after the baby was born, we could look at moving closer. We asked my parents to help us with a deposit, had viewings booked for new flats, everything seemed great.

Middle of march he started acting weird, tired and moody which I orginally chalked up to his driving a lot, but then when I asked him he said that he had been feeling down lately and couldn't shake some negative thoughts out of his head about me and the friend that I had been accused of sleeping with. I was shocked but he still reassured me that he loved me very much, was very happy about the baby and would go and see someone to sort his head out as he just felt it was his own problem in his head kinda thing. A few days later, he returned home from a work event he had been at the previous evening, burst into tears, told me he couldn't do it anymore, that he was leaving, and that was it.

Since then, my life has been a complete car crash. He has rapidly gone from being reasonable and supportive to hostile, cold and just a complete stranger. We had to move out of the flat which was a ridiculously horrible and difficult event, he callously left all of the things I'd ever bought him in the flat for me to collect, told me that the baby was never conceived out of love but that he's been confused and unhappy for ages and should have left years ago among other absolutely awful things. I've had to move back in with my parents who are now having to support me and my unborn baby: in an attempt to get his parents to realise the gravity of the situation my dad and I met with his mum, a woman who I've always had a problem with but we've always got on reasonably well, who tried to turn the whole thing around on me, acted really horrible and accused my dad of threatening her when he stated that he was not prepared for everybody else to ignore the situation then turn up in a few months time with a teddy bear expecting all to be okay. Not long after this the dog, which he and I have looked after for over three years after taking her on from his family and were sharing since our split, was taken from me in a cruel and sneaky manner after he came to me proclaiming he wanted to be on good terms and be reasonable etc. It was his mother who informed me via a horrible text message that I would not be seeing her again as she was their 'family pet' (bearing in mind me and my family paid for all her upkeep for the last three years and they never paid a thing for any vet care) and that she will be staying with his mum until he gets himself sorted, as he's still living on a friend's sofa as far as I know. His sister, who I've always got on very well with, has been no better and basically the attitude is that he's done nothing wrong and I need to take responsibility, should have checked he was ready, shouldn't be 'making things difficult' cos he's coming to scans and is gonna pay maintenance which he's already looked into, my parents shouldn't get involved among a whole lot of other rubbish. Even when explaining that since he's left he's told me to get rid of the baby multiple times, tried to make me feel guilty for keeping the baby, has demanded a dna test and said 'he always wanted one' yet has been acting like I've refused to do one which I haven't, that he doesn't want to be the birth ( as I was accused of keeping him from being there) and didn't hardly look at the screen during the first scan and has admitted that he feels nothing for the baby, I'm still completely in the wrong.

I've been struggling so much. When they took the dog and the message from his mother was sent, my dad stepped in and said that I could not continue to be put under all this stress and informed him and his mother that none of them were to contact me again and if they did, he would look at getting lawyers involved. I still got a message from his sister on the morning of my 20 week scan asking when it was before she sent another claiming she had no idea that they weren't to contact me which just seemed a bit weird.

It's been a month now, he still has my deposit for the flat which he had to organise getting back cos for some reason it was registered in his name, the dog is being passed back and forth between his mum and his sister and has already escaped twice which they seem to find funny, I switched off my facebook ages ago as it was just full of posts of him out partying with his new friends from work, one of whom I was suspicious about just before he left me and he's spent the majority of his time with her since he's left and has even booked a holiday with her and her friends around the time that I'm due. He denied it all repeatedly, as did his sister, during the time I was still in contact and I was inclined to believe it as I knew he was on tinder so why would he be if he was seeing her, but after reactivating my facebook today I see that his sister is now friends with her on facebook...I know it sounds pathetic but it's just sent alarm bells ringing in my head and I just feel like such an absolute mug. I don't know what was the point of denying anything.

I'm just so confused and heartbroken. He wanted this baby and has just acted as though I did it to try and trap him and that I'm keeping the baby to get him back. He has no idea he's having a son and the whole thing is just so goddamn difficult, everytime I feel like I'm getting somewhere it just hits me all over again. He's just completely changed and I don't know why he had to not only break us but smash everything into a million pieces. Sorry this is so long but some words of wisdom/advice would be nice =(

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 26-Jun-16 16:06:50

He's an arsehole. Maybe he always was and just hid it well.

But now you've seen him in his true colours, and in time you'll probably be grateful for that.

Told you to get rid of your baby, demanded a DNA test. The actions of a dyed-in-the-wool fucking arsehole. Still, in the long-run it should make it easier to detach from him and get on with the wonderful life you have ahead of you.

"Living well is the best revenge". Remember that because it's true.

loulou1626 Sun 26-Jun-16 16:47:41

thanks Bitter, but I think it's definitely going to be a very long-run. Plus, he really isn't clever enough to have hidden it even if he was, and it really has baffled me cos honestly, and even all my friends and family have agreed, this is so out of character for him. There's so much I don't understand, like how he expects to see his child regularly, as he has said he will be involved and support the baby (along with cussing me out) when he's living over an hour away, or why he's doing all of what he's doing when it's just completely pointless if he's just gonna turn around and not be involved in the end, or why he's denied the new girlfriend when that was also gonna come out eventually, it just makes things harder in terms of ever being able to trust him around the baby. I even gave him the option of not being involved, said I wouldn't chase him for money and he still wasn't happy. I begged him to see someone, even to just come to terms with the baby and so we could be on good terms but he refused, and when he took the dog I asked him outright how the hell did he expect me to ever trust him or his family with my baby and he still just acted like he hadn't done anything wrong. I just don't get it.

loulou1626 Sun 26-Jun-16 19:22:00

Bumping to see if anybody else has any advice or has any experience in such a situation.

Zumbarunswim Sun 26-Jun-16 19:22:05

That's terrible what he has done to you. I'm glad you have your family to look after you. Congratulations on the baby - soon you will have someone in your life you'll love more than you ever thought possible. I can't comprehend how shitty your exes behaviour has been, hand holding from me flowerschocolate

ThePinkOcelot Sun 26-Jun-16 19:35:52

Definitely sounds like OW has been around longer than he is admitting to. He, and his family have behaved appallingly. I wouldn't trust him with your baby, in fact if it were me, I don't thins I'd even put his name on the birth cert! Look after yourself OP!

hownottofuckup Sun 26-Jun-16 19:52:59

I've kind of been in a similar situation, I just wanted to say I found the pregnancy really really hard. I kind of disassociated myself from it. But once my son was born I ceased to give a shit about anything else tbh.

If at any point he changes his mind about being there when the baby is born, personally I would (and did) say no to him being there during labour as that was about me and my comfort, but the moment the baby was in the room it would be about the baby and he could be there then.

Step away from Facebook. Try and focus on your future and your baby. You know there is no going back. I tried going back, it just made the whole thing drag on longer. What we had once had had been completely annihilated and going back just made that more apparent and me angrier and sadder.

There are lots of others in your situation, it's not all happy families and you and your son really won't be the odd ones out, don't ever think that.
And what ever you do, don't let your ex fill your mind so that you miss out on such a precious time in your and your childs lives.

loulou1626 Sun 26-Jun-16 20:35:02

Thank you Zumbarunswim, much appreciated!

ThePinkOcelot I know, it just confuses me cos a few of my friends came across him on tinder not long after he left me so I don't understand why he did that or why he's lied about her cos it would have to come out eventually. Though I do question the sanity of anybody who gets involved with someone who leaves their long term partner pregnant. Glad you said that cos I definitely won't be, much as it breaks my heart, because he's asked for a dna test and though I think he's just saying it for the sake of justifying his actions, he can apply for one cos I'm not gonna accept all that abuse and then pretend it never happened.

hownottofuckup I'm sorry something similar happened to you, it's just not right. It's reassuring to hear you say that cos I go back and forth, sometimes I'm so excited and happy, other times I feel so scared, unhappy and disassociated, like you said. Did your feelings chance as soon as your son was born or was it gradual?

Oh god no, he's not coming anywhere near me even if he wanted to. For one thing, I think my mum would most likely kill him before he could even try.

This was the first time I've been on there for over a month as I deactivated it a while ago purely to avoid this sort of crap. It just baffles me, he's so resentful of his own child yet he's been spending time with his toddler nephews and proudly sharing pictures from what I saw today, what the hell is that about =/ Why did you try going back? Is your ex involved with your son?

I know, I try and tell myself that it could be worse. It just drives me nuts; almost wish I had the gurantee that at some point he's gonna wake up and regret what he's done to me and our son just so I could have the satisfaction of telling him to sod off. It's just incredibly difficult cos none of it makes any sense at all.

hownottofuckup Sun 26-Jun-16 20:59:27

Yea the moment his was born I think, which surprised me in a way I didn't expect it.

I think I tried going back because the pull of being 'a real family' was just so strong I almost tried to blindsight myself into it. I realise now that was batshit crazy. We are a real family!

Yes he does see him, considering he wanted him aborted his face was a picture when he first saw him.
Funnily enough we're on pretty good terms now. I'd say we're friends. It takes time though. And healthy boundaries!

I think I will always feel just a little bit defensive of my son. I keep it to myself, but there's just that part of me that can't forget that if he'd had his choice my son wouldn't be here. Maybe that will pass in time too.

You're parents sound great. Mine were really supportive too and it was lovely having their love and support, wonderful really.

It's quite possible you'll never really get an answer as to why.

loulou1626 Sun 26-Jun-16 21:28:49

hownottofuckup It's really great to hear that you felt that way for your son right from the start, as I've been so worried about it. I've been struggling with feelings of guilt because I so longed for a child that would be like my ex, or how he used to be, and now I'm terrified of that happening and it breaks my heart.

I think I'll always feel that way too. I was extremely insulted when he and his family seemed to gloss over that fact and act as though he's honourable for going to scans and saying he'll pay maintenance; I have to go to scans and I've forked out tons of money already, doesn't automatically make me a good mother! I can't hold out hope he'll react the same way as your ex did; when his sister gave birth to his nephews (twins) he was very awkward when around them, though he did go nuts in buying them presents and obviously now they're older he's very interested but that doesn't reassure me.

I'm glad you had that support, it really does make all the difference. They're amazing, a bit over protective now perhaps but that's to be expected. They're under the impression that he and his family won't give a toss once the baby's here, as they haven't really from the start aside from the nasty stuff, but I think that's wishful thinking.

I'm just terrified of what's to come. I can't trust him or his family and I don't want them anywhere near my son, and in a way I don't even know what I want from him at the end of the day; any possible outcome is just full of pain and difficulty and I just feel that I'll be the bad guy for wanting to protect my son, as I'll just be seen as some bitter ex who wants to use the baby as a weapon I imagine.

Zumbarunswim Sun 26-Jun-16 21:37:24

My first son wasn't planned and although my ex never said the word "abortion" he did talk to me quite harshly about "you need to think about your options" (He was my ex when we accidentally got pregnant so it's different from you in that respect and also he wasn't as shitty as your ex has been and his family have always been lovely) I still can't comprehend how his family can take his side and do this to you when you are vulnerable. Vile of them. Anyway, yes my ex cried when he saw our son and was overwhelmed that he had "finally done something worthwhile with his life" Our relationship was mostly repaired and he had a doomed reconciliation attempt. He took time to step up to the mark but once our son was more interactive became a wonderful father. I now think that him saying about thinking of my options will be something he has to live with for the rest of his life but,for me, I have forgiven him-he has been a decent father for 10 years and actually almost as good as a friend when I recently came out of an abusive relationship. Time and experience is a good healer. Obviously your ex has a long way to go as he hasn't even seen how shitty his behaviour is. I hope things improve for you. Also I'm glad your mum would be willing to protect you from your ex-that is the sort of family love and support you need. flowers

loulou1626 Sun 26-Jun-16 21:57:39

Zumbarunswim I'm glad that your ex is a good father to your son and it's very admirable of you to forgive him in my opinion, but that obviously shows that you're a good person. I'm also glad that you came out of an abusive relationship! What a strong lady you must be flowers

His mother isn't a nice person, though she thinks she is. She's very self absorbed and the ironic thing is that he doesn't actually get on that well with her, would actively avoid her a lot and see her out of guilt and duty sort of thing a lot of the time, so it baffles me. She's the kind of person that sent him an abusive email three years ago after he went to visit his dad's side of the family who he's now close to, as he hadn't been when his parents were married because they all hated his mum (for obvious reasons!) and had no remorse for that whatsoever. When his sister was pregnant she did nothing to help, didn't even buy them a pack of nappies, but that's just what she's like. His sister does surprise me, though she's left her partner multiple times over the years and always gone back and actually got together with him when his son was only a few months old so it just speaks volumes really. Their attitude is very much that if he wasn't happy then he's done the right thing, never mind the fact that this baby was planned at his suggestion or the fact that I would never have willingly put myself into such a financially and emotionally crippling situation if I had known, but hey apparently it's still my fault.

I'm in two minds really. Because this is so insanely out of character and because he's off acting like a knob doing things he never used to, such as out partying all night, spending time with people he didn't even know a few months ago, being irresponsible and immature and basically sticking his head in the sand, I have to wonder how much of this is him being in complete denial, but then the other part of me can't ignore how far he's taken this when there was absolutely no need to. I don't know anybody who could do this and expect anyone to just hand over a baby without any concern. Thank you, I have a very big protective family, who have done a ridiculous amount for him over the years, way more than his own family, and obviously I am so incredibly grateful, especially for the fact that my son will have a decent role model to look up to with his grandad.

Zumbarunswim Sun 26-Jun-16 22:29:36

It took time. I was FURIOUS with him after the "think about your options" chat and didn't speak to him for weeks, went to the first scan on my own, was very angry with myself for getting myself tied to ex for life, during our reconciliation attempt he was good with our son but the damage was done and, anyway, it felt like he was just with me for our son as he hadn't chosen to be properly with me before him. Once we split up for good I kind of felt sorry for him and found him repellent if I'm honest. When I had to leave my abusive husband he was very kind to me which healed a lot of old wounds and also appreciate all the ways in which he had been good so it's been a long road but after 10 years we have a good co-parenting relationship. He doesn't want me to tell our son quite a lot of what he used to be like so that's his issue and burden to carry. I always knew I'd love my son and I do, he is a joy grin most of the time.

Zumbarunswim Sun 26-Jun-16 22:31:16

Oh and not sure if you are planning on breastfeeding baby but it has its advantages ( in keeping baby close to you when baby is young)

loulou1626 Mon 27-Jun-16 07:48:17

Zumbarunswim I'm glad it ended up working out well for you, and that your son is a joy, though I had no doubt about that! I don't know what it would take for me and my ex to even be on good terms, let alone co-parent well. He point blank refused to be on good terms as he felt that not talking about the relationship was the way to be on good terms, never mind the fact that he'd told me to get rid of the baby and everything else.

I've just woken up so angry today cos of the OW and the fact that I always suspected it but was made to feel like I was an idiot and like everything was my fault and even if he wasn't actually with her when he left, it's clearly been in the pipeline and I can't see how people actually think it's appropriate when he has a baby on the way! Argh!!

Yeah I am intending to, milk willing haha. I already got some stick about that before all contact was cut, mainly being 'told' that I could express so that he could take the baby out. As you can probably guess, this was his sister who never breastfed and was speaking on the behalf of somebody who didn't really seem that bothered about visiting the baby to begin with. Ughhh, just want to get a sledgehammer and smash things!

Zumbarunswim Mon 27-Jun-16 13:14:29

You'll get there in time. It's such a shitty thing he's done and he'll rewrite history to make you the bad one. Be kind to yourself. cake

blowmybarnacles Mon 27-Jun-16 13:27:47

I have no experience of this so my advice is more what I would do.

Your DP has behaved appallingly. He has to lay the blame at your door as the guilt and the huge shitty implications are all his, otherwise.

I would take a purely business like approach. The past is past, move on from him and take control of your life without him.

Discuss the baby, nothing else.

Did-engage from his family. Delete, block etc, nothing for you to concern yourself with now.

You have got through all the worst, and have been very strong. The best is to come - your child

Be the mum you want to be.

SandyY2K Mon 27-Jun-16 14:09:53

I'd block his family and only communicate on baby related matters.

In fact now you can say you'll inform him after the birth.

He's been awful to you.

Puff42 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:13:25

I'd think twice about putting him on the birth certificate to be honest. I'm so sorry he has turned out to be such a complete asshole.

Be a great mum and enjoy your baby. That will be the best revenge.

loulou1626 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:33:00

Zumbarunswim I know, I just don't understand why, what the hell was the need to make things this bad? Could have just split up and done things amicably so I don't know what the hell he thinks he's achieved apart from making things incredibly hard for himself in the long run. Thank you I'll try to be.

blowmybarnacles your advice is very appreciated and helpful, thank you. That was how the approach was being handled but it still managed to blow up and get even worse. I'm just terrified really, I don't want any of them near my baby cos I'm afraid of what will happen.

SandyY2K they've been told they can't contact me so that's already done, but I would have agreed with you if I hadn't already done it haha. I don't really have any intention of informing him to be honest, he knows when the due date is although he's probably forgotten seeing as he forgot the date for the last scan after being told four times. I know, just wish I knew why.

Puff42 That has been the advice given by a lot of people and it's what I'll do cos he gave me so much grief about a dna test, he can bloody well pay for one even if he backtracks on those comments. Thank you, it's come as a huge shock to me and makes no sense at all, never will understand how someone can plan a baby, be super excited and happy about it for over a month after finding out we're having one and then just completely turn on me and, even worse, that people think it's okay! Thank you, I really will try to be!

CitySnicker Mon 27-Jun-16 15:43:33

Fuck him. If you've paid for the dog and have proof of upkeep, he is yours. I'd go mental on that front.

loulou1626 Mon 27-Jun-16 16:46:38

CitySnicker it's impossible to do anything because even though I've paid the majority of bills and stuff for her as he used to pay more rent than me, she is legally registered in his family's name, something I thought he'd changed when we got her and updated her chip and insurance information. It's awful, I did go mental cos it absolutely broke my heart (still incredibly hard to deal with now) and it was agreed by a lot of people including my dad's lawyer that she had been taken out of spite. If we can't even share a dog amicably I don't know he ever expects me to trust him or his family with my son. So awful.

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