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Do I give him another chance?

(9 Posts)
LightningBolt99 Sun 26-Jun-16 14:50:28

I know I'm the only person who can really answer this, but I've got no-one to talk this through with and really need to get this off my chest.

I've NC for this as I don't want my other thread linked to this one.

So, very long story short;
Been together nearly 17 years with a 15 yr old DC. Since almost day one (started when I was PG) he has been controlling, coercive in many ways including sexually, invaded my privacy, effectively stalked me, aggressive and violent (though never actually hit me).
For the past few years things have been a lot better in terms of his behavior but I have spent all of our years together feeling trapped, walking on egg shells, not knowing what mood he'll be in, feeling guilty/ashamed about things that I now know were not my fault.

I have recently told my him that I want to end our relationship and told him why.
He has now admitted all of the above but is adamant that he has changed and is no longer that person, has sought out and signed up for a mens programme for perpetrators of EA and desperately wants me to give him another chance to prove himself.

My problem is this;
Whenever he talks about any of it he's always very careful to add in the past and how I used to be and these are the words that stick in my mind, like he's trying to play it down somehow.
I'm also struggling to think clearly, I try to look at it rationally and it all seems to make sense and I think I'd be better on my own and then I see that he is really making an effort, he tells me how he'll do anything etc and it all sounds so plausible that I'm back to square one in my head feeling it will be OK and possibly that it will be easier to carry on as we are.

We're living under the same roof which is making it harder, he's so sad and upset, and it's really awkward. How do I decide what is for the best while living with this guilt over his hurt and the pressure I feel for keeping him hanging? I can't ask him to move out as the house is just as much his as mine, and besides he has nowhere to go (and neither do I).

I just don't know what to do. I do love him, but I just don't know if it's enough anymore.

thestamp Sun 26-Jun-16 15:31:00

You're struggling to think clearly because he doesn't want you to think clearly.

Do right by yourself and your child and end the relationship. Are you in the UK? If so, there are options for housing. He needs to go. He has been terrorising you. And now he is still terrorising you - just in a different way, which you're unfamiliar with so it's making you doubt yourself.

BubblingUp Sun 26-Jun-16 15:35:25

He's still manipulating you. I don't think these types ever really change. They just find new ways to manipulate.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 26-Jun-16 15:36:38

Doesn't matter what's he has done in so much as if you don't want to live with him anymore you don't have too.. He doesn't get to tell you what will happen anymore.

Have a trial separation. You might find he grows up and becomes a decent person and partner. You might find he doesn't. Either way your choice whether to have him back or not but it's a good way to get him out. Maybe say you want things to be better but you'd like space and this is the best way to achieve you being together.... wink.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 26-Jun-16 15:45:42

No, you don't. Not after years of him having "been controlling, coercive in many ways including sexually, invaded my privacy, effectively stalked me, aggressive and violent". Why would you? He doesn't deserve a chance. He's already had 17 years of chances.

(though never actually hit me). Well, aren't you the lucky one! Very good of him not have slapped or beaten you. But the coercive control is just as damaging. Probably even more so.

"He's changed"? No, he bloody hasn't. It's all a pretence to lull you into a false sense of security. He'll be back to his real self soon enough, he can't help himself, it's ingrained into his character.

Just because you think you have nowhere to go is not a good enough reason to live with this absolute shit of an abuser. And not a good enough reason to have your child witness this dreadful abuse for 15 long years.

"Has sought out and signed up for a mens programme for perpetrators of EA"

An excellent place for devious abusers to pick up useful tips on new and inventive ways to abuse you further.

Contact Womens Aid: they will help you get out of there.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 26-Jun-16 16:04:08

He has changed, OK , that's wonderful in the unlikely case that it is true. Let's pretend he has succeeded in this change.

What about you? Have you changed yet?

Have you stopped policing your own behaviour around him? Do you do all the things he would normally try to control? Can you act like a woman who is in no way controlled when you are around him?

Make it about you, not him.

Make a list. Do absolutely everything "normal" that would drive him nuts if he were still a controlling arsewipe. The way you talk to him, the things you do socially, the clothes you wear, the way you think about his reactions, the housework, you know everything you've altered to stop him from kicking off.

If you can't behave like a normal independent woman around him then you can't be together even if he has changed.

If he can't behave himself when you behave like a normal independent woman then you can't be together.

hownottofuckup Sun 26-Jun-16 16:10:08

Signing up to courses doesn't change you, you need to actually go, engage and complete them.
Habitual behaviour isn't changed overnight, it takes commitment and work.
He needs to recognise this, work on it, and respect how long it takes for you to decide what you want to do going forward.
If he isn't willing to do that, then to my mind he's exhibiting the exact same controlling behaviour, just dressed up in another package.

NearlyAlmostDidIt Sun 26-Jun-16 22:31:50

He almost certainly won't change

Men like this don't (sadly)

My ex did the abusers programme, promised me the world and delivered nothing

A year after telling him I'm not giving him any more chances, he is still asking for "just one more chance, I promise I'll make you happy"

He doesn't. And hasn't for too long

End it and walk away

LightningBolt99 Sun 26-Jun-16 22:57:00

Thanks for the replies all, feel disloyal posting here tbh and underhanded somehow, but I really have no-one else I can talk it through with. It's helping just to get it out!

RunRabbit you're right, I need to make this about me. And I just can't see how I'll ever be the real me again while he's still in my life.

Going I want to tell him that I need some space but don't think he'd agree to leave.

I feel like I can't breathe, like I'm suffocating. I can't think straight while he's here looking sad. I'm sure it's not conscious, but it feels like he's trying to guilt trip me into giving things another try. Which then makes me wonder how much he actually does "get" what he's put me though, despite what he says.

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