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I am putting of having another child due to my relationship with pil(19 Posts)
To cut a very long story short; I feel totally overwhelmed by my PIL and their relationship with our daughter. So much so that I don't want a second child.
To give a bit of background, my mum died not long before DD was born. I miss her all the time and feel very alone without her. My dad is around and we have contact but he isn't a very 'baby' person and he also leads a very busy life. We see PIL regularly.
MIL is a fun and caring grandmother. She is good with DD. I do I know that I am lucky that they love DD and that they care for her. They do help out too; although that is only to get more time with DD.
But I do feel that to be close to DD, MIL feels like she has to block me out. It has been said that as a mother of boys, our DD is the daughter she didn't have. There are lots more examples I could give but I don't want to write an essay.
I also have a lot of trouble with them as I feel that they ignore the fact that my mum is dead and are totally insensitive to the fact I miss her enormously.
Now they and DH have started putting pressure on about a second child. I always thought I would have 2 children, and relatively close together, but I can't face it because of them. I feel that with another child, I will end up feeling more and more isolated and alone; whilst PIL take over our lives and our children.
DH and I had agreed to start trying around now but I feel very reluctant to. I feel very mixed up as I wonder whether I am just being completely stupid and depriving my daughter, my husband and myself of a sibling / second child.
To be honest, I don't know if PIL are even that bad. I am aware I have my own issues regarding my mother's death to deal with. But as time goes on I feel completely squashed by PIL and DH; alone and isolated and I can only imagine a second child making that much worse.
Final point; very difficult to talk to DH about this as he sees PIlL as nothing but doting grandparents.
How old is dd? Is there any reason behind the pressure. For whatever reason you aren't yet in the right place for another child. Tell that to your dh , without mentioning your pils. I'd suggest you speak to your gp as it sounds as if your MH may not be at its best atm.
She's 2.5. Pressure coming from dh as he wants a sibling for DD. And from pil because they are desperate for another gc.
I think you should consider a few weeks of individual counselling just to sort it all out in your head.
Expecting ILs to really be sensitive to a bereavement after the initial first few months have passed is looking for punishment. They didn't suffer a bereavement and they soon forget. The whole world forgets.
But a bit of counselling would help you figure out exactly what you were expecting from them in that area. Do you expect them to bring your Mum up in conversation on a semi regular basis? Do you expect them to avoid certain figures of speech or certain topics cos you lost your Mum some time ago? You need to just work it all out for yourself.
If you need the in-laws to back off and give you space, would your dh support you?
Can you say no to their visits and 'help'?
I think not trying for another while you sort out these issues is a good thing. Maybe they are too much because of your loss (so sorry ) or maybe they would be too much anyway. If your dh is not sensitive to your position, maybe relationship counselling is the way forward. While very much staying on contraception.
Yes I am having some counselling. I suppose I am posting here to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
It's not just about my mum's death. That is something that makes things harder for me. It's also about my mil doing everything in her power to be over dominant in my dd's life. But maybe all GMs are like that?
It's your body, your decision.
I agree that you should present various reasons not to that are not related to pil.
It was suggested to me that 4years was the best time gap so the first could develop their own identity. You could read up on child development for other reasons.
Also, when it comes time for university fees, it will be a relief to not have two in at the same time.
Get a puppy?
Don't have another baby just yet, your not ready
It might be yours pils
It might be your Dh
It might be your grief over your mother
But right now your not ready.
You sound very alone and I'm sending you a ((hug))
I know how over enthusiastic pils can be and if your Dh isn't really supporting you on this there is no surprise you are feeling overwhelmed and pushed aside.
Your body - you choose when you put another baby in there.
Be honest with your Dh. Tell him you are not ready. Give him reasons only if you want to. You don't have to explain anything to PIL either.
On a side note, there is a difference to over enthusiastic pils and toxic pils. You need to have a good think about which camp they fall in to and work from there. Good luck
There's more to unpick here. Can you give examples of their behaviour? Are they in your house all the time? I remember reading that Katie price found it very hard to bond with junior because she was overwhelmed with family pretty much doing everything for her/him - so much so that she felt it caused some of her pnd. Sorry for the random example but your post reminded me of that description.
Sorry for your loss, it must be terribly difficult.
Is there anyway you could have a long chat with mil and talk though how you are feeling? A close mil/dil relationship can be very special. I'm lucky enough to have one (it has taken some long chats and tears along the passage of time, so no fairytale). She might really want to help you, but not want to try to replace your DM.
You haven't given any examples apart from them pressuring you to have another child, which already sounds a bit intrusive, to my mind.
I am a grandmother and my dd and dgd live with me, but I have never felt that it would be healthy to take over anything to do with my dgd. If I am asked for help and I can, I give it.
Very hard to lose your DM so close to having your DD. Two major life events with huge associated stresses.
Very very easy to resent your MIL just for being here when your DM is not.
Grief mixed with postnatal stuff - massive thing to get over, and having another DC could cause echoes of those feelings all over again.....assuming that you have even dealt with them in the first place, which I suspect you have not had time or space to do.
Put the next DC on hold, and , if necessary, ask MIL to keep out of your bedroom activity, thank you very much!
Keep with the counselling.
Let it be known that the more she pushes you, the more you will dig in against the idea.
I agree with PP that in her own way she might be trying to be helpful. What she doesn't get is that every time you see her, you are reminded that your own DM is absent. Perhaps she could back off a bit to give you some much needed space and time to process your new status.
You can work through this.
What sort of stuff do they do? It's all about context really; I'm off to see my folks next week. They're excited about seeing ds for the first time in their country and have bought a pushchair, bath, highchair, toys etc. I'm totally fine with that because they're loving and crucially they have good boundaries. But I've seen threads on here where GMs have bought a whole nursery for their own home with the intent of pushing out the mother so same action but different meaning and different dynamics.
I think some counselling would be a very good idea . It will allow you to untangle two different than a that are upsetting you. One is the fact your DM has passed and you miss her - that's not the PIL's fault and for this you need to accept your feelings and try to find methods of coping
The second thing though is them pushing you out. That's NOT ok, ever. For those cations you need to work with your DH to put down good boundaries. This only works if dh is on board. Is he?
My Dad died a couple of months before I had DD. I found it very hard, and I can only imagine that losing a mother around this time is worse, so I am very sorry for your loss. I did have counselling, but only after I had been hospitalised with PND. It took a while for me to to be in a better place with it tbh. My in-laws were far too full on, but my situation made it worse. I think a bit further along in the counselling, you may well be clearer about whether they (in-laws) are truly unreasonable, or you are still grieving and finding it understandably harder, or a bit of both
I don't think there's anything wrong with the comment about dd being 'the daughter she didn't have'. I've often heard it from gms in her position, delighted to have the chance to buy pretty clothes and play with doll's houses. It doesn't have to have a sinister intent. I'm sure she'd be horrified to hear that you regard it as some sort of take-over bid.
Your dd is your dd. You're her mother. No one can replace you. You see much more of her than she does. But how lovely for dd to have a devoted grandmother.
Agree with pp's. It must be horribly traumatic to have to cope with your mother's death at this stage in your life. I do hope your counselling will help you through this v difficult time.
Thank you all for your kind replies.
As for examples; well there are many. It all started when I was pregnant and mil would just not stop going on about how her life was going to change. It sounds nothing but it was wearing, especially as I'd just lost my mum. They prepared a nursery at their place before we'd even done ours (found it hard to get things ready as was feeling depressed). Again, something nice but it was all about them. 'We've got the baby's room all ready for when it comes to stay with us'. On dd's last birthday, mil sent so many presents and we spent all evening with them on FaceTime. By the time she came to open our presents she was too tired. And we only got to do a 5 minute FaceTime with my dad. When we went on holiday with them and took DD to the beach for he first time, mil actively encouraged me to stay at the house on my own, saying I should rest, which could be seen as nice, but I was on holiday! I wanted to see my DD playing on the beach too. DD is currently ill and mil is putting pressure on to be the one to come over and look after her. I'm here fgs!
These examples may sound petty but it's always like this and I am constantly made to feel like the unwanted extra person.
It would be nice to try to talk to mil about it but I don't think she will understand. My dh doesn't. So it's pretty hard.
I will keep on will my counselling. So many things that have been said ring true. And I will tell my dh that a second baby will have to wait until I've worked through what's going on in my head.
Yep that's too much - Jesus I'd be suffocated with that.
Start standing up for yourself. If you feel that's it's too much remind her your dd mum.
"Oh whatthe you stay at home and I'll take dd to the beach"
"No thank you mil, Ive been looking forward to seeing my daughter paddle"
"Oh whatthe I'll come over and look after dd while she is ill"
'No thanks mil, she just wants me, her mummy, thanks though"
Tbh your Dh should be sticking up for you, if you are saying it's an issue he needs to listen and intervene.
By the way she wouldn't understand she would see it as a huge slight against her. My mil thought that dd was an extension of her son - therefore she felt just as important as me.
If it's getting you down op and you can't open up or be taken seriously to your Dh you need to think about how long you can actually put up with this. Thankfully I have a Dh who knows his mother is pushy and held her back a bit
Yep they are too much and need to give you go and your DH space as parents.
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