I'm going to try and keep this as brief as I can, because there's just so much of it.
I've been here for a while now under one name mainly and I've talked quite extensively about the emotionally abusive childhood/adolescence/adulthood/relationship with my mother. My dad was also emotionally abused by her and his frustration/anger about this manifested in physical abuse against me.
Typically dysfunctional family; I was the scapegoat, my younger sibling was the Golden Child with all of the shit that goes with that too.
My mother spent my entire life criticising me. From an early age I knew I was a disappointment and an embarrassment. I couldn't tell you a single thing my mother/parents liked about me, but I could fill several sides of A4 with everything they didn't like. Everything from every aspect of my appearance, intelligence, personality, character traits, just everything about me. It would seem that I didn't have a single redeeming feature.
I've been NC with her for about 4 years. My dad died 6 months later.
I have posted about this on the feelings it has left me with many times. People reply, but I still can't change how I feel. I can't afford therapy, I can barely afford to meet my essential monthly outgoings so there is no room to forgo a night out or whatever to cover it.
I have had a series of physically, emotionally and financially abusive relationships as an adult. When I told my mother about the first one, she told me I was lucky anyone was willing to take me on and I should be careful not to provoke him in future because he might dump me next time (instead of hitting me). I was 18 at the time and so it continued.
One thing I really struggle with, is that I have never been loved. I'm now completely on my own. I have two children 10 and nearly 18. I work full time, but I work on short term contracts because I can't handle the feelings of inadequacy that go with having a permanent job.
When my marriage ended 4 years ago, I didn't have a single real life friend. I knew a few people, but I didn't know any of them well enough to even tell them my marriage had ended. In absolute desperation, I reached out to people IRL and built up a small 'friendship group'. I put that in ' ' because I've never really felt that they are true friends. I struggle to trust and let people in. There are a couple of people who have seen beyond the 'self' I show others and have worked out some of the issues I have. They have told me that I do keep people at arms length and that, unfortunately, it works. I was very saddened to hear this because I've tried very hard with these people.
This friendship group is made up of about 10 - 15 people. It's not a close, in each other's pocket, group, but there were a couple of people I was closer to than others and we were mostly long term single (between 8 and 12 years). Unfortunately, the single people in the group have, over the past 12 months, found partners. And I have found that once again, I don't have anyone.
I feel utterly bereft. I have cried almost constantly for the last month. And not because I'm miserable or wallowing. I'm fine when I'm with them, or my children, or at work, but as soon as I'm alone, my eyes literally start leaking and I can't stop it. The sadness at the feeling of loneliness and being alone is overwhelming me.
I don't have the resources or the opportunity or the time to start again with new friendship groups. These people are linked to my hobby. I love my hobby. I have another hobby which is important to my physical health and mental wellbeing but isn't really useful for meeting others, and I don't have the time or the money to start another. And, at my age (41), it's not easy to start again anyway.
I just feel utterly, utterly heartbroken. I've concentrated on trying to get to know people, build trust and friendships over the past few years and now feel that, as they socialise more in couples and just with their partners, that I am cast aside. Most of them have no idea how I feel, so it's not that they are avoiding whining, miserable me.
I've always been told that no one would like me/want me/love me whatever and I've tried so hard over the past few years to reprogramme my thinking. I look for evidence that people do value me in their actions. I'm kind but not a pushover; I'm considerate and positive, I challenge, I make people laugh, I remember things about themselves that they tell me, I'm not 'wrapped up in myself' and it makes no difference.
I know I keep a lot of 'me' to myself. My upbringing left a terrible legacy of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. I don't expect to be liked so I know that as soon as someone is unavailable or has made plans with someone else, I take it very personally. I never say anything, because on one level I think I'm being over sensitive, but I can't stop the voice that is telling me it's proof that everything my mother said is true.
I'm single and can't see that changing. I don't meet men generally, and rarely ones I'm attracted to, but it doesn't make any difference, because no one is attracted to me either! I don't ever get asked out. Men don't even make an effort to come and speak to me. I tried online dating, it was rather unsuccessful. My experience was that men are looking for someone younger and prettier than me so... I have no desire to try it again.
I take care of myself, I could probably stand to lose a stone, but I'm a size 12-14, I think I've got a 'nice' figure, I'm nothing special to look at but I'm not hideous. I smile. My hair is nice.
Whenever I read about the things I need to do to attract people, I do all the things. I'm positive and I don't moan; I publicly see the bright side; I stop to appreciate the world around me; I'm very much a 'see the doughnut and not the hole' person.
Yet, I'm still not likeable and I'm still not loveable.
The sadness is huge. I just wonder sometimes if she might have been right and people don't like me/find me attractive/love me because they can see all the things she said and maybe she was right after all.
I just don't know what to do.
I have posted on here before, it's just that every few months it becomes a huge issue for me again and I just don't seem to be able to get past it at all. There's part of me that just needs someone to tell me that, actually, some people are just intrinsically unlikable/unlovable and then I can work on just trying to accept that I'm one of them. At the moment, all i have is people telling me it's not true but that contradicts my lived experience and I'm just getting stuck.
I'm just so sad.
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32 replies
TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 26/06/2016 12:06
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