Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My closest friends have all implied I'm not in a good relationship and would appreciate your advice ?

(46 Posts)
Tinkerbellx Sun 26-Jun-16 11:04:12

Ok about 15 months ago I met a lovely man . I was 2 years out of a v unhappy 25 year marriage . 4 DC . 2 left and independent . 2 at home FT aged now 13 and 6 .
I was in a good place and ready I think to date .
He was newly out of a 25 yr marriage . She had an affair something he would never tolerate . I think maybe it wasn't the first one either . He was being remarkably strong for himself and his 17 yr old daughter . He buried himself in his work which took him abroad a lot .
We just got on . Neither of us wanted a relationship because he was moving away , so we spent a few months just walking when he was in the UK and having delicious dinners and talking for hours.
We then fell for each other and had a wonderful romance .
He never once lied to me because all along his house was up for sale and he was relocating to live abroad where his work and new life would be .
At one point he almost didn't go .
I gave him my blessing as hard as it was ( I was very attached at this point ) and encouraged him to follow his dream / career etc.
I knew if he stayed for me it was too soon and looking back he was on the rebound .I also knew he needed time to get over the loss of his 25 year marriage . It's a huge adjustment whatever the circumstances .
Anyway his daily texts became less frequent and we saw much less of each other as the time for his relocation neared .
Again he never lied to me .
We had the occasional lovely night away and he would be just as happy walking by the river as jumping into bed so I always knew he wasn't just seeing me for that .
Unexpectantly this month having been in the UK a lot more recently business abroad has taken a dive and he's moving it back to the Uk .
That's changed things for us but by now I think he'd detached more than me.
So yesterday we had the conversation . I had a feeling he was going to end it and is just remain friends which we will always be .
I asked him straight out what he wanted . He can't commit to a ' relationship ' at the moment ., and actually I can totally get that . This lovely honest man I can see is actually struggling for the first time . His whole future has changed , again . His house has sold but he hasn't found a new place yet . He has to move everything back to the UK and find a place that meets specific requirements for his business and he admitted to being a bit overwhelmed .
He said he doesn't want to hurt me or lose me but just with everything that's going on and work he has so little free time .
I told him I cannot commit anyway to any man who wants to see me twice a week as I have a career and two children to bring up . It would drive me nuts .
We agreed on seeing each other when he could , to continue to have dinner , walks and the odd romantic weekend away with great sex and absolute trust and honestly as always .
He's not looking for anyone else and I believe him . He said he understands if I want out as he's so unavailable.

We parted agreeing that he's going to give me some dates as soon as he knows himself and well book a weekend city break and have something to look forward to .
I think this is a great new chapter for us . Yes of course I'd like a bit more from him but I can see where he is right now and he's been again totally honest .
What's worrying me is my friends .
They never usually give advice but all 3 have clearly told me " you can do better and he's messing you around ' .
I really respect their opinions because they know me so I worry they are seeing something I'm not because I'm blinkered ????
Yes I love him and he knows I think .
It's never been said .
I just know him and he's genuine , honest , and sorting out a lot of crap in his life ... if he committed to a full relationship he would give it 100% and he can't right now .
I feel this is a fairly healthy compromise but my friends think I'm selling my short ?
Mumsnet is usually a great place for honest advice so I am doing ok ?
Should I listen to my friends who feel it's not good for me ?
Sorry it's so long X

Tinkerbellx Sun 26-Jun-16 11:08:35

Sorry ... Just looking at my title it should read in a ' not relationship ! "

donajimena Sun 26-Jun-16 11:09:17

Is this the Spanish man? Anyway irrelevant.
He's offering you crumbs. Don't accept them. I know you will be heartbroken but you will likely get your heart broken anyway.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 26-Jun-16 11:10:46

He's messing you around and wants sex and the "good bits" available on a casual basis. Sorry to be so blunt but it is what it is.

KinkyAfro Sun 26-Jun-16 11:12:08

I'm with your friends, his actions speak louder than words, he's got you 'on tap' when it suits him and you're letting him use you when he wants.

If he was interested, he'd make the time.

fuckincuntbuggerinarse Sun 26-Jun-16 11:12:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman Sun 26-Jun-16 11:13:33

He's told you all along that he's not going to settle down with you. God knows why you seem to think that's not 100% true if he's so honest.

It's a great new chapter for HIM. He clearly thinks of you as a great friend. This way he gets to have your company and sex whenever hes free. And he gets to be alone the rest of the time which is something he needs. He gets to plan a future that doesn't have you in it except on the periphery.

On the other hand you said that you can't commit to a bloke who only sees you twice a week and isn't interested in a relationship. . ....and then you follow that by saying "Call me! I'll be waiting and available!"

He knows you love him deeply. I'm sure it's far more obvious than you think. And I think he's very fond of you. But he's not in love with you.

Sooner or later you're going to get frustrated and it won't be his fault cos he's warned you at every step of the way.

But you adore him too much to stop, I see that. So best of luck.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 26-Jun-16 11:16:16

Yeah... he's just not that into you. Sorry.

Shirkingfromhome Sun 26-Jun-16 11:23:08

Always listen to your friends.

Tinkerbellx Sun 26-Jun-16 11:23:12

Elspeth ....thanks for your reply .
It must have read wrong . I meant I couldn't manage a partner who wanted to see me twice a week I haven't got time .
Crikey everyone thinks the same .
It really must be me then .
Well as hard as it is its honest so thank you .
Spanish guy ? No he's very English .

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jun-16 11:24:13

Well, I was happy to go along with your best attempts to put a positive spin on this FWB-type situation until I got to the bit where you say you "love him"

And then I changed your mind. You are trying to convince yourself (and us) that crumbs are enough. They are not. Not unless you can be as detached and pragmatic as he is....and from what you have written I doubt that

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jun-16 11:24:46

changed my mind

Joysmum Sun 26-Jun-16 11:24:55

I don't think he's messing you around. I think he's been entirely honest with you but you seem to be the one hanging on and hoping you can draw him in.

He values what he gets from you now, but only enough to make little changes and not for a fully committed relationship.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 26-Jun-16 11:31:01

OP - I've got a ex friend who's like you only she's been with her boyfriend for the past 8 years now... Not a sign of him moving in, commitment etc. he's also cheated on her (once she knows about they were on a break) a few times i think but she turns a blind eye to it, she got pregnant last year and had a miscarriage but before she had the miscarriage he was so vile and unsupportive to her that she broke it off after that.

There is more, my friend doesn't work (well sort of did but it was home work - don't want to mention more as could out her) but she basically has little confidence and her mum was very ill since died, so my friend's attempts to break up with the Boyfriend have all been at trying times.

Anyway you really don't want to be like my friend who literally it seems is all for the chemistry but lets this man treat her like dirt.

Listen to your friends if not us. If he really wanted you there'd be no excuses etc he'd just do it, regardless.

Mooey89 Sun 26-Jun-16 11:31:02

I think he clearly wants a casual relationship, friends with benefits, all the nice stuff, none of the commitment.
Ultimately, he's told you this. So I don't think he's stringing you along, more that you absolutely need to be sure that this is what you want, and you aren't just going along with it in the hope that he will suddenly drop everything and want you fully.

I've had 'relationships' like these, and they work for a while, all the time there are no feelings involved and everyone is on the same page. If one is in love with the other, it isn't going to work.

He's seeing other people too, how does that make you feel? That is the clincher.

eddielizzard Sun 26-Jun-16 11:42:45

you've got a fwb situation and that's fine as long as you're happy with that.

my concern is that if you are looking for a relationship, he's not the one who will give you that and you aren't really open to finding someone else while you still hold a flame for him.

so i'd think about what YOU want right now. he's been honest with you. you be honest with yourself. if you don't want a relationship, all good. if you do, you need to cut this right back and start looking for someone who is available.

LIZS Sun 26-Jun-16 11:45:39

If this relationship is taking up time you might prefer to spend on your dc , friends or looking for long term partner then it isn't worth it. If however you are happy to catch him as and when , on his terms, that is up to you not your friends.

Tinkerbellx Sun 26-Jun-16 11:48:03

Mooey89 ... Thanks for your reply .
No he's not seeing anyone he would tell me if he was . He's not wanting to either and i believe him .

I would tell him if I met someone and he trusts me.
I m probably justifying myself again but I really don't want someone who wants much more from me .. . I'd rather have my grown up time away from the family home now , however infrequent .
I've never really told him that so to be fair he may be thinking now things have changed and he's in the UK full time I'll expect him to meet the DC and and want things to move pretty quick !!! but I really really am not any where near thinking that .

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 26-Jun-16 11:52:16

Hes offering you the chance to be his stand in. To fill his time until he finds someone who does make him want a relationship. You'll plug the hole until that person comes along. If you were doing the same, it might work for you both - but you're not. You have feelings for him, which will only continue whilst you see him, and will ensure that he leaves you broken hearted when he moves on.

You seem to put a lot of faith in him being honest and not lying to you. Maybe he's not. He's not telling you the whole truth, though, or looking out for you, either. He knows he'll hurt you. He knows he doesn't have enough feelings for you to want a serious relationship. He's playing the game - both of you are ignoring the elephant in the room. And you're omitting to tell him that you love him, in the same way - although he knows, or he wouldn't have offered this rubbish arrangement. If you didn't have feelings for him, you'd be unlikely to consider being a placeholder for his next girlfriend.

In short, your friends are right.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sun 26-Jun-16 11:52:58

You're not looking for the same things from this. You ultimately want a relationship - he doesn't. So it's not going to work, especially if you now feel you love him. Break it off completely, for the sake of your sanity.

trafalgargal Sun 26-Jun-16 11:54:20

If he is never ready to commit to you long would you be happy for this arrangement to continue?

If it is indefinitely then fine but if it's because you want more then end it.
If he truly cares for you then your needs will be as important as his ......but at the moment it's all about what he wants and none of it is about what you want.

End it now and stay friends (without benefits) and if it genuinely is right person wrong time then maybe in the future you'll both be on the same page at the same time . If you hang on then with benefits readily available there's no incentive for him to change things or not take you for granted and it's likely to end with bitterness.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 26-Jun-16 11:55:43

A relationship means to me a person who is there for the rough times and the smooth.

Lovely walks, dinners and good sex are very much the smooth.

If you broke your leg, would he be the one taking time off work to help you out of the shower? Or would a work committment magic up and he couldnt help?

You may well not want someone to help you in those times, but i cant believe you value your time so little that you'd throw it away on good times rather invest it in something meaningful and fruitful?

The more time you spend with him, the more you will trust he'll be there for you, which is crushing when he isn't and has told you in plainest terms he won't be.

SlowJinn Sun 26-Jun-16 12:16:01

It sounds fine the way you have written it - a lovely genuine man, occasional meetings for walks or dinner or weekends away. Great sex. Delicious dinners. All fine and dandy, BUT if you love him, you will want more than he is prepared to offer. Especially as the years go by and your children become independent and your family commitments lessen, as they will. He will still be just the special friend you see now and then, and I think you deserve better.

Minime85 Sun 26-Jun-16 12:17:22

If you are happy and it suits your life then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks

Lemonlady22 Sun 26-Jun-16 13:22:26

i think the OP is trying to convince herself this is what she wants, when really it isnt....if hes not seeing anyone else at the moment he will be when someone else comes along thats as gullable as she is...sorry OP...hes not being honest with you, hes being manipulative

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now