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Ex rushing to introduce OW to DC - how to deal with it?

(12 Posts)
Pheonix1102 Sun 26-Jun-16 08:57:38

Hi all,

I posted briefly a couple of years ago about ex's affair and how the OW turned up at my doorstep with photos taken in our bedroom (including some focused on my DC's soft toys on the bedside table), a lie that she was pregnant and loads of hatred towards me and the ex who wasn't very quick in leaving home.

Ex and I then separated under the same roof and he finally moved out last August. He continued on and off with the OW and tried to cover it knowing how I feel about her after more than one occasion of conflicts.

I then went on to have a new relationship without involving my son (5-year-old). Ex bumped into my boyfriend a few weeks ago and he probably felt it's time for him to make his relationship with OW public. He suddenly got so enthusiastic about my relationship and encouraged me to introduce the new man to our son (without knowing him to any extent). I said are you planning to move her in and introduce to our son? He said yes.

I objected to no avail. The OW has moved in to the flat and ex is planning to have our son stay there with them next weekend saying he will sleep in the bedroom with our son and the OW on the sofa bed in the living room. Yesterday my son met the OW in the flat for the first time.

I am lost in terms of how to deal with the situation. I fully understand it is basically out of my control what he wants to do with my son during his weekend. He has so far been sensible with my son and I never worried about his wellbeing when with his father every other weekend. We have been separated long enough for him or me to move on and involve our son at some point. These are all my clear head thinking by the way and I don't always feel like this :-(

My main concerns are:
1. He is not introducing her gradually to my son's life. A brief hello yesterday and then stay over next weekend and going forward. That's too abrupt in my opinion regardless of the history.
2. From the history, she is not a decent person that I would trust my son with. Not so much about physical harm but more invisible emotional instability and manipulation. Her own son chose to stay with his step father in her home country over coming to the UK with her, she couldn't hold a job for long and has been kicked out of rented places several times from what I have heard. The thought of having someone like this around my son sickens me on top of the grudge I hold against the pair of liars.

Please can anyone share some experience and wisdom how I should deal with it? I can try to put the history behind and focus on my son. Can I ask his dad to have him during the day over his weekend and bring him back for dinner/sleep? Is it reasonable? Will my presence at his first introduction to the woman help him feel comfortable (if I behave and am friendly)?

Thanks!

Pearlman Sun 26-Jun-16 09:01:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsismyhero Sun 26-Jun-16 09:07:44

i know how you feel but unless your child is at risk of harm there is nothing you can do

i would be concerned about the lack of space for your child does he not have a room of his own?

Pheonix1102 Sun 26-Jun-16 09:11:02

No he lives in a one bed flat and he said a sofa bed will solve the problem.

TheNaze73 Sun 26-Jun-16 09:22:24

Let it go OP

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 26-Jun-16 09:32:34

How you handle it is bright and breezy when your DC mentions it 'That's nice did you have fun?' Listen to answer and move on to next thing. It is no more or less important to you than any other thing they do with your Ex.
To be honest he has waited nearly a year, compared to most men in a similar situation he has been thoughtful and fair. My Ex waited three days to have OW stay over with DC there.
Sofa bed is fine, it is a bed.

Pheonix1102 Sun 26-Jun-16 09:52:35

Yeah I realised it's not that bad compared to those who just walked off or exposed to DCs to all sorts without a second thought.
He didn't wait for so long to make the move though by the way. They broke up at some point and he recently came to a decent sum of inheritance. So the relationship has quickly moved to a new stage. When they broke up the woman called me out of blue to apologise saying she then knew that it wasn't me it was my ex being a bastard.

I politely told her I didn't want to know about their sagas and get the hell out of my life.

I admit I wasn't prepared for her to play a role in my son's life as he is still trying to come into terms with our separation. I heard him telling his friend one day that daddy lives here he just went to work. Later on he said to me he didn't want his friends to know and want to keep it a secret. It broke my heart and I have tried very hard to make sure he feels secure and settled in the situation.

I guess I will just have to get a grip and let it go.

fuckincuntbuggerinarse Sun 26-Jun-16 09:55:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

housewifedesperate Sun 26-Jun-16 10:36:48

Yes,agree with previous poster. My ex waited 3 weeks to introduce his new woman and home to his teenage daughters.
None of us had any choice and we all suffered as a result. There was nothing I could do at the time so we had to just 'suck it up' and I had to deal with the inevitable fallout.
It's horrible and truly heart breaking. I understand how you feel

blueskywithclouds Sun 26-Jun-16 10:46:03

Sorry if I have misread, but he has been with this woman 2years? So your ex has decided that this is a long term relationship? It doesn't sound like he has just rushed to introduce her to me. I know you have your feelings about her but I agree that you need to let it go.

Pheonix1102 Sun 26-Jun-16 11:00:13

2.5 years to be precise.

He tried to get back to me a couple of times and after he finally moved out they broke up.

The rush in my title was misleading I guess-was referring to the approach he has taken in the introduction. From my son's perspective, last weekend he was there with daddy, this week he saw a stranger in his flat, next weekend he is going to stay there overnight with this stranger. To me that is not gradual enough.
But all the points taken I will let it go. Thanks to all for your advice. Xx

Pheonix1102 Sun 26-Jun-16 11:03:02

It's bloody hard to not worry. Even when he was happily staying with daddy alone previously, he still woke up at night crying for mummy and now this.

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