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A year on and my ex still thinks I cheated

(65 Posts)
Newbie100 Sun 26-Jun-16 02:34:01

A year ago, my dds dad left me because he thought I had cheated. Long story short, all started on the train back from a family gathering he was out of control drunk and started accusing me...even spat In my face.
Anyways for some stupid reason I messaged him saying that I missed him.
And his reply was he can't forgive me until I admit what I've done and he knows for sure I have..
Just so upsetting that he truly believes I have and I don't know what I can do to make him believe I haven't.
Should I just forget him well and truly now and move on..

apatheticfallacy Sun 26-Jun-16 02:39:33

He clearly doesn't trust you and it's impossible to prove that you haven't done something. Do you really want to spend the rest of your lift trying to rebuff his accusations?

The problem is his. It's very sad when there's a child involved but if he can't get past this then you won't be able to get past it as a couple.

Draw a line and move on.

MsMims Sun 26-Jun-16 02:42:00

Yes, forget him. You don't deserve that crap when you've done nothing wrong.

Often people become suspicious of their partner cheating when they themselves have been playing away.

Newbie100 Sun 26-Jun-16 03:01:56

Thank you for your replies..
I know it's late but just laying here so deflated I'm not even sure why I expected anything more from him. He just so convinced that I almost sit there and question everything about me.
I feel like I've wasted a year hoping that he'd regret it, and now I've made myself feel worse.

I have always thought maybe he's the one that cheated.

Canyouforgiveher Sun 26-Jun-16 03:15:02

I have always thought maybe he's the one that cheated I wonder why? I bet it is because your instinct tells you so and you know it is likely true and he is cruelly using this imaginary infidelity to avoid being the bad guy (he is in fact a very bad guy if this is true)

possibly he has had an alcohol (or maybe other substance?) induced hallucination in which you were unfaithful. Strange though that he wouldn't wake up, deal with the hangover and then have a bit of skepticism about what he thought happened while he was out of his mind drunk. It isn't like he woke up the next morning and didn't realise he was out of his mind drunk the night before - he knew.

Or maybe he knows damn well that you were not unfaithful but he wanted to leave you and when he woke up the next morning and half remembered what he had said, he thought "well this is a good excuse".

I think he knows damn well that you weren't unfaithful. But he is enjoying the fiction he created.

I think you, OP, should mentally dispose of him and next time you feel like texting him text him instead that you would like to see evidence that he has his serious drinking problem and hallucinations under control or else you might be worried about your son. In fact why not text him that now - say "please confirm you have had treatment for these hallucinations and your drinking problem. Can't believe you are still stuck in your drink-induced fantasy. Worried about unsupervised access now".

Then block him. He is not a good guy. He is playing with you.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Sun 26-Jun-16 03:57:33

Everything aside, OP, you do not need a man who, mad drunk or not, would spit in your face. That is disgusting, abusive, and the height of disrespect. If he could do that in front of people, what would he be capable of doing to you in private, if you 'cheated' again (in his tiny mind).

You've managed without him for a year, you will manage for another, and another, and another, and you will only get stronger.

Newbie100 Sun 26-Jun-16 07:47:57

He did say in one of his messages that he goes over and over it in his then ends up dreaming about it and wakes up reliving it??. I mean that message is probably the first time I've thought to myself you have literally dreamt this up,
I agree when he spat in my face it was so disrespectful. It it's like he's chosen to forget that drunken night because of what "I've done" he doesn't see any wrong with it.
Just feel like I'm going crazy, even after a year.
But now I know as he still thinks that little of me, I don't deserve it. Its just so unfair I'm a good person and I feel like he's tainted me sad

Hissy Sun 26-Jun-16 07:55:32

He's tainted you specifically to hurt you, laziest abuae tactic ever.

He spat in your face.

Who gives a flying fuck what he thinks of you.

And yeah, those who accuse others of cheating usually have somethings to hide.

Newbie100 Sun 26-Jun-16 08:19:40

I know everything you have all said is right, but why can't I move on and forget.
It's the biggest torture, I think he knows what this would do to me and secretly enjoys it.
Just so fed up of feeling guilty that my dd no longer has a family unit and all because of his ridiculous accusations. So many things don't make sense..
Sorry rambling on...

kittybiscuits Sun 26-Jun-16 08:22:51

He doesn't want you back. This is his excuse. He wanted out and for that decision to be attributed to you. Please don't degrade yourself by communicating with him every again (beyond what is necessary if you have children together).

mamas12 Sun 26-Jun-16 08:31:59

My ex still believes the same thing after 9 years
I spent the first fifteen years of my marriage trying to 'prove' I didn't with this particular man, I made sure I never spoke about anything to do with him , his family and his work. Then of course if we came across him socially I,had to avoid him. This man knew nothing by the way, and my ex would still work and socialise with him.
Looking back it was another form of control, I ended up policing myself over every man and it was one of the unnecessary things he helped fill my head with with. Making me feel mad with how he thought that because I did it cheat on him
And yes you probably guessed I found out about three years ago that yes he was having an affair for the last five years of our marriage with the same woman.
Please don't try and prove a negative, he will always have something to berate you with, if it's not an affair it will be some other disloyalty that you can't disprove and you will spend your life going slowly mad with his controlling abuseive ways.
Do not take him back you deserve better.

mamas12 Sun 26-Jun-16 08:33:20

I didn't cheat on him

HazelBite Sun 26-Jun-16 08:38:12

OP you don't need his dillusions, he would not change even if you went back to him he would invent/imagine some other sin against him it would never end!
Pack this one away, have your regrets and move on.

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jun-16 08:42:01

Move on. He is still controlling your thoughts. What on earth were you thinking trying to reopen a romance with a man that spat in your face ?

Time to pack this one away as a dead loss and get on with the rest of your life.

Kimononono Sun 26-Jun-16 08:52:25

Morning op,

I've been in a relationship where my ex spat in my face - I actually stayed with him, he blew the argument up so big the spitting in the face incident got hidden. (Sound familiar) my ex hid behind the fact his DGM has died and he was pissed out of his face and he was getting nasty towards me I asked him to stop drinking. It escalated from there. His family afterwards even brushed it under the carpet.

Looking back over fifteen years later I can see that the respect for me had already gone at that point. The relationship wasn't great - infact it was pretty shit but we had some goodish moments and I suppose that mixed in with my low esteem kept me there.

In the end I left as things got a lot worse and I realised I deserved better.

When your ex spat in your face you should realised that this man has no respect for you at all. I bet his behaviour before that wasn't great either. You then reached out to him to say you missed him (the nice him) yet he jumped on this as away to end your relationship. Not repentant in the fact he had just spat in your face at all. He know declares your a cheat. That's pretty fucked up.

You actually have had a very lucky escape. This man does not love you or want to be with you, he would rather punish you for over a year for something he knows you didn't do. That's evil. A guilty you is much more easier to deal with than a strong independant you.

Stop feeling guilty for breaking this unit up - he did that. He did that when he spat in your face. I'm sure that his behaviour before this wasn't great either as you don't jump from lovely guy to spitting in your partners face in seconds.

our self esteem can keep us trapped in situations we can't see untill we are well clear but you must step out of this now. For your sake and your child's. They must not see you in this down beat situation any more. You have to show your child how strong you are. You have to show yourself how strong you are. You need to move forward so you are able to be free and the eventually meet some one that will treat you like a queen. Normal healthy minded men do not spit in your face I can't ever imagine my lovely Dh doing this.

I know it sounds glib but there are lots of good books of self esteem building, get one. I had to do a lot of work on myself after I left as my guard and shit acceptance level has been knocked down and I met a few dickheads after I finally left so had to take the time to build myself up and then I met DH.

With having a DC with him will make it harder to let go but you have to realise that he broke you up with his horrid behaviour not you. You have to see him singularly as DC dad and not your partner. His ability to be a good dad has nothing to do with you. If he lets her down its not because your not together it's just because he is a twat.

Do everything you can to fix you not try and salvage a relationship that he doesn't want and thank fuck as he sounds disgusting. flowers

SomeonesRealName Sun 26-Jun-16 08:56:50

Lord OP he spat in your face. Who cares what he thinks. Thank god he's gone.

Newbie100 Sun 26-Jun-16 10:05:24

Thank you for all of your replies, reading this advice is making me look at things in a total different light.
People around keep suggesting I "have it out with him" demand to know what he thinks he knows. Believe me I tried in the beginning, he refused to tell me what he knows as "no one would believe him anyway" when it all first happened so I cannot go on begging him for information that he holds power over me with.
I know what I've got to do, I just want to be in a better place. Why haven't they invented that crystal ball that shows you everything will be okay down the road hmm

Kimononono Sun 26-Jun-16 10:13:50

He has no information on you! And who ever it is telling you to have it with him is just looking for drama.

What a cruel arsehole to keep this up for all this time. Nasty. It's just a shit excuse why he wanted to leave and then blame you.

It will be better down the road. 100% better. I can gaurentee you that. The weight of this off your shoulders and you being free and happy will be liberating. You still have to look at why you allowed yourself to be treated like this though. Don't start looking for another bloke straight away, Just spend making you feel happy.

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jun-16 10:14:32

No, don't "have it out with him"

It's simply a waste of your headspace and you will never win

He gets something out of keeping you upset and frustrated. You need to take it away from him.

So, the best thing you could do is take the wind out of his sails and say "I no longer care what you think, all discussion of this subject is off the table forthwith" and ensure all communication is by email only and only to do with finances/child contact issues

Hissy Sun 26-Jun-16 10:18:46

My ex was abusive. He used to find reasons to berate me. One was his perception of the number of previous partners I'd had. I met this clown when I was 30! I'd been married too!

But I was a whore. Apparently. He'd lose no opportunity to remind me. I stayed with him for years too.

I'm no whore, but clearly a blithering idiot! 😊

You didn't cheat. You know you didn't cheat. He knows you didn't cheat.

But he's using the cheating bollocks as a weapon to abuae you.

You rising to it gives him power.

Your approach needs to be, 'yeah, whatever, yawn'

And 'I genuinely don't care what you think of me, you spat in my face, you're an animal. I don't associate with animals, go fuck yourself'

He doesn't matter love, he really doesn't. Stop giving him power


AnyFucker Sun 26-Jun-16 10:21:21

Your friends are giving you duff advice. Watch out for the people who love to get vicarious thrills via the drama of others.

Newbie100 Sun 26-Jun-16 10:46:01

so you really think that deep down he knows that it's not true? I don't know why that would matter so much specially after the way he done it any ways.
I agree people wanting see the drama, I have some great friends but sometimes speaking to strangers has made me look at the bigger picture.
Honestly I'm reading all the comments back and so glad I put this out there.
Thank you

AnyFucker Sun 26-Jun-16 10:49:28

He may have convinced himself it's true but he gets something out of it. You on the back foot. You discombobulated and still dancing to his tune a year later.

Put your dancing shoes away. Move on. Tune him out. He is White Noise. Nothing more than an annoying blue bottle. That will be your best revenge.

OutsiderInTheGarden Sun 26-Jun-16 10:53:05

He spat in your face OP. He's a dreadful excuse for a human being, and you & your DD are better off far away from him. I agree with others saying he probably does know you didn't cheat, but he's a bully and therefore a coward so he's never going to back down and admit he got it wrong. But please ask yourself why you care what he thinks; he couldn't have cared about you in the slightest to do what he did. Put your energy into something more positive, and think about what you would be saying to your DD if a partner had treated her this way.

OutsiderInTheGarden Sun 26-Jun-16 10:59:27

And please don't feel guilty that your DD hasn't got that family unit, as you say. You've done her an enormous favour by saying that is not the type of behaviour any woman should accept in a relationship. Think about the example you are setting for her. No doubt you would be devastated if she grew up thinking that this is the way men treat women, and it's something that we should just put up with. Show her how to be a powerful woman by not allowing this monstrous man to control your thoughts and feelings for a single minute longer. She will thank you in the long run.

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