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Do I stay or should I go?(10 Posts)
Really need some advice before I drive myself crazy. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my marriage or whether I'm blowing everything out of proportion.
Quick background - met aged 21, two children by age 27, married at age 28. I'm now in my 40s. Moved away from my family and friends after first child born to move to dh home town. Was never 100% about dh before ds born but decided it was the right thing to do and make the most of our little family.
Once I moved in with dh it all started to change. There were a lot of really good days when we got on really well, laughed and enjoyed each other's company, there still is but over the years there have been times where it's like walking on egg shells, he'd punch doors if he got angry enough and as ds has got older he's become verbally abusive to him a lot and to me and dd at times. When the kids were younger he wouldn't help at night because he worked in London and had long days and I was a sahm. He'll do the garden and the occasional chore around the house but he's never cleaned a bathroom in 20 years.
My confusion comes because we get on really well the majority of the time but when it's bad it seems really bad. He's never hit me or dd but he's threatened ds and I've had to intervene. He calls him names and constantly criticises, but if I challenge his behaviour then I'm undermining him and criticising. He hates the fact that he feels ganged up on but I feel we do this because we've had to. He's controlling in a subtle way. I want a tattoo but it has to be right so it's taken me years to choose, he hates tattoos says they look trampy and that if I get one I will be a bad influence in the kids but when challenged about that by dd he said your mum can do what she wants but she knows my feelings! How to confuse a girl!
When I read the lists of abusive behaviour I don't seem to fit into them but I still feel dh shouting and name calling is abusive some how. Then there is the sex, I really have no interest but he has a high sex drive, if we don't have sex every three days or so he gets really snappy and I feel obliged. He feels unloved if we don't have sex, which I fully understand. However, he's been known to steal the duvet because I didn't want sex.
I am quite cold with him, I want sex to be over with quickly and I very rare,y tell him I love him but I feel that this is because of years of walking on egg shells over whether he'll snap at me or the kids.
It all seems really petty when I write it down but it's a lot of little things over a long period of time. I feel like getting out! I feel like I'm changing and moving away from what I would normally put up with but then I feel bad feeling like this when all is going well.
He threatens your teenage son physically?
You are walking on egg shells
You don't enjoy sex with him
Are you still a SAHM or do you work?
If he disappeared into thin air tomorrow would you miss him or feel relieved or something else ?
I work now and i've thought a lot about how I would feel if he left and it doesn't upset me. What scares me is being the baddie as I'm sure I'd be made to feel guilty for breaking up the family
You and your dc will be a lot happier and more relaxed without him.
How does it not feel like abuse? Because you've put up with it so long it's 'normal'
Your poor children
He's a grumpy, nasty, lazy, sexually abusive arsehole. Do you really want this to be your life forever?
I'm not surprised that you don't welcome sex with him. It's understandable that you don't want intimacy with someone who keep you walking on eggshells, who's physically violent and has verbally abused you and your children.
It doesn't surprise me at all that his behaviour changed towards you once he'd got you away from your support network of family and friends. Classic abuser behaviour.
Angel, do yourself and your children a favour: get far, far away from him. You will not be the "bad guy" by splitting your family up, you will be your children's saviour. If you're walking on eggshells imagine what they are going through day in and day out.
There is actually a book called "Should I stay or should I go?" and I strongly suggest you read it.
You could also read The Abuser Profiles and this article about emotional abuse - I'm sure you'll recognise your husband and his behaviour.
Please get support from Women's Aid, a counsellor, close family or friends. Whatever you decide, you'll need it.
I know what you mean, it doesnt really feel like a bad relationship, it just doesn't feel right.
I walked to my front door open day and realised that feeling was dread. I didn't want to go in in case he was in a bad mood, or the kids had annoyed him. At that moment I kinda decided it was over. I didn't want to waste my life never wanting to go home.
I didnt have anyone I felt I could talk to, so went to a counsellor through work. It really helped me see things straight at detach my emotions from his behaviours, iyswim.
Thank you everyone. It's a very confusing time for me and the children as we are in a 'good' period where we don't have to walk on egg shells but that doesn't stop worrying about when that will end. I'm almost waiting for it to blow up again so I can just say I'm out of this. I don't think I can argue my case while he's being nice because I will just back down.
Thank you headless also, that's exactly how I've been feeling lately. My eyes are wide open I just need to make sure me and the kids have a home and are safe. It also feels like a betrayal like I'm the one who's making this all happen.
Thank you another, I'll have a look for those. I'm glad I came here, thank you all.
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