Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Early signs of abuse or am I over-reacting?

(98 Posts)
Kefalonia1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:17:02

I have been seeing a man for 1 1/2 months. On a recent date some very strange behaviour surfaced and I would like to know what your thoughts are on it:

1) After a very romantic dinner, we were kissing on the street. He began to kiss my neck and when I recoiled slightly (this is OTT for me in public), he placed his hand around my neck and kept it there. I joked that he better remove it before the police pick him up. The street was FULL of people. He laughed and removed it.

2) A short time afterwards, we were standing with our arms wrapped around each other. It was a tender moment. As I pulled away, he made a bizarre move to kick me. His knee only made light, barely there, contact with my backside, but he did it nonetheless. My first reaction was 'that felt humiliating', He joked about 'violence' & made a comparison with what he had done with my neck earlier.

3) Several hours later, post-sex (and sorry, this is a bit graphic), he spanked my backside a few times. Now, I generally enjoy this. Once, he did this, and I asked him to stop as he was hurting me. This time he did it a couple of times then said "I could hit you much harder you know." And I said "Oh really? Is that what you want?" He shook his head and averted his eyes (which told me 'yes' in other words).

Am I over-reacting here? I found this behaviour quite disturbing. A bit Jekyll and Hyde, especially the kick thing. No man I have dated has ever done anything like this. The sex is amazing and he is incredibly handsome and intelligent. BUT I am starting to think I'm being blinded by lust...

PsychedelicSheep Sun 26-Jun-16 00:20:17

I think you're right to be concerned tbh

forumdonkey Sun 26-Jun-16 00:20:32

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it makes you feel uneasy so finish it. For what it's worth I'd be running for the hills.

PsychedelicSheep Sun 26-Jun-16 00:21:14

Do you know anything about his background? Met his friends and family? Any 'crazy' exes?

loobyloo1234 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:22:06

Run

Kefalonia1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:23:09

I don't know. He's foreign (from another country in Europe) and has moved around a lot in recent years. 2 years in one country, 1 year in America, and now in this country. I doubt he has had much time to cultivate relationships.

PovertyPain Sun 26-Jun-16 00:23:20

Catch your self on, OP. Run away from this piece of shit, as fast as you can, otherwise you will definitely end up as his punch bag! He's already started testing your boundaries, so what do you think he's going to be doing to you 6 months down the line.

VocationalGoat Sun 26-Jun-16 00:24:04

He sounds creepy. You sense something's not right. Don't ignore your feelings.

Baconyum Sun 26-Jun-16 00:24:13

Trust your gut ALWAYS trust your gut

Kefalonia1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:24:43

The strange thing is he can also be very tender. Very supportive and sweet. Again, without getting too graphic, I was recently on my period & sometimes intercourse isn't the most pleasurable for me at this time. Depends.

But he was very much 'let me know if i'm hurting you', 'are you okay?' etc throughout. It's confusing.

PsychedelicSheep Sun 26-Jun-16 00:26:41

Hmm. I mean I like a bit of rough sex / mild s & m but it has to be discussed properly and fully consensual.

But he's pushing your boundaries and that's not ok.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 26-Jun-16 00:27:08

You asked him to stop smacking you and he did it again. That's enough in my book.

I once had an enlightening talk with a couple of friends. We'd all dumped 'head holders'. IYSWIM. Sounds like you have one who likes to control. Not good.

juiceluce24 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:29:26

Men who abuse women are often pleasant for 99% of the time, it's the other 1% of the time when the damage is done. You have instincts for a reason, follow them.

Kefalonia1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:31:25

MrsTerryPratchett - Well, I do like a bit of spanking, but not too hard. I know some people like rougher sex, but I wonder if his preference is tied into something a bit...stranger.

At the same time - could I be over-reacting here?

He's a person that likes to be in control of himself. Doesn't like weakness and prides himself on being 'strong'. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he opens up. But mostly he likes to maintain machismo.

Kefalonia1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:32:19

Why do you think he is testing my boundaries? Why want to harm me at all? We have such a great time together most of the time!

PovertyPain Sun 26-Jun-16 00:33:31

So if he's lovely from the 1st of July until the 30th but is abusive on the 31st, that's ok? You do realise that men don't start abusing their partners straight away, OP? They also don't abuse every day if every month. The charm and kindness is what screws with the partner's head and keeps them in the abusive relationship.

Tartyflette Sun 26-Jun-16 00:36:15

Nope, you're not selling him to us, OP.
I think it is time to get out, unless you want to find out exactly how 'strange' his preferences are...

BertieBotts Sun 26-Jun-16 00:39:49

Abusers can be tender, kind, good fathers, nice people, all of those lovely things, it doesn't stop them also being abusers. It's a myth that abusers are terrible people all of the time.

He doesn't respect your boundaries which is an immediate red flag and I'd have the holding up of machismo and not liking weakness as being a red flag too - you are absolutely not over-reacting, you feel like you are because our culture romanticises abusive behaviour, especially at the lower levels.

Even if he'd done nothing wrong you don't owe him a relationship. You've been dating 1.5 months, you can leave because you don't like the colour of his socks.

Trust your gut.

Baconyum Sun 26-Jun-16 00:40:42

It's very early on. If you're already getting 'run' signals from your gut there's a reason. Evolution - them that trusted their gut survived and procreated!

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 26-Jun-16 00:42:05

It's not the smacking. It's the carrying on. Anyone can like anything but consent is an absolute.

zen1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:47:56

No, you are not over-reacting. I would finish this if I were you - and yes, trust your instincts.

Kefalonia1 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:51:07

Maybe I'm making too much of an assumption about him not liking weakness. Reason I say it is because he is from a very wealthy family who puts a lot of emphasis on working hard & earning a lot of money (so not much scope for failing in his life).

He works out constantly (kind of obsessed with honing his body) and occasionally jokes about how 'strong' he is compared to others. During dinner recently, I spooned up the wrong food first (it's a meal that is done in layers) and he snapped 'Well, it's not difficult is it?' and looked annoyed. A bit severe I thought.

MyNewBearTotoro Sun 26-Jun-16 00:53:07

It sounds like maybe he's into stuff that you're not.

I had a brief relationship with a guy who liked to cause pain during intimacy - biting, spanking, pushing around etc. He wasn't violent, aggressive or abusive outside of the bedroom but inside it he liked to dominate, hurt and to be rough. Unfortunately he repeatedly pushed the boundaries even although I'd said I didn't like the pain or being controlled in that way. His excuse for repeatedly trying to hurt me was that he got carried away and it was a turn on for him. He knew I didn't like it but would try it anyway and although he would stop when I said stop five minutes later he'd try again with a bite or grabbing my arms etc. I ended it, mostly because he wasn't going to accept my boundaries but then partly because I felt I couldn't give him the kind of sex he was looking for. I do believe for him it was just a kink in the bedroom and not an indication of what he was like outside of it although I suppose we weren't really together long enough for me to find out for sure.

Marmalade85 Sun 26-Jun-16 00:56:24

Sounds fine to me but if you're uncomfortable then it isn't right.

FreeFromHarm Sun 26-Jun-16 00:56:31

Bye bye.... You need to not Ever see this man again , please x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now