Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New underwear for a night out? would this worry you?(13 Posts)
DP is going to a night out at work and staying the night because he has work tomorrow (they have bedrooms there, some staff live there. it has a bar/club house which is where the party thing is and where the bit people live is attached to the bar)
I dont know whether i should be suspicious that he apparently needed to go and buy new underwear to go out, it seems a bit odd to me.
for background it's likea reuinion party thing for all the staff (people leave quite a lot) and i think a woman who he lied to me about is likely to be there.
ill explain the lying about the woman thing-
when i was about 8 months pregnant, he was ignoring my phone calls al night (we didn't live together) and said he'd been at home,
it was obvious he hadn't, i could jsut tell somehow so (wrong, i know) i checked his phone.
He'd called this woman about 20 times at midnight.
he told me he was calling her because he couldn't find his friend and she was with him.
obvious bullshit because he didn't even try to call his friend once.
apparently it turns out he was calling her because she and some other people were meant to be meeting him at a friends house (where they went after drinking at work, they were all meant to leave and go to this friends house) but they hadn't turned up.
I still don't believe him about any of that. it took a year to get that version of the truth out of him (i KNEW the lost friend was a lie and it just drove me mad knowing he's told me such a shit obvious lie)
anyway this was all 3 years ago and i've put it behind me mostly because i don't know if anything happened, and tbh, we hadn't been together long and i think i'd forgive him anyway if he had. i got fed up of trying to get the truth)
He also told me that he was trying to set this woman up with one of his mates, but then later said she was married, so one of those is obviously a lie too. And another time i went to a work bbq with him whilst heavily pregnant, before the phone lying thing, and he kept leaving me on my own to go to the bar to talk to this woman, seemed annoyed if i came to speak to her too and was talking to her about his ex and her ex, just seemed inappropriate to me
but now i'm worried.
Another thing that is worrying me is that he was INSISTANT that he stay the night at work tonight.
which makes sense because it's easier for him, he has work the next day and starts work at 7am so, that does make sense. but i also have work tomorrow at 7am and DP usually drops DS off at my parents for the day (He works 2 minutes away from my parents, i don't drive and my parents car is broken.) he i had to arrange for my parents to have DS overnight, because he didn't want to come home after this party thing.
would this worry you?
It's definitely weird. Even if a man was planning to cheat though I can't imagine them going to the bother of buying new boxers. unless literally all the pairs they owned were ripped or mishapen or something.
The staying part makes sense though. I doubt he'd be legal to drive before seven am if he's up late.He could get a taxi home and back if it wasn't too far though.
I think that you don't trust him, so the pants are almost irrelevant. Because he told you such a shit lie and for so long it must feel impossible to move on from. I don't know if what's he's doing is something to worry about, but I wouldn't trust him, and because of the lack of trust I would leave him.
All his boxers look shit cause he can't wash stuff so they've gone all grey and just a bit yuck looking.
It does seem weird but I can't think of a reason why really other than cheating and even that seems weird to me.
I could check on his Facebook and look to see if she's going but I really don't want to go that route because I did that kind of shit for a long time (during The Shit Lie episode) and it just made me miserable j til I decided to just try and forget about it.
I'd be amazed at a man buying new boxers before cheating. It just doesn't seem like something someone would do. (Unless this is a thing of his? Did he get new pants when he was trying to get together with you?).
I don't know. The staying over thing in itself is fine- if you trust him/he is trustworthy. If not, then it's not.
I feel for you- it's shit to be so unsure and to have no real proof either way.
Does he have an I phone, there's a little know tracker on it, it's hard to find which lists every place you have visited. I'd be looking at that. Tough shit about his privacy
Well i thought i had forgot about it but clearly i haven't.
He didn't/doesn't get it at all that i was so bothered about his lying.
I'm quite sure he at least tried to cheat on me that night if i'm honest with myself. There's just no reason to need to call a woman you work with 20 times (i'm not exaggerating, it was actually 20+ times) at that time of night. even if his story that she was meant to be coming to the friends house too was true, why did he need her there so much that he needed to call her so many times? We'd had an argument that night too. he was ignoring my calls whilst calling her. pisses me off to think about to be honest) It was her leaving drinks apparently.
He called me mental and just didn't see why i wouldn't let it go but i just knew that his lie was shit and not true and it was driving me mad.
I think, personally, that he wanted to cheat with her but she didn't want to. probably because she had just seen his pregnant girlfriend the week before and seems like someone who has morals.
He thought i had called her because i accidentally did click on the call button from his phone for 1 second when i saw it, and the look on his fa e just said it all. he looked very panicked
He doesn't have an iphone but I know he will be going to work anyway. there's plenty of opportunity to cheat there because there's bedrooms and stuff. Me and DP have had sex there plenty so i know it's something he could do easily if he was going to.
New boxers is something he would do. he's 'funny' like that, a bit...particular? he did actually keep buying new underwear when we were first getting together. Although i agree that it is really odd, but then he is a bit odd. I guess you wouldn't want someone seeing your grey manky looking pants, or at least i know DP wouldn't want someone seeing his grey manky pants.
The thing making me think he probably isn't intending to cheat is that i was invited, sort of. but in a way where he clearly didn't want me to go because he kept pointing out all the reasons why it would be easier for me to not go (work the next day mainly)
Not sure if i should even be with someone if something as stupid as them buying new pants makes me worry this much.
I can't tell if i'm being insane or not. because it sounds insane
I think it sounds reasonable actually. You know he buys new underwear in the beginning of relationships, you know he has the opportunity and you know he's a big lying liar.
The only question really is, what makes him so great that being a big lying liar isn't enough to dump him. Or ... what makes you willing to put up with someone you don't fully trust?
The thing about living with someone you can't trust is it does make you feel like you're going nuts and that you're being a bad person. It's lovely when it stops. Ime.
Join the discussion
Please login first.