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Heartbreaking, not sure what I can do

(15 Posts)
Limegreentimemachine Sat 25-Jun-16 20:51:43

Dd recently started reception.

She failed to get into her local school, where she had gone to nursery, and all her local friends go to.

She is going to a great school and has made lots of friends there. She does still ask why she couldn't go to 'x school ' though.

She is very aware that all her local friends go to this school, as she sees them often walking to school wearing the uniform. Sadly now, she approaches them and is rejected. This seems to stem from one particular child who she was good friends with, but now doesn't like her now they don't go to the same school. As a result my dd has been rejected from the friendship group. As far as I know my dd has not done anything for this child to dislike her.

I've also noticed that we haven't been invited to social events where all the other families have been invited. It seems a bit like nobody wants to make an effort as dd doesn't go to x school (we missed out by meters on distance grounds, and she is on the waiting list but a place is unlikely to come up, even if it did I don't know if we would move her now she has settled at her school).

Is there anything I can do to help my dd with respect to her feeling left out? She is unfortunately aware of the rejection.

Limegreentimemachine Sat 25-Jun-16 20:54:39

I know that children of have brief fall outs due to spurious reasons, but this seems to be a long term dislike that this other child has taken to my dd. This is despite my dd always saying hello to her and trying to play with her whenever she sees her locally.

Limegreentimemachine Sat 25-Jun-16 22:06:57

If this is being ignored because I have posted in the wrong section, please let me know where would be more appropriate!

Alibobbob Sat 25-Jun-16 22:10:23

How do you feel about setting up a play date? Either just with the one child or the other children or all of them?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore Sat 25-Jun-16 22:12:50

Make friends at the new school. I know it feels like a big deal at the moment, but these aren't life long friends she had, they are children she became friends with because they were born in the same academic year and lived in the same area.

Do you remember when we were at school and no one was friends with anyone who wasn't in their own class? This is all it is. No one has done anything wrong.

Limegreentimemachine Sat 25-Jun-16 22:20:56

Ali I am very happy to do a play date, but I have tried to arrange one many times with no success with the child who rejects her.

I should probably try more to arrange a play date again with the other children, which would be more likely to happen .

Need she has loads of friends at her current school, and plays with them most days after school if the weather permits. I don't mention x school, she does: either when we pass the school (it is very local) or when she sees her friends from the school. I do not bring up the school issue. While she is in reception, she is autumn born and rather bright. I believe she feels rejection from her own interpretation of the situation, though I could be wrong about this.

I have struggled with the long journey to her school for various reasons, but I hope she hasn't picked up on that.

Limegreentimemachine Sat 25-Jun-16 22:23:23

morning actually I don't remember that, but then I was in a single form school for most of primary (but even then had friends in different years).

It's not about 'wrong' to me, I'm just wondering what, if anything, I can do. I realise the answer is probably not much.

NanaNina Sat 25-Jun-16 22:25:48

I'm not sure where best to post - but not in Mental Health

HappyJanuary Sun 26-Jun-16 07:15:43

I think that this was to be expected really.

People have busy lives and are far more likely to arrange things with those people whose paths they cross regularly.

Children will clamour for play dates with the children they see all day, every day. Parents will make social arrangements with the people they chat with at the school gate.

Tell your daughter that it is not rejection, it is a normal consequence of changing circumstances. Tell her that change is a good thing. Demonstrate that you are delighted with the situation and love the new school. Focus on building relationships with her new friends.

Limegreentimemachine Sun 26-Jun-16 08:10:33

Is it happy ? That's quite sad.

Her school is a long way away unfortunately, and therefore none of her friends from there are local. She does have loads of friends though, and plays with them regularly.

I was hoping we could still be a part of the local community despite this (and bear in mind I had no choice in this matter!).

I'm not sure dd is old enough to grasp that this rejection she is experience is a 'normal consequence of changing circumstances'. She is only 5.

I'm not even talking about arranging play dates in the main, but the other children not responding to her when she greets them in the street. That is hard.

It seems like there isn't anything I can do about it.

HappyJanuary Sun 26-Jun-16 12:41:22

At 5 whatever your mum says is normal, is normal.

But ignoring her on the street is very odd I agree. Invites falling away are to be expected, but blatant bad manners is harder to understand.

You could try inviting some of her old friends to play, or hosting a little party. Make it known to the parents that your daughter didn't choose the other school and would like to stay in touch with her old friends. If they don't respond to that then I should be glad to be free of the rude lot, accept that it's beyond your control and focus on new friendships.

I think, honestly, that this is something that both you and your dd will have to get used to as friendships tend to rejig at every stage of education, and for other reasons too. Help your dd to build resilience so that she isn't phased when it happens again.

BubblingUp Sun 26-Jun-16 15:48:21

This may just be here in the states, but schools tend to create the atmosphere that "our" school is the only and best school - and it's Us against The Others - type thing. Children simply don't socialize with children from other schools since the other schools are the enemy. Schools are setting this tone and the parents buy into it. I wouldn't take it personal and just focus on the children she does go to school with. The situation won't change. It won't get better.

Limegreentimemachine Sun 26-Jun-16 19:50:32

It's interesting to hear that bubbling

I don't think that is the case over here, but then I can only speak for my dad's school. Her school is very inclusive and diverse, and there is certainly nothing elitist about it.

LesisMiserable Mon 27-Jun-16 05:42:35

This is the first of many times this will happen over her school life. Sometimes with girls friendship groups change on the hour let alone over time! Moving on graciously from people that have demonstrated no time for you is definitely a strong life skill to be honest, so many of us fail at it, for her to get it so early on and have the buffer of so many friends who do care about her and love her is possibly a great blessing in some ways. Help her by reiterating that life is about change for everyone and we can get excited or get upset its our decision and always look forward.

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