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Having his cake and eating it

(68 Posts)
user1466803045 Sat 25-Jun-16 12:03:19


New to this so feel a bit nervous.

My situation.....have been with my partner ( not married ) for 23 years and have 2 children 8 and 4.

He tells me that he's not in love with me anymore and no one else is involved however I know that there is.

I am absolutely heartbroken, he has been my best friend for 23 years, we've shared everything together and I have always been 100% loyal and honest.

He says he cares for me but doesn't fancy me anymore, he says that he wants to remain living here for the children. He comes home from work does bedtime routine then just goes out to the other womens house, doesn't tell me that he is going out he just leaves and comes back very late or on a Friday goes 'out ' straight from work and doesn't come home until 4:00 am . while he is here there are no raised voices or arguments , He does ignore me though and is quite rude but I don't react. In fact for the last 23 years we've never really had a cross word .

He doesn't know that I know about the other woman, he is having his cake and eat it and it's frustrating me.
I'm aware of how i stand with the house , 50% each but I maybe awarded more with having the children with me. They are going to be heartbroken but I suppose I'm trying to get my head around it so I can be strong for them when the time comes to telling them.

Needing advice upon how to tell him that I know about the other women , to stop lying to me and how to get him to move out.
. Think I want him to move out, if he wants to be with her why doesn't he just go and live with her!!

He is an idiot for losing his family!!!

If you have got this far thanks for reading and any advice would be welcome

Thank you

WellErrr Sat 25-Jun-16 12:05:45

What the fuck?

Find your anger, find your self respect, and kick this bastard out.

I actually cannot believe what I have just read. You keep house for him and feed him whilst he swans off to shag some other woman?

Blimey. I know I sound tough but come ON.

Sorry flowers

WellErrr Sat 25-Jun-16 12:06:45

As for how - 'I know you're seeing another woman. You're no longer welcome here. Our relationship is over. Fuck off. Today. Email me about contact.'

Tiggeryoubastard Sat 25-Jun-16 12:10:03

If you're not married you wouldn't get more than 50% of the house equity unless he decides to give you more. When you say you're entitled to 50% I hope you are on the deeds and not just assuming it.

Oddsocksgalore Sat 25-Jun-16 12:16:09

Get him out op, this situation must be driving you insane.

What an utter bastard!

user1466803045 Sat 25-Jun-16 12:19:19

Thank you wellErrr, this is what I need straight talking and a jump start.

I have no support network or any real friends I can confide in.

Tiggeryoubastard- yes I'm on the deeds and mortgage is in both our names. Spoke to a solicitor who said I may get more of a share however as we are not married I cannot change locks and he has every right to be here as I do!!

Sn0tnose Sat 25-Jun-16 12:25:53

So 'he wants' to remain living in the family home for the children? I think he needs it pointed out to him that he may have a 50% say in how you raise your children, but now that he's ended your relationship, he doesn't get a say in who you live with. Aside from anything else, you're going to have some very confused children.

I think that the best thing for you to do before you do anything is to get some legal advice to confirm exactly where you stand and exactly what you're entitled to. Once you've done that, then you can decide what you want and go from there.

RandomMess Sat 25-Jun-16 12:32:50

You can go to court to force sale of the house. I would ask to speak to him and tell him that you are no longer prepared to share the house with him due to the way he is treating you and the fact that there is someone else in his life. Give him the option of sorting out an agreement between yourselves versus you forcing sale of the house.

It doesn't matter if there is an OW, or he is lovely to you, you can force sale of the house so there is no discussion/negotiation he has open. That is you weapon. He can move continue to pay half the mortgage and sell at an agreed future date sort out contact etc. or you just go to court.

If you only got 50% would you be able to buy elsewhere on your own etc?

Sn0tnose Sat 25-Jun-16 12:34:43

Sorry, cross posted!

I'm going to hazard a guess that he's always been the person who makes decisions and that he's just expected you to just go along with it. It doesn't seem to have even occurred to him that you might not want to live with your ex partner anymore. How long is this situation supposed to go on for? Months? Years? Or just until he's decided he's ready to move in with the ow?

What do you want? I think I'd write a list of your expectations re accommodation, contact with children, financial matters and how and when you tell your children. Set it out very clearly what is and isn't acceptable to you. And then tell the fucker!

AnyFucker Sat 25-Jun-16 12:36:34

Good lord, have you no self respect at all ?

You are simply a housekeeper to him while he gets his jollies elsewhere

Did the liberation of women completely pass you by ? confused

WellErrr Sat 25-Jun-16 12:39:12

And in the short term of he refuses to fuck off you absolutely THIS MINUTE need to stop doing anything for him. No cooking, no clothes washing, no life admin.

user1466803045 Sat 25-Jun-16 12:41:56

Thank you sn0tnose.

I have spoken to a solicitor and she has told me what's what.
50% each. I can stay here until children are 18. However he has the right to be her too. Unless he becomes aggressive or his behaviour changes towards me that is uncomfortable and I can get a solicitors letter drawn up asking him to stop this behaviour or action would be taken.

I've been looking at what he would have to pay in maintenance and what benefits I would now be entitled too. Trying to work out my finances.

He told me this about 2 weeks ago and I have been on the floor.

WellErrr Sat 25-Jun-16 12:42:56

Could you afford somewhere with your 50% if you forced a sale?

Pearlman Sat 25-Jun-16 12:44:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pearlman Sat 25-Jun-16 12:46:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1466803045 Sat 25-Jun-16 12:47:07

Yes, wanting to get everything sorted, set up and clear in my mind so I know where I am before I tell him. Rather than tell him and then be into the unknown.

user1466803045 Sat 25-Jun-16 12:49:43

Other woman lives alone but has 2 grown up children who have 'flown the nest'

Also, I don't want to leave this house, I don't want to sell

Thanks all of you. X

AnyFucker Sat 25-Jun-16 12:49:46

I know I sound harsh, love. But you need to take control here.

I hope to Christ you are no longer sleeping with him and doing any format of the Pick Me dance. You may not legally be able to throw him out but I would certainly be making his domestic life very very uncomfortable.

TheHobbitMum Sat 25-Jun-16 12:53:29

I'd just leave a bag of clothes on the door step with a note on top telling him to go shack up with OW! Xx

RandomMess Sat 25-Jun-16 12:54:37

Yep please tell me you have stopped all domestics duties that he benefits from and you have removed all his things from your bedroom.

Both he and the DC need to see it is clear that you are no longer a couple!

ImperialBlether Sat 25-Jun-16 12:59:45

You are letting yourself be taken for a complete fool. Next time he goes out, chuck all his things outside in bin bags and send him a text telling him you know everything and that he should collect his things or they'll be picked up by the bin men. The advantage of telling him when he's out is that hopefully the other woman will persuade him to stay there, in the misguided belief that she's won a prize.

I know you can't change the locks but you can make it very difficult for him - no food for him, no washing, no sleeping in your bed, don't speak to him etc.

FraggleRock77 Sat 25-Jun-16 13:03:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FraggleRock77 Sat 25-Jun-16 13:06:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1466803045 Sat 25-Jun-16 13:23:02

Thanks all of you,

This is so hard when your going through it by yourself . 23 years being devoted to one person , never straying and always being honest it hurts . This is what I get for being a good person!!

Never thought I would feel angry towards him, he has completely shattered me and my family values.

As mentioned I want to feel a bit stronger before I tell the children so I can put my feelings to one side and be there for them answering any questions they may have. Really don't want them to think any of this has been my fault or my decision. I am a good person , I'm not the one who has been lying or been deceitful.
But will not put anything like that in them.
No, not sleeping together or clearing up after him

Thanks again everyone. xx

NapQueen Sat 25-Jun-16 13:29:53

If you can't get him out the door then play him at his own game.

Go out while he is doing the bath and bed routine. Don't tell him what time you plan to return - text "as it's your time with kids I'm off out".

Saturday morning after his 4am return get the kids up and dressed and take them into the bedroom "your turn" and leave.

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